Kathryn's Blog: Where are the Good Men and Women?

Target rich environments for women and men: Meetup

I’ve talked about Meetup.com before, but have you checked it out yet? Tallahassee, a medium-small city, has 67 Meetup groups listed, with four that bear looking into, specifically listed for singles. See here:

Tallahassee Chapter - American Singles Golf Association-ASGA (16 members), member of American Singles Golf Association
Tallahassee Singles Mingle Meetup Group (182 members)
Mature Singles (3 members, bad name)
LGBT Singles (36 members)

There are also groups for movie lovers, belly dancers (hey, guys, would that be target rich or what?), bee keepers (85 members, and I’ll be most are guys), nerds and geeks (58 members, guys again), backyard poultry (86 members - guys or ladies? What do you think?), sushi and beyond dinner group, tango (guys, women LOVE tango!), a group that gets together to fix up cars (guess what gender?), and knitters (did you know that Rosie Greer the football player knits?)


Target rich environments for women looking for men: Beer tastings

Interest in beers, and I am not talking about Bud vs. Bud Light, has grown tremendously and shows no sign of slowing down.  We are also not just talking about imported beers.  Micro breweries have popped up all over the country, and people – men, mostly – love to sample the goods.

If you want to be around a lot of men, search out beer tastings.  75% of the people attending will be guys, guaranteed.  Beer tastings are not about how much you can guzzle down in one sitting.  Tastings are done in little tiny cups (several, to be sure, but tiny cups).  If you don’t like the choice, you can pour it out.  No pressure to drink the whole thing.  But the atmosphere is likely to be warm and chummy, and friendlier as the consumption mounts

If you don’t know anything about beer, that’s okay.  Beer tastings are how you learn, and you will find plenty of folks (men, mostly) glad to educate you.  At the very least, you will learn something that will give you material to talk about on dates. 

Our local food coop store holds free beer tastings every Saturday.  Usually there are at least a dozen men standing around sipping, many familiar faces that show up week after week.  Last week there were two absolutely GORGEOUS young men, tall, dark, and handsome.  Yum. 

Husband Drew is a faithful attendee, and we have even made friends with folks who show up.  Why don’t you give it a try?


FAQ #9 There are no good men/women where I live.  Why should I even try?

My goodness, that sounds hard to believe, especially given that the U. S. Census says that 43% of Americans over 18 are single.  Let’s look at why you might be thinking that:

Do you live in a remote, sparsely populated area?  Sometimes, facts are facts.  The fewer the people and the greater the distance, the less likely it is that there will be singles at all, let alone ones you would like who would also like you.

Are you so firmly rooted in where you live that you will not consider moving, maybe even from your own home?  I’ve worked with a number of people who, for various reasons, including family obligations, career, financial limitations, rigidity, or just plain taste, will only look in a tightly circumscribed geographical area.

Are you so specific – and narrow – about who and what you are looking for that no eligible singles are left? If you have decided, right down to hair and eye color (which dating sites allow and encourage you to do), what you are looking for, you may have eliminated every single possibility.

Have you overestimated your value on the mate market?  It’s a natural human tendency to overestimate our own worth.  The statement “There are no good men/women where I live” implies that you think you are better than what you actually may be. Rather unattractive, don’t you think?

If indeed, you live in a remote area – and perhaps can’t or will not move, you have a big problem.  Your only hope is to search wide and hope that you will meet someone who will come to you.  If you live in a beautiful area, perhaps you can entice a Sweetie to move there.  Try a site like FarmersOnly.com Then open the search criteria you are using as far as possible.  For instance, if your ideal is between 32 and 36, widen the age range to 28 to 45.  You’ll catch more folks in your net.

Consider moving to (or at least searching in) a more “target rich” area.  If you were a moose hunter, you wouldn’t go to New York’s Central Park to bag game.  Conversely, if you live in the willywags and are looking for love, Central Park would provide a much better hunting ground.

Widen, widen, widen your eyes and your search criteria.  Minimize the number of factors you use in your dating searches (perhaps to gender, age, and a wide geographical circle – like 100 miles from your zip code), and see who falls into the search.  If it is hundreds, then good!  You have plenty to pick from.  You can even narrow the criteria a bit to cut down on the numbers – perhaps you eliminate all smokers (only about 25% of Americans now smoke).  Then start contacting your results.  Those who respond to you are your market.  If no one responds, you have probably overestimated your worth.  Widen your criteria again, sending out those first emails, until you have a nice pool of interested candidates.

In truth, there are lots and lots of wonderful men and women – just like you – who are ready for love and looking.  Your job is to figure out where they are and then be able to recognize them when you find them.  Do not be fooled by a pretty picture or the “not perfect” profile.  Look for character and readiness, and most of all, how they respond to you.


If Forbes says it, it must be true…

The period between New Year’s and Valentine’s Day is always the BEST for online dating.  The economic slump has interestingly magnified that good news.  People look for relationships and love in times of stress, and we are stressed. 

Depressed Dow Drives Americans into Arms of Online Dating

A handful of online dating sites are reporting activity spikes following September’s global financial crisis.

“On days when the US Dow Jones industrial went down […] by more than 100 points, more people were likely to log in and spend more time on the site,”
stated Senior Research Scientist Gian Gonzaga in an interview with Reuters.

“People seek out companionship in times of stress. Studies repeatedly show that being in a relationship can help a person’s psychological and physical health.”

CEO Thomas Enraght-Moony of Match.com corroborates Gonzaga’s view. “During these trying times, people are looking for hope in their inbox,” he said.

November brought Match.com its largest membership increase in the last seven years.

But even lesser-known dating sites, like Perfectmatch.com, are seeing bounty. The latter reported a 47% hike in membership in the three months to November compared to the previous quarter.

An Opinion Research Corp. poll, sponsored by eHarmony, found 57% of Americans worry more about their love lives amidst the credit crunch. Married men were most affected, with 63% stressed over love.

And 75% of poll-takers between 25 and 34 worried whether the economy would negatively impact their love lives. Younger, single respondents were more likely to pursue a relationship as a result of these concerns.

Older respondents, which were more likely to be married, still worried financial issues would harm their existing relationships. “There are often more fights over bills and household budgets” among couples in climates like this one, Gonzaga pointed out.

The Opinion/eHarmony poll comprised 1,092 users. Meanwhile, a survey by Avalanche LLC — which operates date.com, matchmaker.com and amor.com — found 84% of people are spending more time online or over the phone before meeting face-to-face.

With all that in mind, it bodes well for the online dating industry that the Dow is down 35% this year.

Online dating services became aggressive advertisers in ‘07, with eHarmony spending the most: $110.1 million in total as of February last year. Match.com followed, spending $66.4 million in total.

Their efforts weren’t wasted. Prior to 2008, Mediamark Research found US adults were increasingly receptive to online dating, which was previously stigmatized as an arena for the desperate and unloveable. Men were slightly more likely to log onto an online dating site (52.2% versus 47.8%), and people between 18-34 consisted of over half of the online dating population. Single parents were significantly more likely than average to pursue a ‘net-based romance.

The face of online dating in general has evolved since then. Online speed dating debuted late last year. And last month, online dating conglomerate eHarmony lost a three-year-old suit for refusing to match gays, lesbians and bisexuals. The company will launch a gay dating site, “Compatible Partners,” in early 2009.


Are Aussie women onto something?

For all the guys who worry that women only want white collar professionals, maybe they should try cruising Australian ladies:

Love those tools ....

“Tradies” have it in spades - new poll shows Aussie women want their men back

Single women have declared the trend for dating metrosexuals is well and truly a thing of the past. The down to earth, cheeky Aussie bloke is want woman really want, according to a survey which found that single women are much more interested in dating tradesmen than men in suits.

The survey of over 700 female members of RSVP.com.au, Australia’s largest online dating site, saw 93 per cent of respondents saying they would like to date a “tradie”. Almost half the women surveyed (49 per cent) believe tradesmen are “more relaxed and fun than men in stuffy suits”.

RSVP’s Customer Support Director, Lija Jarvis said that this was a clear indication that the time of the ‘metrosexual’ was over. “Australian women are wanting real men – guys with a sense of humour, an outdoorsy attitude and a man who is prouder of his tools, not his tie collection. Women are over sharing their hair products, moisturisers and mirror time. Clearly, it’s more sexy to know how to fix a tap or change a tyre.”

According to single women, the appeal of a tradie lies predominately in sex appeal, “sexy and strong” was the most popular reason (28 per cent), followed by “not afraid to get their hands dirty” (20 per cent) as well as “handy around the house and garden” (15 per cent).

When asked which of the trades they thought was the sexist, builders came out on top (47 per cent) followed by chippies (21 per cent).


Single Dads Prefer Dating Online

Ya’ll know I have my problems with True.com (see my postings here), but I am not above quoting their surveys (minus their self-promoting ya-ya).  This is from a :

Survey results showed that most single fathers agree that online dating is a safer and easier method for meeting other singles:

  —75 percent of respondents said that online dating is the easiest way
    for single parents to meet others
  —67 percent said that online dating is a safer way to date


The survey also revealed that saving time is considered the most popular convenience of online dating:

  —37 percent said that online dating helped them balance time between
    work, dating and family
  —More than half (53 percent) go out on traditional dates less than once
    a month


How Many Find Love Online?

42% Find Love on the Net???

Market researchers Synovate found that 15% of Americans have used the Internet to find love, but of those, a whopping 42% have found what they were looking for: a spouse or life partner.


From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord


The Plight of the Single Career Woman Looking for Love

The more educated and successful a man is, the more marketable he is for love.  Just the opposite for women.  Ergo, the complaint of women in their 30’s, 40’s and up: Where does a high-powered, successful woman find a date, let alone a mate?

It’s a real conundrum.  More women are going to college and grad school now than men.  Younger women are at least as concerned and focused on their career as men have traditionally been.  Men have tradionally “married down,” paired with women who were younger, less educated and career-minded, and perhaps even lower on the social ladder.  Women have tradionally done the opposite: “Married up” to older, more successful men.  As women rise in education, success and finances, there is a dwindling pool of men who are more and better than they are. 

Then you have the “I don’t want to ‘settle’” attitude, meaning “accept less than what I think I deserve.”  And then you have an gigantic demand (highly qualified women) meeting an extremely limited pool of applicants (well-qualified guys, who may be wanting to do what guys have always done, marry down).

Women need to rethink what “settling” would be.  What might fit the traditional model of “more than” for the women might be nice for a date, but not so good for the longer haul.  What if both parnters were heavily career focused?  Who does the important support functions that a marriage and family needs?  And remember that careers don’t go on forever.  But hopefully a mate will.

Qualities that work better in a mate than tall, dark, handsome, and more successful might be trustworthiness, dependability, and persevereness.  What women—and men—might want in a date (handsome or beautiful, exciting, fun) might wear thin rather soon in a marriage. 

From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord


Gender Ratios on Online Dating Sites

From The New York Times, 2/26/2007:

Drilling Down
On Niche Dating Sites, Many More Women

During the week of Feb. 5, men and women visited online dating Web sites in nearly equal numbers, according to Hitwise, which measures online traffic. And to look at the 10 most popular sites not directed toward gay people, you might think that every dating site on the Internet was rigorously gender-balanced. All but one of the 10 largest sites came within 10 percentage points of being evenly split.

But among the smaller dating Web sites, many were drastically skewed. SeniorPeopleMeet, the 41st most popular site, had 80.8 percent women. BBW Datefinder, for “big beautiful women and admirers,” was No. 63, and had 76.3 percent women; and Catholic Match, No. 81, had 72 percent.

“It is a problem for them,” said Bill Tancer, general manager of global research at Hitwise. “It’s like any market; you want an equal number of buyers and sellers.”

But Greg Waldorf, the chief executive of eHarmony, the sixth most popular site and one with 68.6 percent women visitors, begged to differ. “If you asked me would I rather have more women or men, I’d rather have more women. If you have a good healthy population of women, I think men are attracted to that.” ALEX MINDLIN

My comment about this article that I posted on Mark Brooks’ Online Personals Watch

“If you asked me would I rather have more women or men, I’d rather have more women. If you have a good healthy population of women, I think men are attracted to that.” Well, duh! Yes, it’s good news for dating sites who want to increase their memberships, and great for guys who want easier pickings. But it is disaster for women, particularly those in the older age ranges, when the numbers are skewed enough as it is.

It’s so important that this kind of information (the gender ratios on sites) becomes available. Sites like eHarmony and Chemistry appeal to women because the are more “passive,” in that the site does the work of the matching and women do not need to put themselves so much on the line. What women don’t understand is that the numbers are so bad for them.

Openness and transparency (big buzz words nowadays) would go a long ways with Internet dating. Keeping women happy and on dating sites will be key to success. If all singles understood the gender ratios and the paid vs. unpaid numbers, then they could pick sites that would be most likely to work for them. The gender ratios would balance out, singles would get more responses to their emails, more matches would be made, customers would be happier, which would be great advertising, and dating sites would get more business. What could be better?

From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord


Hard Data on Gender Ratios, Age Ranges, and Site Traffic

Very interesting figures from Mark Brooks’ Online Personals Watch:

Male/Female Quantcast Ratios of Top Dating Properties

MalefemaleOPW—Feb 26th—Here are the male/female ratios, most popular age range, and proportion of visits from ‘regulars’ and ‘addicts.’ Ranking courtesy of Hitwise. Ratios, age range and addiction levels courtesy of Quantcast. ‘100’ represents the ‘internet average.’

1 Singlesnet
Male 112, Female 88, age 45-54, 91% of visits from regulars and addicts
2 Yahoo Personals
Male 114, Female 85, age 45-54, 78% regulars and addicts
Male 116, Female 83, age 45-54, 77% regulars and addicts
4 Match
Male 100, Female 99, age 45-54, 94% regulars and addicts
5 eHarmony
Male 73, Female 125, age 25-34 and 35-44, 95% regulars and addicts
6 Plentyoffish
Male 112, Female 87, age 45-54, 98% regulars and addicts
7 Mate1
Male 97, Female 102, age 45-54, 74% regulars and addicts
8 Blackpeoplemeet
Male 94, Female 105, age 35-44, 96% regulars and addicts
9 Manhunt.net
Male 177, Female 24, age 35-44, 99% regulars and addicts
10 Adam4Adam
Male 170, Female 31, age 35-44, 99% regulars and addicts
11 American Singles
Male 120, Female 89, age 45-54, 82% regulars and addicts
12 Gay.com
Male 171, Female 30, age 35-45, 96% regulars and addicts
13 Hot or Not
Male 122, Female 78, age 18-24, 95% regulars and addicts
14 MSN Match
Male 103, Female 97, age 45-54, 71% regulars and addicts
15 Cupid
Male 110, Female 89, age 45-54, 95% regulars and addicts

How to read this information:

Note that the numbers following “Male” and “Female” add roughly up to 200 for each site.  I read that as meaning for Singlesnet, for instance, that for every 112 men on the site, there are 88 women.  Therefore, the numbers on Singlesnet favor women.

The age ranges are the sites’ most popular, so Yahoo! Personals and Match.com attract heavily from the 45-54 age group, while Hot or Not draws the kiddos at 18-24.

The percentage figures indicate regular visitors vs transients.  So Yahoo! at 78% has much more transient traffic than Match.com at 94%

The sites with very large numbers of men are gay male sites (like gay.com).  (What are those 30 ladies doing doing on gay.com?  Are they real ladies?)

What that means for you:  If you are a man, it would pay you to go to a site that is more heavily female dominated, like eHarmony (73 men to 125 women).  Not such a good site for the ladies.

Look for a site that has large numbers in your age range. 

A high percentage of “regulars” says to me that the site has a loyal and active membership.  With few browsers.  Good news.

From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord



Women Outnumber Men on Chemistry.com

From Mark Brooks’ Online Personals Watch:

OPW—Feb 26—Chemistry.com has done a great job of reeling in the ladies. Possibly too good a job. Here’s an email that was sent to Match.com members today. - Mark Brooks

“We have too many women* and we need your help. We created a marketing campaign to attract as many of the most captivating women to our site as possible. And it worked! Actually, it worked so well that our ratio of women to men is way off. So men, come visit Chemistry.com and see what it’s like to have the odds in your favor!  *Disclaimer: We know you see a lot of disclaimers at the bottom filled with all kinds of legal mumbojumbo, however, we just want to use this space to reassure you, we really do have too many women and need your help.”

From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord


The Numbers

It’s Good to Know: If You’re Looking for Love on Valentine’s Day

  * For 20-somethings: There are 119 single (never married, divorced, or widowed) men for every 100 single women.

  * For the over-65 crowd: There are 34 single (never married, divorced, or widowed) men for every 100 single women.

  * To find those singles: There are 904 off-line and online dating services in the U.S.

(Source: The U.S. Census Bureau’s “Facts for Features”)

From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord


Want to Get Turned On?  Take Tango Lessons

I’ve been hearing from my clients that tango classes are the place to go for singles. They don’t have to convince me: I’m sure that nothing turns a woman on like a man who can dance. And I’ve written about it, too. See below.

Tango is the ultra ultra sexiest of dances, and the craze seems to be spreading. Read this article in the Post Independent to get a real feel for what dance evenings can be like.

Men: The numbers are terrific. Male dancers are always in demand. Go. Take lessons.

Women: What a wonderful way to experience your femininity. If you are tired of being the boss, take an evening in a dance studio and learn to be led.

From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord

Become a Babe Magnet without Surgery or Drugs!

Kathryn Lord © 2004 All Rights Reserved

“I’d like to find a partner who dances. Do you?” my profile on Match.com asked. My now-husband Drew emailed that he was willing to take lessons, and that was enough for me.

Non-dancer Drew’s courage to put himself out on the dance floor and to show in lesson after lesson his amateur status was truly impressive. We took private dance instruction for a year before our wedding, and as a result, got around the dance floor quite gracefully at our reception.

Women are dying to dance. Any man who can ask a woman to dance, then take charge of what happens on the floor and move relatively smoothly to music, has enormous appeal. Fat or skinny, short, tall, or not even close to attractive, even old, old, old, a man who is comfortable on the dance floor has his pick of the ladies.

For whatever the reason, dancing intoxicates. Especially women. Few men can really dance, and those guys are on the floor constantly. Some men think they can dance and do get up, ask the ladies, and have fun. But at least half the men sit or stand uncomfortably on the sidelines with all the women who wish to be on the dance floor.

We women don’t get to dance nearly as much as we’d like to, even the ladies who are good dancers. There aren’t enough dancing men to go around. You can almost feel the yearning, the sadness, and the disappointment in those women and between those non-dancing couples. And the non-dancing guys? Pathetic.

I personally know three women close to my age who met their now - spouses on the dance floor, and those ladies were great catches! Gentlemen and ladies, there’s a message here.


1. Take lessons and learn how to dance. Leading well takes skill, but if Drew could learn how, so can you.
2. Go to dances.

3. Ask women to dance. Lots of women. They’ll love it. Even if you aren’t so good, they’ll appreciate your efforts.

Dance lessons themselves are good places to meet women, and most dance studios have regular parties for their students to practice what they have learned.


1. Take dancing lessons yourself and learn how to follow. Here I was, 50 years old, thinking I loved to dance, and I had no idea how to do the woman’s part! Following takes skill! You have to figure out what your partner has in mind for you to do in a split second, and then actually do it, all while dancing backwards.

2. Buy yourself some real ballroom dancing shoes, maybe with high heels. Believe it or not, those shoes are comfortable. They have to be. Not only do they look very sexy, they stay on your feet!

3. Hang out at dances, too, if you like to dance. Single guys go to dances.

If you are connected to a dance studio, other single women will be at their parties as well as the studio instructors and male students, so you will know people. Dance parties are safe and comfortable for single women. Guys—nothing enhances as man’s romantic marketability more than becoming a decent dancer. Learning to dance is cost efficient and relatively painless. No surgery or blood loss, no sweaty hours at the gym, no personality makeovers needed. Just dance lessons. What’s stopping you? Look up the dance studio nearest you and make that call!

You’ll become a dancing babe magnet!


Cheap or Rude?  The Numbers Game

From a reader and loyal fan:

So, Kathryn, I decided that my numbers were a bit lower than one positive response out of seven mails sent.  In the morning, two days ago, I sent out 16 emails that were long enough to elicit a response, by showing some interest, and demonstrating that I actually READ the profile, instead of just looking at the pictures.

Results, 48 hours later were one nice note from a hot southern belle who just moved up here, and not one single “go away” response.

What the h-e-double-hockeysticks is wrong with wimmin’ that they don’t even send a simple “no thanks”?  You only have to click a button, no effort required.  Are there that many rude folks in the world, or are they all non-payers?

If non-payers, why do they sign on each day?

Too weird.

Good question, my friend. Courtesy doesn’t take much time and costs nothing. What you know is that they are cheap or rude.  Or both.

From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord


Kiss Me (in Lisdoonvarna), I’m Irish!

If you are single and female and have always wanted to live in Ireland, you ought to consider traveling to Lisdoonvarna. Men too may want to go, but it sounds like women have the numerical advantage. Where’s that and what do you do there? Well, golly, you look for a Sweetheart!

I’ve not heard of this before, but it looks like (pardon the expression!) a match made in heaven!All during September, particularly on the weekends, the little town of Lisdoonvarna, County Clare in Ireland, celebrates and enhances matchmaking. Singles from all over Ireland and beyond gather to look for love. Last year, 40,000 people attended, and 7,000 per weekend is not unusual. For a feel of the event, check out this article.

If you’d like to check out lots and lots of mate possibilities the old fashioned way—face to face—then this festival is for you.

From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord



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