Kathryn's Blog

The Plight of the Single Career Woman Looking for Love

The more educated and successful a man is, the more marketable he is for love.  Just the opposite for women.  Ergo, the complaint of women in their 30’s, 40’s and up: Where does a high-powered, successful woman find a date, let alone a mate?

It’s a real conundrum.  More women are going to college and grad school now than men.  Younger women are at least as concerned and focused on their career as men have traditionally been.  Men have tradionally “married down,” paired with women who were younger, less educated and career-minded, and perhaps even lower on the social ladder.  Women have tradionally done the opposite: “Married up” to older, more successful men.  As women rise in education, success and finances, there is a dwindling pool of men who are more and better than they are. 

Then you have the “I don’t want to ‘settle’” attitude, meaning “accept less than what I think I deserve.”  And then you have an gigantic demand (highly qualified women) meeting an extremely limited pool of applicants (well-qualified guys, who may be wanting to do what guys have always done, marry down).

Women need to rethink what “settling” would be.  What might fit the traditional model of “more than” for the women might be nice for a date, but not so good for the longer haul.  What if both parnters were heavily career focused?  Who does the important support functions that a marriage and family needs?  And remember that careers don’t go on forever.  But hopefully a mate will.

Qualities that work better in a mate than tall, dark, handsome, and more successful might be trustworthiness, dependability, and persevereness.  What women—and men—might want in a date (handsome or beautiful, exciting, fun) might wear thin rather soon in a marriage. 

From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord


STD’s and Internet dating

If you stick to cybersex, you shouldn’t have any problem avoiding giving or getting sexually transmitted diseases.  However, if you progress to face to face meetings, and eventually get to the point of having sex, you have to have The Safe Sex Talk and then decide if you are going to take the risk.

Interestingly, I have also read that STD’s are on the rise in retirement communities, since we entered the Viagra age.

If you do have an STD, it’s possible via the Net to find support and even dating groups.  Herpes, which 1 in 4 women have, and 1 in 5 men, has spawned clubs like Charlotteh.com (for people in the Charlotte area with herpes) and Atlantah for Atlantians.

Just like anyone on a dating site is identifying themselves as looking for love, someone at one of the STD sites is also self-identifying.  That takes a lot of guess work out, as well as the stress of having to tell about having an STD. 

So if you have a similar concern, go to Google and search on “whatever your STD”+“dating site” and see what gets listed.

From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord


See My Views on True.com Sponsored Legislation

I’ve written extensively here on True.com’s efforts to essentially legislate their business model.  They are trying again here in Florida, and I have testified against the bill, as well as written this op ed piece which is in today’s local paper:

In the Tallahassee Democrat:

Article published Apr 20, 2007
Saturday My View: Law would promote careless online dating
By Kathryn Lord

I am a romance coach with an international Internet-based business here in Tallahassee. I work with singles to find partners using Internet dating sites. I’m concerned that our Legislature is considering a new law that could endanger Florida singles who use Internet dating services. House Bill 531 and Senate Bill 1224 would create a false sense of security by having the state endorse an outdated and ineffective way to keep convicted criminals off of online dating sites.

The main proponent of these bills is True.com. I have been watching and writing about True.com’s attempts to legislate its business model for more than two years (read more on my blog: https://find-a-sweetheart.com/blog/C37). True.com has come up with a clever strategy to get publicity and hamper its competition: True.com asks state legislators for a law that requires dating sites to disclose whether they screen members for previous felony convictions (True.com claims it does).

That sounds like a good idea, until you learn that True.com’s screening is based only on the name given by a potential member, without any serious attempt to verify the person’s true identity. That’s never going to identify a convicted criminal who simply uses another name.

What’s more, the True.com screen looks only for felony convictions, intentionally avoiding the cost of checking for misdemeanors, which would pick up convictions for assault, stalking and sexual violence.

True.com encourages a false promise of security in singles, and now it wants Florida’s Legislature to hold it up as an example for other dating services.

Not only does True.com’s screenings appear to be woefully inadequate, but also, any criminal or would-be criminal with some intelligence could easily figure out how to get past the screening. I worry more about the smart folks with bad intentions, rather than the ones who have already been caught at least once. This kind of legislation encourages singles to believe that they are safe and drop their normal and reasonable precautions.

In my work, I coach Florida singles to use online dating services that I believe are wonderful resources to find a partner. I met my now-husband nine years ago on Match.com. He lived in Mississippi, and because I had never been west of Pensacola, we never would have met otherwise. When I was Internet dating, I worried about safety, but I never had an experience where I felt threatened.

If Internet dating is really as dangerous as this legislation seems to suggest, then why would singles be flocking to online dating sites in such huge numbers? Internet dating sites are more profitable than just about any other online business. Singles talk to each other, and they are telling about what a wonderful - and reasonably safe - resource the Internet is in the all-too-human quest for love.

Online dating services are inherently safer than many other dating methods. Singles remain anonymous in their own homes while asking as many questions and learning about potential dates at their leisure.

Ineffective background screens such as the one True.com offers would remove the element of Internet dating that encourages proactivity and would falsely give people the impression that their correspondent is not a criminal. Currently, many existing online dating services provide safety guidelines to their customers that are common knowledge. As well, Internet dating is rapidly evolving its own safety guidelines and rules that ironically are making traditional dating safer, too.

No other dating venues that I am aware of perform or require notification of background checking. When was the last time you went to a bar or singles social at church where warnings about background checks were posted? Yet we all know that you can meet dangerous people in bars and in church.

Again, this legislation would falsely give Florida singles the impression that they are fully informed on the background of the person they are interested in dating and would eliminate singles’ initiative to ask questions and exercise caution. True.com should not need legislation to succeed in the online dating business.

All Floridians need to take a proactive role in their safety and security online and offline and stand against this legislation by informing our legislators that HB531 and SB1224 are the wrong way to protect Floridians.


For Aspiring Sugar Daddies, Mamas, and Babies

Is it about love or money?  Well, at least sites like SeekingArrangement.com make it absolutely clear, that on this site at least, it’s about money.  Here’s what the site says about itself:  “SeekingArrangement is the premier Sugar Daddy Dating site. We are a matchmaking website for wealthy benefactors, and attractive guys & gals.”  And “An Arrangement is short for “Mutually Beneficial Relationship” between two people. Such a relationship is usually between an older and wealthy individual who gives a young person expensive gifts or financial assistance in return for friendship, intimacy or sex.”

This site is certainly a step or so beyond the already obnoxious millionaire matching sites I have already written about.

Okay, in some ways I can see how this can be good.  Another route to get those who are not serious about looking for a long term, faithful, equal and honest relationship can go.  And it is surely capitalistic: if you’ve got the money, flaunt it and buy what you want.

One of the most popular postings on my blog comment-wise is a short one about sugar mamas  I have one guy after another (and at least one woman) who would love to find a woman to support them. 

It is hard to believe.  But look at the evidence.

From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord



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