Kathryn's Blog

FAQ #9 There are no good men/women where I live.  Why should I even try?

My goodness, that sounds hard to believe, especially given that the U. S. Census says that 43% of Americans over 18 are single.  Let’s look at why you might be thinking that:

Do you live in a remote, sparsely populated area?  Sometimes, facts are facts.  The fewer the people and the greater the distance, the less likely it is that there will be singles at all, let alone ones you would like who would also like you.

Are you so firmly rooted in where you live that you will not consider moving, maybe even from your own home?  I’ve worked with a number of people who, for various reasons, including family obligations, career, financial limitations, rigidity, or just plain taste, will only look in a tightly circumscribed geographical area.

Are you so specific – and narrow – about who and what you are looking for that no eligible singles are left? If you have decided, right down to hair and eye color (which dating sites allow and encourage you to do), what you are looking for, you may have eliminated every single possibility.

Have you overestimated your value on the mate market?  It’s a natural human tendency to overestimate our own worth.  The statement “There are no good men/women where I live” implies that you think you are better than what you actually may be. Rather unattractive, don’t you think?

If indeed, you live in a remote area – and perhaps can’t or will not move, you have a big problem.  Your only hope is to search wide and hope that you will meet someone who will come to you.  If you live in a beautiful area, perhaps you can entice a Sweetie to move there.  Try a site like FarmersOnly.com Then open the search criteria you are using as far as possible.  For instance, if your ideal is between 32 and 36, widen the age range to 28 to 45.  You’ll catch more folks in your net.

Consider moving to (or at least searching in) a more “target rich” area.  If you were a moose hunter, you wouldn’t go to New York’s Central Park to bag game.  Conversely, if you live in the willywags and are looking for love, Central Park would provide a much better hunting ground.

Widen, widen, widen your eyes and your search criteria.  Minimize the number of factors you use in your dating searches (perhaps to gender, age, and a wide geographical circle – like 100 miles from your zip code), and see who falls into the search.  If it is hundreds, then good!  You have plenty to pick from.  You can even narrow the criteria a bit to cut down on the numbers – perhaps you eliminate all smokers (only about 25% of Americans now smoke).  Then start contacting your results.  Those who respond to you are your market.  If no one responds, you have probably overestimated your worth.  Widen your criteria again, sending out those first emails, until you have a nice pool of interested candidates.

In truth, there are lots and lots of wonderful men and women – just like you – who are ready for love and looking.  Your job is to figure out where they are and then be able to recognize them when you find them.  Do not be fooled by a pretty picture or the “not perfect” profile.  Look for character and readiness, and most of all, how they respond to you.


FAQ #8. How do I tell my date about xyz?

You would not believe how many people worry about when and how to tell a new Sweetheart something that they normally keep hidden away. Or, you may have no trouble believing it, since you have your own secrets that you agonize over. Rest assured, you are not alone.

Now, you do not have to tell EVERYTHING that ever happened to you, good or bad. Most of us realize that after a certain age (like, 18? Or earlier?), we all have pasts, and we all deserve some privacy. 

But some things do need telling.  Here are some guidelines:

What if you were dating you? Would your secret be something YOU would want to know about?  Would it affect your decisions about continuing in a relationship?

Can your Sweetheart possibly learn the information other than from you?  From relatives, friends, finding evidence amongst your “stuff,” or in the thoroughly modern Google search?

If your Sweetheart found out the truth, might he/she then feel tricked, deceived, or lied to? Does the information have to do with your or his health, or your future life together?

Then there is how telling or not telling would affect YOU: Does your worry get in the way of your searching and finding a Sweetheart? Would you feel guilty if you don’t tell? Would you worry that your Sweetheart might find out?

Okay, now you know what needs telling.  The next step is figuring out how.

First, you need to make some peace with yourself.  You need to move from shame and embarrassment to a sober assessment of the “secret’s” impact on your life, what you have learned, and how you have changed as a result.  This can be a very hard, but very important, piece of work.  If you haven’t done it yet, you may want to work with a therapist or coach.

Once you can imagine talking about your secret without shame, then start preparing what you will say.  You might write a sort of script that you practice reading, then saying out loud, until you can do it calmly and without writhing. 

Then you need to decide when to impart the news.  I suggest sooner rather than later in the dating process.  Do not wait too long, when your partner may be quite attached,  find it difficult to assimilate the information that might have a significant impact and affect his/her decision to continue with you, and get very angry as a result. 

She/he needs to know early on.  And you need her/him to know, too.  Then if they decide to go forward, you will not have to worry about the secret being discovered.  As well, you will have found a real gem in their acceptance.  And the all-important “trust” just has had a giant infusion.

(This article is a short treatment of the issue.  To get more depth and “how to’s,” see my book “Find a Sweetheart Soon!” Chapter 13.)



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