Getting Married!
I got this wonderful note in my email box the other day. What great news, and thanks for giving me some credit, Mary Jane!
I contacted you not to long ago; and, it was right after that I meant my soon to be Husband.
You have been a great inspiration; and, I want to thank you.
I will be getting married on May 18, 2007, to a wonderful man that I knew from high school; and, our paths have crossed many, many times.
We have been together for 8 months; and, when we get married we will be just 3 days from being together for a year. Thanks again.
Sincerely, Mary Jane Zeh
Congratulations!
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
From my mailbag:
Ok Kathryn, I’m coming to you for more advice, if you don’t mind.
I can’t find anything on-line that really answers this. I have two problems:
One, the guy that I initiated the contact with first—We had two dates and I thought we really hit it off well. The second date he mentioned a restaurant he wanted to take me to the next week. I never heard another word. Even though I e-mailed him first, at that point I was waiting for him to make the moves—right? Now I’m wondering if I should have continued to e-mail him to keep it going, and not wait for him. Is there any possibility that by not e-mailing him, that he thinks I wasn’t interested? Or is this just what it looks like, that he changed his mind and is not “that into me”? I guess since I made the first move, it’s hard to justify reverting to the old-fashioned “let him chase me” rules. What is the rule these days?
Second problem: Went for a first meet. I’m not interested. But he went so overboard about how successful this date was and on and on that I felt put on the spot. And you know how bad I am about saying my true thoughts!! So I guess I’ve got a second date. Should I just e-mail him and end it? How do you gracefully say you’re not compatible?
Thanks so much for any advice you can give. Roberta
Hey Robin Roberta – oh, those {“who chases who” rules, and how to say “No.” Here’s what I say:
Guy #1: You were on the right track in that you made the first move. You are much more likely to get what you want when you do the picking. Yea. I do not think it is a good idea for women to hang back at any point, with the idea that guys want to chase, if indeed the lady is interested. I say, “If something is important for you, do not give the control away to someone else.”
Of course, you can’t MAKE him like you, but you can make sure that he knows you are interested and would like to see him again. At the very least, you should follow up a successful date with an email saying how much you enjoyed yourself and how you are looking forward to seeing him again. That is a MINIMAL response. I strongly suggest going beyond that. Go on a date with an idea about what to do next, if you like the guy. I call it “Building a bridge.” If you know that you want to see him again, start the ball rolling with “There’s a great movie opening in town next week that I want to see. Would you like to go?” Or something like that.
He will either say yes or no, or will act that out (saying yes but canceling) so that then you know rather than having to guess. Guys get scared too, and back off for the slightest reasons. Make sure it is not because he does not know if you are interested.
Guy #2: Opposite side of the same problem. Nobody wants to be the recipient of a pity date. If you don’t want to indicate a “no” during a first date, say you want to think about it, then email a clearly worded “I don’t see a match here” statement, and then don’t back off.
I have yet to hear ONE guy say they do not like it if women take the lead. They LOVE it. Resist the game playing that “The Rules” and “He’s Just Not That Into You” have spawned.”
Keep me posted! K
Kathryn’s on Yahoo!
Did you know that I write for Yahoo! Personals? Every few weeks or so, a link one of my articles is posted on the front page of Yahoo!, and watch out! Visits to my website go up times ten or more, I get stacks of emails from singles asking for coaching and advice, and new readers join the mailing list of my enewsletter *eMAIL to eMATE* (You aren’t a subscriber??? Sign up here.) It lasts for about a day, then it is back to the normal flow. I can practically tell to the minute when my article goes off the board and the new stuff comes up.
I was a Yahoo! star earlier this week ( Yahoo! featured), and right in the middle of all the emails came the following:
I just wanted to thank you for sharing your insight and knowledge in the dating arena. After reading your article on “Are you ready for a new relationship”, it helped me to understand more about myself, and what to present to my future significant other.
Thank you again for your contribution to this modern problem that many people face.
Sincerely,
John
Isn’t that wonderful? That makes all my work worthwhile.
I also heard from one of my old therapy clients who now is single, found me via Yahoo!, and wants Romance Coaching. And I heard from a Romance client from way back who is getting married. Yahoo!
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Letting Go
Dear Kathryn,
I am 42 years old. Fell in love with a man a year ago. We dated for nine months. I gave him an ultimatum for exclusivity. I haven’t spoken with him since January. I can’t get him out of my mind and my heart. I want to move on, but can’t. Do you have any suggestions for moving on? Jenna
Dear Jenna --
How about some emotional house cleaning? You could get together everything that reminds you of him and burn them in a ceremony. Or completely clean your bedroom top to bottom and buy all new sheets and bedding, new nightgowns and lingerie for you. Start making changes in your daily routine—any time you find yourself obsession (like driving to work), make a change. Change your route, the radio station, or get yourself some books on tape to listen to. Do not allow yourself obsessing time. It’s like picking a scab—deliciously painful and sure to bleed. Notice your patterns and then make plans to do that time differently.
How does that sound?
BTW, did you know that I offer a free first romance coaching session? Getting back in the dating race will help too.
Best, Kathryn
Kathryn Lord, Romance Coach / Helping Singles Find A Sweetheart!
eBk: “Find A Sweetheart Soon! Your Love Trip Planner for Women” Purchase ebook at: http://www.YourLoveTripPlanner.com
Stay current with my complimentary enewsletter *eMAIL to eMATE*
Subscribe at https://find-a-sweetheart.com/newsletter.php
https://Find-A-Sweetheart.com / email:
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Pounds Count. Sigh.
I get letters from visitors to my website and readers of my enewsletter all the time. When I think that the questions posed are of interest to more than the writer, I often alter the writer’s note to conceal identifying details, then publish the relevant content here or in my free *eMAIL to eMATE* enewsletter. (Not a subscriber? Sign up here!)
I got this note from a coaching friend recently. I am on the
round side myself, and understand the irritation women who are
not rail thin have when reading men’s wish lists in their
Internet dating profiles. When the average weights for white
American women are 149 for women 40-49 and 158 for women 50-59
(that means that half the women in each age group are above that
weight and half are below), and the average dress size a 14,
asking for “thin or slender” is cutting out lots of really good
women. Like probably 75%.
I joined a small Christian Internet dating site about a
year ago. I joined because I was bored, in a new town,
and needed to boost my social life even if it was just
virtual. At the time I joined I was about 50 pounds
heavier than I am now. I did not receive much interest.
Some, but not too much that interested me in return.
Often when I would initiate contact, I would receive a
message that their ideal match needed to be very thin.
I did connect with one person at that time. We scheduled
a meeting,,,at the beach no less, in a swimsuit. Upon
meeting me in person, he was not longer interested. He
was gracious, just bowed out. I was disappointed.
So, I finally got my act together and decided to find the
real me again which was indeed a size 6 or 8 hiding in
that size 12 to 14 body. I found a diet plan that worked
which eventually did involve the services of a bariatric
physician. What had worked for me in the past did not
work this time. I had to do something new.
I lost the 50 extra pounds through a combination of
controlled eating and exercise. Not rocket science, we
all really know what it takes, just have trouble with the
motivation. Now I needed new pictures. I took a self
portrait, a head shot in the mirror. Posted it with some
improvement. I finally got a friend to take some new
pictures with a digital camera. Two great shots
resulted. Posted them. Wow! What a difference. Now
when I log on, I can hardly tend to email for all the
chatting requests. And the volume of the mail has
greatly increased.
Men have similar resentments about height specifications from
women. Many women would LIKE a man over 6 feet tall, but only
15% of men would qualify. Average height for American men around
age 50 is 5’ 8”. I encourage my women clients to really expand
their height specifications. at least to their own height and
above. Character is more important than height. I would suggest
that it is also more important than weight.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Low Income and Dating Potential
I get letters from visitors to my website and readers of my enewsletter all the time. When I think that the questions posed are of interest to more than the writer, I often alter the writer’s note to conceal identifying details, then publish the relevant content here or in my free *eMAIL to eMATE* enewsletter. (Not a subscriber? Sign up here!)
Dear Kathryn,
I am a very proud. divorced Hispanic artist and have been told that am as handsome as a movie star. I have also been told that I am above average in intelligence, yet I keep being turned down for dates. Like most artists, I do not earn much money and I would like to know how I can convince some ladies that I am a good catch despite my lack of much money? Like most people, I hate rejection. Any suggestions?
Jose
Well, Jose, you pose a difficult question. I don’t know how old you are, but the older a man gets, the more women will look at financial accomplishments as part of a total package. Of course, men look at women’s finances too. Only smart on both parts. Pride and good looks lose their luster with age, when women start looking to other qualities.
Finding a partner can be compared to striking a bargain like buying a car. What do you have to offer in the deal? The more that you have to offer, the better deal that you can strike. I suggest that you look to increasing your worth as much as possible, and I don’t mean just money. Kindness, generosity, dependability, humility, good character all might be qualities for you to work on that would increase your appeal to women. You also might want to take a look at my two articles on rejection: and
Good luck to you. Kathryn
Dear Kathryn,
I read with interest your comment on my previous query. I am in my mid 50s but feel 20 years younger and have been trying to date women aged less than 40. I am puzzled about your explanation about money. I am not flat broke but will not own a car for personal reasons and I detest ostentatious displays of wealth. If money can buy love, how come so many poor people love each other? As for the other precious characteristics you mentioned, I possess them all but no one seems to be willing to give me a chance to show them. I interpret rejection as a signal that “you are not a nice person.” My response to this is “if you can judge me without knowing much about me, you are not a nice person.” Are there any nice girls left?
Dear Jose,
Now you include another clue for why you are getting rejected: If you are in your mid 50’s and approaching women under 40, your rejection level is going to be high. Why would a woman that age want a man in his 50’s who is not well established financially? Again, you need to get more realistic about what you have to offer and look for women who are more likely to accept what you have—women your age, for instance.
Best, Kathryn
Transgendered Dating Woes
I get letters from visitors to my website and readers of my enewsletter all the time. When I think that the questions posed are of interest to more than the writer, I often alter the writer’s note to conceal identifying details, then publish the relevant content here or in my free *eMAIL to eMATE* enewsletter. (Not a subscriber? Sign up here!)
well hi iam a transgender m to f and i been on sites looking for love on everyone of them from paid ones to free ones and none of them worked ... all i got is people who are married or had lover ... or just people who have interest to u but then have many other people they are being with at the same time being with me… i want someone who will give me just me the attention but i cant find that ... its just that since most are online they feel like there are more options than me so they see many many people and when they get tired them they come back to me and i get that all the time ... so after a while i started to try a relationship over seas cus iam in the U.S. and it did not work either it was even worser ... i did not get the attention i wanted ... like i said to many options ... i guess u can say iam picky but i know what i want ... iam really attracted to other transgenders like me or girls ... and iam looking for someone who is asian like(chinese, thai , f!
ilipino, japanese , etc) .... kind of tall but not real talk just kind of talk ... and just someone who can be there for me no matter what and not make up excuses ... but just wondering if u can help me on this i have posted on sites i have done everything ... spent money on some just a waste of meoney ... and it seems like no matter what i say i want people who i dont want always respond even when i say it cleary what i want ... so if u can cud u plz help me ok bye and take care and thanks…
Trish
Hey Trish—I have been trying to think of how to respond to your letter. You have one complicated set of issues here, and certainly a difficult one. I see the biggest obstacle that you have is the small number of people in the group that you are interested in and who would be interested in you. First off, you are transgendered, and while things have changed a lot for TG’s in the last few years, still, the proportion of people who would be willing to consider a TG partner for a monogamous, long term relationship has to be quite small, well less than 10% of available singles, and maybe even less than 1%. That factor alone restricts your potential pool drastically. Then you list your own requirements: other TG’s (probably the best group for you to consider, since they understand your situation so well), girls (lesbians), Asian, and kind of tall (Asians tend not to be that tall). These each eliminate more and more people from your pool. No wonder your search has been so long.
I would encourage you to widen your parameters as much as possible. The biggest factor limiting your numbers is that you are transgendered, which is a fact and can’t be changed. So look in the group of people who would consider a TG partner. Then look seriously at ALL that you find in that group and stop looking for kind of tall Asian women. You need to expand your market as much as possible.
Good luck!
Best, Kathryn
72 But Feeling 60
I get letters from visitors to my website and readers of my enewsletter all the time. When I think that the questions posed are of interest to more than the writer, I often alter the writer’s note to conceal identifying details, then publish the relevant content here or in my free *eMAIL to eMATE* enewsletter. (Not a subscriber? Sign up here!)
Dear Kathryn -
How much does Romance Coaching cost? I live on Social Security
only...a very small limited income. Money is very scarce. And
what’s the chance of finding love at 72 when I feel 60, and am
not attracted to men my age? Thanks, Betty
Hey Betty --
Probably, individual coaching would be out of your price range.
I charge $75 per half hour on the phone, with unlimited email
support in between. I’d suggest that you take advantage of my
lower cost options. There’s tons of free information on my
website. I’m doing one of my “Talk to Your Romance Coach for
FREE!” hours on July 12. It’ll be on the phone with whoever
signs up and calls in. These hours are always lively and
informative.
I offer regular workshops (listed on my website) for far less
than individual coaching. My book “Find a Sweetheart Soon!” is
only about $30 and does a thorough job getting you ready for a
mate search.
A single’s financial status will be important to your potential mate.
And dating costs money. You might want to think about ways to
supplement your income. Since you feel 60, you may very well
have some good money-making opportunities that would get you
out and about, and also give you some extra money to spend on
dating related activities.
As far as your chances of finding love, everything that you can
do to increase the possibilities helps your chances. Internet
dating is a fantastic resource. Keep in mind that there are men
your age that feel and look 60, too. Widen your parameters on
who would be possible mates. Watch your critical thinking and
start noticing what you do want, rather than what you don’t. The
route most likely to fail: Do nothing.
Best of luck, Kathryn
Feedback on My Article on Yahoo! Personals
I get letters from visitors to my website and readers of my enewsletter all the time. When I think that the questions posed are of interest to more than the writer, I often alter the writer’s note to conceal identifying details, then publish the relevant content here or in my free *eMAIL to eMATE* enewsletter. (Not a subscriber? Sign up here!)
Kathryn:
Just read your piece on Yahoo personals and wanted to thank you for that. I’ve had to
say “no” a few times since being back in the dating world, but when I finally found someone I was truly interested in, and she said “no” to furthering the relationship, it just killed me. I ended up drinking beer all day the next day and being terribly depressed. It hit me much harder that it should have, and I wish I’d read your article before it happened, because now I can see it wasn’t the end of the world after all, and being removed from it now, I can see we probably wouldn’t have been a good match anyway. I’m only a tenth of the way through those hundred first dates, and feel very hopeful that I will find love before I get there.
Thanks again! Jim
I get letters from visitors to my website and readers of my enewsletter all the time. When I think that the questions posed are of interest to more than the writer, I often alter the writer’s note to conceal identifying details, then publish the relevant content here or in my free *eMAIL to eMATE* enewsletter. (Not a subscriber? Sign up here!)
Dear Kathryn,
I am 44 years old, single, white, nonsmoker, and consider myself a decent person. Yet, I don’t have much luck in finding the right one. I am never married, although, there has been one or two in my past that have reasonably close. My longest relationship is six months. ( I guess by now you are laughing.) Most of my friends from high school are divorced at least once.
I have noticed that today, girls my age are more focused on whether you can provide them with a Lexus SUV and an unlimited checking account. I cannot. I only make $18,000 a year with my wonderful BA degree and real estate license.
I don’t smoke, dip snuff, or have any tattoos. In fact, I guess you could say I am more like Wally on Leave It To Beaver. Yet, I think some girls out there are looking for bad boy types on Harleys.
I am without a clue and just about given up on the prospect that I will ever find anyone for me.
I get mostly rejection....Women run from me and interrogate me more about my career and finances than about whether I like the Dallas Cowboys or what is my favorite color.
Can you tell me five things that most women like and what I should be doing. I have no clue anymore.
Roger
Yeeoweekazowee, Roger. What a saga. Well, I think you know the answer to your question. It is all over your email. You are wrong about the Lexus and unlimited bank account, but women looking at a 46 year old guy will want to know that he can at least fill a gas tank. How do you even buy food on $18,000 a year? If you were 22 and not 44, the $18,000 would not be that big a deal, but 44???!!!
You sell real estate. You know that the value of a property is what someone is willing to sell (or trade) for it. What is your value on the mate market? You sound like a nice guy, but at 44, an American man should be well established in a career, near or at the top of his earning capacity, own property and have a good net worth. Women—and nowadays men too—look carefully at that in a potential partner. They ask “Will this man/woman pull his/her financial weight in the relationship? Is he/she saving for retirement and the future? Will he/she be able to take care of me if I get sick? What about children and the skills and ability to support a family?” If the individual comes up short, then why? Does he/she have other attributes to offer (beauty, charm, skills, etc) that tip the balance? Is there an explanation of the current financial situation that makes sense, and a plan to change it? Like the individual is retraining for a more lucrative field, has made or lost his/her first million and is gearing up for a second, or is living on a trust fund that will pay off big in the future (that last one is not that good, but better than nothing)? Or are they planning to win the lottery (wishful thinking)?
Income and financial stability is more that just about dollars. It[s a rough indicator of ability to set goals and plan, to organize oneself, to anticipate the future. It can say something about character: amibition, realistic thinking, self-respect.
You need to look at what can be done to increase your dating worth. The easiest and most under your control is figure out how to make more money. Sorry, but it’s not just women looking for dollar signs. At your age, you should be more financially set.
Best wishes, Kathryn
Take Care of Your Love
I get letters from visitors to my website and readers of my enewsletter all the time. When I think that the questions posed are of interest to more than the writer, I often alter the writer’s note to conceal identifying details, then publish the relevant content here or in my free *eMAIL to eMATE* enewsletter. (Not a subscriber? Sign up here!)
How does one keep the relationship fun, and interesting?
Now that’s a difficult question. Here are my best thoughts:
Don’t get lazy. Maintain a sense of responsibility to contribute to the fun and stimulation. Think of the relationship like a baby that needs to be fed and taken care of. What would you do to keep a baby happy and content? I don’t mean treating your partner like a baby, but I do mean that the relationship needs constant attention. Keep feeding it, and it will feed you back.
Best, Kathryn
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