Kathryn's Blog

Custom made mates

Custom Made Mates

Are you able to buy your clothes off the rack and they fit perfectly?  Or do you have as hard a time as I do finding things that fit?  I have NEVER been able to get a good fitting pair of jeans.  What I learned to do is to buy them too big in the butt and then get out my sewing machine and take in the hips.

Even then, they are not perfect.  Frankly, I’d about given up.

Imagine my surprise when I found a website where I could get jeans custom made, and priced so that I didn’t have to take out a loan.  Not only could I get my odd dimensions covered in denim, I could pick the particulars, like the color of the denim and the number of pockets.  Even better, when the new jeans came in the mail, I found out if they did not fit perfectly, I could get a new, adjusted pair made at no extra cost!

Come on!  I’ve got to be kidding, right?

No, I’m not.  And I’ll never be jeanless again.  I’ve got that site bookmarked.

The Internet is fantastic for finding things like custom made jeans, recipes for Mint Juleps, and now romance.  But you know, there’s something about the ability to find what you want online that I think sets singles up to be disappointed.  Maybe you have been disappointed, too.  Here’s how that happens:

Like with my custom-made jeans, dating sites encourage us to get very specific about what we are looking for, all the factors we think will make a good fit for us as a partner.  We can put in the measurements, the religion and race, the location, even down to eye color, of our fantasy date.  And then with just a click on “Seach,” magically, we see all those who the perfectly fit our parameters.  Maybe.

Many of us have very specific ideas about what we are looking for mate-wise.  After all, we have been thinking about Mr. or Ms. Right for a very long time.  But here’s the bad news: It’s a fantasy!  And our ability to find what we want on the Net (like those custom-made jeans) coupled with the way dating sites work encourage us to think that we will be able to order up exactly the kind of man or woman we want in our heads.  And he or she will be perfect, just like our fantasy, right?

Of course, we also have our romantic mythologies, too, that encourage us to believe in Prince or Princess Charming.  Do you have a story in your head about how love should go that you compare all your dates to?  One guy I coached said “I think if she were the right one I’d be thinking about her all the time and always want to jump her bones.”  All the time?  What about work, or when you are in the middle of a good book?

Behind the photos, behind the essays, are real people, with flaws and warts, just like you’ve got.  If you get too hung up on your perfect fantasy, coupled with the illusion that the Internet and dating sites feed – that your fantasy really exists and that somehow you deserve it – you will be disappointed over and over.  It’s a great way to stay single.

Get real and get reasonable about what you are looking for – and what you reasonably will be able to attract – in a partner.  Start with a “Must Have, Can’t Stand” list, winnowed down to 10 each (you won’t believe how hard that exercise is!), and then stick to it.  Think about the Rolling Stones’song: “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you get what you need.”

P. S.  Haven’t done a “Must Have, Can’t Stand” list?  Send me an email and get the exercise by return email: .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)


Kathy and Nathan get married

Lots of my clients I know go on to find what they are looking for, love wise, but not too often do I get the detailed descriptions that I have gotten from Kathy and Nathan.  Here’s Kathy’s note that she sent after they got married in September 2008:

Kathy and Nathan’s Story

Hello Kathryn,
We are back - married and just silly happy together!
Our wedding went perfect on Spruce Head Maine on Sept. 20. Gorgeous sunny mild weather - we could have the ceremony outside near the shoreline. Everyone was impressed with my peacock feathers - a coworker raises peacocks so had a hundred or more everywhere. We had a family blending sand ceremony, my matron of honor did a solo “The Second Time Around”. We had an apache love poem, wrote our own vows, - non-traditional of course.
My wedding march music was Rod Stewart’s “Have I Told You Lately That I Love You?” and my exit song was Dusty Springfield’s “I Only Want to Be With You”.
The night before, we had a lobster bake on the shoreline I had three!! From boat to lobster pot steamer in less than 30 minutes. The best ever.
I did a tremendous amount of planning and the reception dining room just sparkled! Bought windchimes @ $.50 each as party favors with my peacock feathers in napkin for all to take home.
The whoppie pie wedding “cake” was a huge hit with my colors of gold, copper, chocolate brown.
When I had a good date through Yahoo Personals, I would write about it in my dating journal. My great time with Nathan was well described. At the reception, I read my thoughts and my guests were beside themselves with laughter and appreciated my sharing of our moment in time.
We left for a week honeymoon in Cancun at Secrets Maroma Beach and experienced impeccable service along with our couples massage on the beach one afternoon. Did Tulum ruins, ATV jungle tour with zip lines and lots of snorkling - first time for us. Plan to go back.
With all the frenzy of the wedding ended now we step into selling our homes and finding a house for us together. The adventure continues . . .
We are a perfect match and discover that more and more each day, thanks to you!
Will keep in touch
Kathy and Nathan Weston


Do you need help to get moving?

Get a date in 2009! was the lead article in my December 15, 2008, *eMAIL to eMATE*.  Yes, the holidays are over for now, except for the one that singles really dread: Valentine’s Day.  But the December holidays roll around once a year, and it is good to be prepared.  Really, though, what this article is about is how to get yourself moving to find love, no matter what time of the year.  If you are stuck, maybe this will help:

Get a date in 2009!

In case you haven’t noticed, we are right in the middle of the winter holidays.  For many singles, the holiday season is a sad time.  Without a Sweetheart, singles can feel like they are outside in the cold, peering longingly through the window at the happy families around the fire.

Of course we all know that not all families are happy, but many of us sure do wish we could have a chance to try making a family, happy or not.

If you tend to look towards the holidays with dread, you can do something about it.  And actually, you can use your sadness to work for you, to spur you on to do something about your situation that you let slide the rest of the year.

While others are working themselves into a frazzle with holiday preparations, too much food, and excess in general, how about taking a little time each day to build a “love trip planner” that will make it more and more likely that you will meet the Sweetheart of your dreams?

This time of year is a great time to start moving towards your goal.  Likely you will have some time off, and you could opt out of those miserable parties rather than to go alone.

But then again, what is your goal?  That’s your next step: define what you want, as clearly as you can.  Write it in big bold letters on bright colored paper and post it all over your house.

Then, get yourself moving by focusing on your discomfort: magnify your sense of aloneness until you feel so uncomfortable that you can’t NOT get moving and change things.  Do you really want to go through another holiday season alone and hopeless, and then to see yet another ghastly stretch of gloom next winter?  Don’t you just hate that the other side of your bed is empty and cold?

After you have made yourself sufficiently uncomfortable with the present and defined clearly where you want to go, the route to get there becomes more obvious.  That doesn’t necessarily mean smooth sailing—it’s all too easy to get thrown off your route.
But you do have a sense of where you are headed and you are readier to get started.

Continue to strengthen these two extremes—how uncomfortable, even miserable, you are in the present, and how much you would like to have what you currently do not.  The increasing tension will make it harder and harder to resist getting started.

P. S. If you are really serious—and why wouldn’t you be? – my book “Find a Sweetheart Soon! Your Love Trip Planner for Women” will take you step by step through a process to clear away any stumbling locks that might be in your path to love.  Check it out at: http://yourlovetripplanner.com


If Forbes says it, it must be true…

The period between New Year’s and Valentine’s Day is always the BEST for online dating.  The economic slump has interestingly magnified that good news.  People look for relationships and love in times of stress, and we are stressed. 

Depressed Dow Drives Americans into Arms of Online Dating

A handful of online dating sites are reporting activity spikes following September’s global financial crisis.

“On days when the US Dow Jones industrial went down […] by more than 100 points, more people were likely to log in and spend more time on the site,”
stated Senior Research Scientist Gian Gonzaga in an interview with Reuters.

“People seek out companionship in times of stress. Studies repeatedly show that being in a relationship can help a person’s psychological and physical health.”

CEO Thomas Enraght-Moony of Match.com corroborates Gonzaga’s view. “During these trying times, people are looking for hope in their inbox,” he said.

November brought Match.com its largest membership increase in the last seven years.

But even lesser-known dating sites, like Perfectmatch.com, are seeing bounty. The latter reported a 47% hike in membership in the three months to November compared to the previous quarter.

An Opinion Research Corp. poll, sponsored by eHarmony, found 57% of Americans worry more about their love lives amidst the credit crunch. Married men were most affected, with 63% stressed over love.

And 75% of poll-takers between 25 and 34 worried whether the economy would negatively impact their love lives. Younger, single respondents were more likely to pursue a relationship as a result of these concerns.

Older respondents, which were more likely to be married, still worried financial issues would harm their existing relationships. “There are often more fights over bills and household budgets” among couples in climates like this one, Gonzaga pointed out.

The Opinion/eHarmony poll comprised 1,092 users. Meanwhile, a survey by Avalanche LLC — which operates date.com, matchmaker.com and amor.com — found 84% of people are spending more time online or over the phone before meeting face-to-face.

With all that in mind, it bodes well for the online dating industry that the Dow is down 35% this year.

Online dating services became aggressive advertisers in ‘07, with eHarmony spending the most: $110.1 million in total as of February last year. Match.com followed, spending $66.4 million in total.

Their efforts weren’t wasted. Prior to 2008, Mediamark Research found US adults were increasingly receptive to online dating, which was previously stigmatized as an arena for the desperate and unloveable. Men were slightly more likely to log onto an online dating site (52.2% versus 47.8%), and people between 18-34 consisted of over half of the online dating population. Single parents were significantly more likely than average to pursue a ‘net-based romance.

The face of online dating in general has evolved since then. Online speed dating debuted late last year. And last month, online dating conglomerate eHarmony lost a three-year-old suit for refusing to match gays, lesbians and bisexuals. The company will launch a gay dating site, “Compatible Partners,” in early 2009.


Are Aussie women onto something?

For all the guys who worry that women only want white collar professionals, maybe they should try cruising Australian ladies:

Love those tools ....

“Tradies” have it in spades - new poll shows Aussie women want their men back

Single women have declared the trend for dating metrosexuals is well and truly a thing of the past. The down to earth, cheeky Aussie bloke is want woman really want, according to a survey which found that single women are much more interested in dating tradesmen than men in suits.

The survey of over 700 female members of RSVP.com.au, Australia’s largest online dating site, saw 93 per cent of respondents saying they would like to date a “tradie”. Almost half the women surveyed (49 per cent) believe tradesmen are “more relaxed and fun than men in stuffy suits”.

RSVP’s Customer Support Director, Lija Jarvis said that this was a clear indication that the time of the ‘metrosexual’ was over. “Australian women are wanting real men – guys with a sense of humour, an outdoorsy attitude and a man who is prouder of his tools, not his tie collection. Women are over sharing their hair products, moisturisers and mirror time. Clearly, it’s more sexy to know how to fix a tap or change a tyre.”

According to single women, the appeal of a tradie lies predominately in sex appeal, “sexy and strong” was the most popular reason (28 per cent), followed by “not afraid to get their hands dirty” (20 per cent) as well as “handy around the house and garden” (15 per cent).

When asked which of the trades they thought was the sexist, builders came out on top (47 per cent) followed by chippies (21 per cent).


Frustrated with Internet dating?  Maybe it’s you…

From my January 1, 2009, *eMAIL to eMATE*  You are not a subcriber?  Here’s how:  https://find-a-sweetheart.com/pages/signup_for_newsletter/

Whether or not you have been using an Internet dating site to find love, a better question than “Why try Internet dating?” is “Why not?”

Yes, online daters experience myriad frustrations.  Here are a few that I hear regularly from my clients:

It takes so much time.

I hate all that emailing.

I feel so exposed.

What if my friends/relatives/clients see me on a dating site?

Love should happen naturally, without this kind of effort.

The only people who contact me are jerks/fat/crazy/boring/out for my money/interested only in sex/not interested in sex/ugly/loaded with baggage/scary/liars.

I can’t write about myself.

I don’t have any good pictures.

Any of these sound familiar?  Of course, there is some truth in each statement; otherwise, the complaints would not sound so believable.  But none of these excuses are good enough reasons not to use the best tool that has come around to help older singles find love – singles over 30, I mean.

The Internet and dating sites are merely tools, good, sophisticated tools, but just tools, nonetheless.  You the user have to learn to manipulate the tools to do what you want.  If you are not using the tool properly, or haven’t learned how, it’s no surprise that you don’t get the results that you want.

Think of Internet dating sites like specialized telephone directories.  Just as everyone with a land-line telephone gets a listing in the local telephone directory, any single with access to a computer and the Internet can sign up to be listed on an Internet dating site. 

We all know how marvelously useful telephone books are.  I’ll bet it would be hard to find a household without one.  If you have a business, you’d be crazy not to have a phone book listing, because that’s where people go to find a plumber or beauty salon or the closest pizza parlor.

Similarly, Internet dating sites are very, very useful.  The biggest advantage is that everyone listed is looking for love.  Keep in mind how hard it is to tell if someone is looking if you bump into them in the grocery store.  On a dating site, you know.  And so does everybody else. 

But also, think about how much more information you get about an individual who had listed on a dating site, much, much more information than you would get in a Yellow Pages ad.  We never think twice about using the Yellow Pages to find a plumber, let’s say.  We may ask a friend for recommendations, but we don’t blame the telephone or the directory if the plumber turns out to be a jerk.  Nor do we never hire a plumber again.  We use our judgment.  We simply don’t use that plumber, and we go back to the phone book for another one. 

We don’t throw out the phone book or the phone simply because we dialed a wrong number either.

The phone book is full of people who lie, cheat, and you wouldn’t want to marry.  But the phone book also contains nice people, great folks, even, and we all know that.  We know how to use the phone book as a tool to contact those folks, and we never even notice the listings we wouldn’t be interested in.  We skip right over what we don’t want.

Don’t throw out the Internet equivalent of a phone book for singles, simply because you haven’t figured out how to use it to your advantage.  Yes, Internet dating sites are much more sophisticated than a telephone directory, and therefore harder to learn how to use effectively, but the principal is the same.  Dating sites list hundreds of thousands of singles, 99.9% of whom you will not be interested in.  Same with phone books:  99.9% of the listings in the phone book you will never call and never want to.  But that .01% you would be VERY interested in, and the phone book/ dating site allows you to find them. 

The anger, disgust, disappointment that you may feel about looking for love online is not the fault of the dating site, that is, if you have picked a good, reputable one.  Your frustration most probably is that you have not learned how to use the Internet and dating sites to get what you want.  Or perhaps, what you want doesn’t exist, so you need to readjust what you are looking for.  But the point is, the solution lies in you – and part of that solution may be getting help to learn what you don’t know about making online dating work for you.  This is where hiring a coach can really pay off handsomely – just try me.


The best time ever to look for love online!  Right now!

If you need more reasons to get going and get online to find love, here’s more good news:  First off, online dating sites report huge surges in membership and traffic right after New Year’s, so now is the time to get your profile shaped up and ready for action. 

Even better, the economic stresses are also pushing people to find love.  Match.com reported the best November in seven years, and other dating sites are similarly reporting surges in traffic. 

It’s probably no mystery about why activity is the best it has been in seven years:  seven years ago was right after 9/11.  That tragedy marked the beginning of online dating coming out of the closet and into the mainstream.  In unsettled times, people yearn for family and connection.  This is another one of those times.

Pick your dating site and get going.  Or if you are already on a dating site, get active.  Lots of new folks mean lots of new potential.  Take advantage of it!



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