Kathryn's Blog

Late Bloomers?

I learn so much from my clients, and I have been learning a lot lately about men and women who never got started sexually.  I have been writing about what I have learned in *eMAIL to eMATE*.  Here’s the first article I wrote in the March 1, 2010, issue. 

Late Bloomers?

Late bloomers is a term that describes a person whose talents or abilities are slow to develop.  In this case, I am using the term for adults who missed the normal start of sexual and relationship skills.

I’ve had two different clients over the past year who have been struggling with this phenomenon.  One is a woman who met a man online that she liked very much, but who seemed pretty inexperienced sexually.  The other client is a man who represents the other side of the issue: despite being good looking, a professional, genuinely nice guy, he has never had sex with another person.  Highly sensitive men, they seems to have “missed the boat” in relationship experience, continued to miss opportunities that came later, and have gotten so far behind that they cannot figure out how they can ever get started.

It’s been a real privilege for me to work with these two people and see, close up, the frustrations involved.  And you will get the benefit of what we have been learning together. Maybe you know someone who is in a similar situation, or maybe I am describing you.

Here are the similarities: Both men are good looking, professionals with good incomes, and never married. One of the men has never had a full consensual sexual experience with another person.  The other man I cannot be so sure of, because he has not been my client, but all signs point to an extreme lack of sexual experience, coupled with active avoidance of sexual situations.  Another similarity: both men had close emotional relationships to their mothers.

Here is the difference—and it is a biggie: One man is my client and the other is not. 

Let’s call the one who is my client Jack.  The other man we will call Bob, and his girlfriend who is my client, Joyce.

Jack is highly motivated.  After some struggle in the beginning on who was going to be in control, we’ve settled into a really fine working relationship.  Jack scours the Internet for information about his “condition.”  He reads everything that I suggest and quickly puts it into his formulation and understanding of what is going on.

Bob is not motivated at all. Bob avoids real dates with any chance of intimacy.  His avoidance pushes Joyce into pursuing, which of course causes Bob to become even more remote.  I think that Bob’s needs are met with Joyce – he has a diversion, Joyce is very nurturing, and he has a “sort of” girlfriend.  But for Joyce, this relationship is full of frustration and pain.

Do either of these situations describe you or something you have been involved in? 

These two men are in a silent and hidden group who have yet to “come out.”  It is all too easy for them to stay “in the closet” because they are not DOING anything.  That is what they are doing, actually: nothing.  Because doing nothing is hard to detect or find fault, they stay hidden and totally misunderstood.  The best that most folks are able to do as far as understanding what is going on with these men is to guess, “Well, they must be gay.”  Most men would assume that, because men have a hard time understanding how a man could resist the internal sexual pressure they experience themselves. 

Certainly, some men who avoid sexual relationships with women are gay, closeted or not.  But this group of men appear to be quite interested in women, just way behind in sexual and relational experience.  My client Jack has really helped me with my understanding of the issues these men have.  Working together, we have come up with some strategies that have helped Jack get much farther in a relationship with a woman than he ever has before.  In the next issue of *eMAIL to eMATE*, I’ll write about what we have figured out that is helping Jack.



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