Kathryn's Blog

SAQ #8 How honest should I be about what I am looking for?

Of course, you should always be honest. In every form that I get this question (Is it okay to lie about my age? I can’t imagine telling him/her about xyz. I’m really just interested in an affair, but women don’t respond unless I say I am interested in a long term relationship.), I always recommend telling the truth.

For one thing, it is easier. There is not so much to remember if you are telling the truth. And truth builds trust, no matter how uncomfortable the truth is. In relationships, trust is of utmost importance.

People don’t like being tricked. Lying or evading the truth is always self-serving. It’s about preserving your own pride, or getting something you want when you don’t deserve it. It’s about manipulating another person for your own gratification.

Rep. Anthony Weiner is the latest example of how telling the truth works much better than evading. His Twitter transgressions would have drawn far less fire if he had just told the truth, rather than squirming in the limelight. Folks are angrier and more dismayed by the lies than his actual transgressions.

Now, it is true that lying could get you more and “better” responses. Putting up a super model’s picture (also a form of lying) would, too. But the question is: how long would you be able to keep up the pretense? A first meeting or a Skype call would prove you out a liar with the super model’s picture. If it is a secret that isn’t apparent at first meeting, like if you are married and pretending to be single, it’s probably just a matter of time before you are found out. Being seen as a liar as well as what you are trying to hide is pretty bad. The “better responses” will head for the hills, if they truly are better.

Telling the truth will probably win you points. Let’s say you are HIV positive. Stating that up front, with the willingness to take appropriate precautions, shows maturity and strength. Chapter 13 in my book “Find a Sweetheart Soon!” takes the reader step by step through a process for truth telling.

If you ARE looking for something you feel you have to lie about (like wanting an extra-marital affair), there are even sites where you can be completely honest about that, like AshleyMadison.com. Of course, you’ll be lying to your spouse (unless you have a so-called “open relationship”). There are also sites for people with sexually transmitted diseases, disabilities, out-of-the-mainstream sexual practices, and many more.  Why not search those out and tell the truth?

Now, it occurs to me that this question “How honest should I be about what I am looking for?” could also be “How realistic should I be about what I am looking for?” which is another great – and entirely different – question.  I’ll add that to my SAQ list and answer it next time.



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