Kathryn's Blog

SAQ #7 Why is getting rejected a good thing?

Fear of rejection is right at the top of the list for most singles contemplating a search for love. It’s easy to understand, because looking for love feels very personal and a “No, thanks,” whether spoken, written, or inferred seems like a rejection of one’s vulnerable essence. 

However, in modern Internet-aided dating, “no’s” can actually be good news. One of the biggest problems on dating sites is sorting through the multitudes of potential candidates. While lots of profiles increase your chances of getting just what you are looking for, it takes a tremendous amount of time studying what is being offered, writing that critical first email, then, if accepted, building an email relationship, then to the phone or Skype, and onto that first coffee date…which could easily be a big disappointment. And time is something singles do not want to waste. All you get is older, which is not a good thing in the dating market.

So this is where the advantage of rejection comes in: if who you could be interested in is not interested in you (for whatever reason, you likely never will know), you want to know, and you want to know soon. You do not want to waste time. Anyone who does not have the guts to say no to you when they are really not interested and knows it are wasting your precious time. The sooner you know, the sooner you can go on to the next most likely candidate.

As well, rejections help you refine your search. You’ll be presented with so many profiles, all of which will look equally likely to say “yes” to you. But that is not true. Most will NOT say yes to you. Most will say “No.” Either they will not want what you have to offer, they are already occupied, or they are taking a break and are asleep at their computer.  You’ll never know. You may be overestimating what you have to offer and contacting people out of your league. Those “no’s,” if you pay attention, will help you refine and adjust your searching until you start getting “yes’s.”

But you do have to pay attention. One guy I was working with kept contacting women 20 years younger than he was, all gorgeous. And he got no replies, at all. But he kept up the same kind of search, with the same results. Plus he had me telling him of the need to change, to go older with the ages and start looking at women in the mid ranges of looks. His results (nothing) indicated that he would rather keep his fantasy of a young, beautiful woman rather than to adjust to the reality of what was actually possible for him to attract (he did have some very attractive qualities) and have some real women to date.

Here’s a graphic that Illustrates what I am saying:
All the white area inside the blue box represents all the singles on your dating site. It really should be bigger, because those who you will be interested in are only a small percentage of the total number. Anyway: the white area represents those who you are not interested in and who are not interested in you. You’ll never have to deal with them, because you won’t contact them, and they won’t contact you.

The blue circle is everyone you are interested in enough to contact. The pink circle is everyone who is interested enough in you to get in touch or respond to your emails. The overlapping part is the treasure chest, the part that is really important. You like them, they like you. Notice the largest part of each of the big circles do not match up: those are rejections waiting to happen. You need to know if the people you are interested in are interested in you or not.  And you need to tell those who contact you if you are not interested. Then both of you can invest your time where you will have the most chance of success: those who interest you who are interested back.

Learn to welcome those rejections. Each one means that you did something, took a risk and made a contact. Yea! Several or more rejections of a similar type (like my guy who kept after those young babes) are valuable information that will help you refine your search. If you pay attention, learn the lessons, and make changes in your search, you’ll get better results. And at some point, the win of your life!



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