IN THIS ISSUE:

1. Welcome and What’s New?
2. Good news for older singles—Maybe
3. SAQ’s (Questions singles should ask - but they don’t)
4. SAQ #11. How will I know if he/she is really free (not married)?
5. The Cyber Lothario
6. Who is Kathryn Lord?
7. What is Romance Coaching?

WELCOME! AND WHAT'S NEW?

What a difference two weeks make.

We have made the trek back to Florida so that Drew can start the academic year (first day, today). Yes, it is ridiculous to head south in early August, but he loves what he is doing, and we both love both places we live. We have been busy since we got back revisiting our favorite haunts, including the Fermentation Lounge and New Leaf Market (for beer tastings), and every night to Nuberri for the luscious frozen yogurt.

In the last *eMAIL to eMATE*, I wrote in “Marriage Thrives” about the New York State’s legalization of gay marriage and resultant celebrations. My dear Aunt Glenice, who appears to read every word of what I write, emailed that Illinois, where she lives, also has legalized gay marriage and she had attended the nuptials of a neighbor couple! My Auntie, who is north of 80 (I won’t say by how much), is attending gay weddings and telling ME the news about Illinois!!! My, my. Here’s to you, Aunt Glenice!

And in the Style section of yesterday’s New York Times, the featured wedding was between two elderly gay men. Together for 39 years, both are ailing and were hospitalized at the same time, in the same room. Since New York law allows and circumstances were dire, it was time for them to wed. Take a look at the piece and the photo for a look at why legalizing marriage is so important.

So this issue is about good news for older folks, and advice on how to detect married folks posing as single—or seducers pretending that they are not. See 4. SAQ #11. How will I know if he/she is really free (not married)? and 5. The Cyber Lothario, below.

I’ve been promising changes, and they are coming, but slower than I had hoped.  GUARANTEED you will see at least one in the next issue on September 1. Can September really be coming so fast? Yes!

Best, Kathryn

A short piece in a recent New York Times caught my interest, about the increase in older men compared with older women: the numbers of men 65 and older increased by 21% between 2000 and 2010, nearly twice as many as women of the same age (11.2%). Author Stephanie Coontz writes a hopeful companion piece “A More Resilient Male?”, and Susan Jacoby cautions against too much rejoicing in “A Blip vs. the Long Haul.” But older men surviving at twice the rate of women would seem to be good news for both.

The expectations of older women have really changed over the last 60+ years. My grandmother was widowed at 48, and while an attractive and appealing lady, to my knowledge, never dated or even entertained the thought before she died at 81. My mother, her daughter, was widowed at 75 and remarried at age 81. I met my now-husband Drew online when I was 48. While statistics show that I am more likely to be widowed than he is, given the trends and the fact that he is in better shape than I am, who knows? At some point, one of us will be single again. And perhaps on the market.

Only one more question in the “Should have asked” questions The questions I have already answered are available on my blog here: FAQ and SAQ or by clicking the “click here” link at the end of each question below:

1. Is there a “best time” to get online and start looking?  This SAQ is already answered and posted on my bolg.  Click here to read it. 
2. Why shouldn’t I use a free dating site?  Click here.
3. I want my Sweetheart to accept me for who I am. Therefore, I should not do anything special to look better than I do every day, right? I answered this question in the last issue. Click here.
4. What photo should I use?  Click here.
5. Should I get help writing my profile essay?  Click here.
6. Is it okay to distort the truth (lie, withhold information, etc)?  Click here.
7. Why is getting rejected a good thing? Click here.
8. How honest should I be about what I am looking for? Click here.
9. How realistic should I be about what I am looking for?  Click here.
10. How do I figure out what my “market” is? Click here.
11. How will I know if he/she is really free (not married)? See the article in #4 below.
12. Why should I hire a romance coach?

Well, you won’t, at least at the first contact and/or early on in your Sweetheart negotiations.  But don’t accept at face value what your correspondent says about marital status, or about anything else, for that matter. Keep your lie detector antennae switched on, at least until you have done some fact checking. Remember, just about anyone you meet online is a stranger, and the Internet makes it very easy for one to invent or reinvent themselves over and over.

On the other hand, I hear less and less about married folks posing as single and cruising the main line dating sites. It used to be more of a problem (“used to be” in the dark ages of Internet dating 10 or more years ago). But the creation of sites specifically for married folks wanting to fool around (AshleyMadision.com is the best known – where there is a need, a service will spring up) has given those folks wanting to cheat a place to go. That leaves the cads for whom fooling an unsuspecting single is part of the fun – and they tend to be a lot more clever at hiding their marital status.  I’ve written a lot about a kind of character I call “The Cyber Lothario,” and I’ve reprinted my article in #5 below about these fellas.  One of my clients got taken in by just such a character, though not while she was working with me. Actually, that’s a very good reason to hire me: I have a fabulous BS detector.

But, just in case, here are some guidelines:

1.  If you KNOW they are married, don’t do it. Sometimes they tell you (they are separated, getting a divorce, living in the same house but in different bedrooms, staying together until the kids get out of the house), but most often they don’t. Though you suspect it.

2.  Pay attention to your instincts. If something doesn’t feel right, check it out. Ask questions, and pay attention to HOW they answer as well as what they say. Are they outraged that you would ask? Most people who are honestly looking for love online understand the importance of checking for honesty and will understand and answer questions. Do they evade or give mushy answers? It takes two for deception, one to lie, the other one to be willing to be fooled.

3.  Watch for the obvious: Wedding ring? Tan line or indentation where a ring should be? Refusing to give out a home address or phone number? Insists on calling you and does not allow you to call him/her? Only available at odd times, never on weekends or holidays?

4.  Keep things public. Follow the guidelines that have developed for Internet daters, all of whom are meeting strangers just like you are. Meet in a public place. If your “date” resists being seen by others or avoids introducing you to friends, family, or his/her workplace, then he or she is hiding you, and likely hiding something FROM you.

5.  Ground the budding relationship in reality. Ask about details, like workplace, home address, family and friends. Ask to meet important others. Call the individual at his/her stated workplace. Be sure to see where he/she lives. Isolation from the real world is romantic, but also breeds fantasy and vulnerability.

6.  Use the Internet. Do a Google search on his or her name. Just about everyone can now be found one way or another online. Whitepages.com is a good place to start. PeopleFinders.com found me for free, listed five previous places I had live (all correct except for one), and listed my husband as a relative.

7.  Involve someone else. Your eyes may be clouded by fantasy and lust. Check out details with a suspicious and caring friend – or a romance coach like me, experienced in detecting BS. After all, how much is your heart, your safety, and your future worth?

Are you writing to someone who is romancing you off your feet? Does this guy seem to know just what to say or write that gets you a step or two further down the garden path?

Perhaps more dangerous than the notorious Internet rapists and murderers are the Cyber Lotharios. Maybe you know one. Smooth as silk. Seduction is his native language.

More dangerous, because these guys (well, maybe there are girls too, but I am more familiar with the guys) are GOOD.

These guys are the Internet equivalent of a Bill Clinton, if Bill Clinton hadn’t gotten caught. They are the cyber version of handsome—they write beautifully, know just what you want to hear and tell you. They POUR it on, and for a thirsty woman, it is nectar from the Gods.

These fellows post on dating sites indefinitely, waiting for the unsuspecting newbie to the dating site. You might contact him, he might contact you, but like a used car salesman, he knows a pigeon when he sees one.

Then slowly, softly, but determinedly, he has his way with you.

How do you tell if you have one of these guys on the wire? What if he is a really nice guy, really meaning every word he says?

Well, one thing would be if you find yourself agreeing to things that you never would if you were in your right mind. Particularly if that has to do with sex. Or maybe money.

These guys make manipulation feel like a warm bath. You just slide right in and it feels delicious.

But there is a certain vagueness, particularly about past relationships, and perhaps about future plans. They may also be vague about grounding their identity in reality: Perhaps you can only reach them on their cell phone. They avoid introducing you to real family and friends. Their relationship with you is kept away from their real life, in motels, your home territory and not theirs. These guys may reassure, they always have a good story, but they also will leave themselves a way out.

How can you tell?

Well, one thing you can do is ask for a relationship history. Then pay attention to how he responds, as well as what he actually says.

Does he groan and moan about doing the job? Is he grudging in what he tells you? Or is he open and serious, understanding what you are asking and why?

Does he seem to have trouble remembering his own history, what her name was, what order the different relationships came in? Is he reluctant to divulge, or does he sound like he is fudging?

Does he seem to be moving you fast towards a romantic getaway? Maybe he makes plans for the two of you to meet, and reserves only one room. Is he heavily sexually suggestive and titillating? Does he ask questions like “What kind of lingerie are you wearing?”

Even though a new and legitimate relationship can be highly sexually charged, a guy who is seriously interested in you and a possible future with you will be protective and understanding of you and your feelings.

Look for information that ties him to a real place and a real life. Where does he work? Call him at his workplace. Ask to meet his family and friends.

If you feel antsy, pay attention. If your hormones may be doing your thinking, put on the brakes and engage your critical brain. Better to let this dangerous Clark Gable type swim away than to be left flat and busted.

6. WHO IS KATHRYN LORD?

Kathryn Lord (that’s me) is a Romance Coach and psychotherapist with over 30 years experience in helping singles find love and happiness. If you want to know more about my qualifications, you can find lots about me on my website https://Find-a-Sweetheart.com.

I know that you can find the love you are looking for because I did it myself when I was 48.  It was 1998 and online dating sites were brand new.  I was terrified, but I persevered, figured out the system on my own, and met my now husband Drew.  We are a match for sure.

7. WHAT IS ROMANCE COACHING?

When Drew and I met, we were pioneers.  Internet matchmaking was brand new, it was scary, and we had no help.  We were lucky.  We were able to make it work.

My goal is to make the whole business easier for singles just like you.  I have spent the last nine years learning everything I could so that I could pass onto you just what you need, right when you need it.

Pass or forward this newsletter to friends or colleagues. You may be giving them the gift of romance!

Copyright 2011 Kathryn B. Lord. All rights reserved.

The above material is copyrighted, but you may retransmit or distribute it to whomever you wish as long as not a single word is changed, added, or deleted, including contact information. You may not copy it to a web site without my permission.

Reprint information will be freely granted upon request to student newspapers, universities, and other nonprofit educational organizations. Advance written permission must be obtained for any reprinting of this material in modified or altered form.