Kathryn's Blog

Best Rules are to Forget Them

From my mailbag:

Ok Kathryn, I’m coming to you for more advice, if you don’t mind. 

I can’t find anything on-line that really answers this.  I have two problems: 

One, the guy that I initiated the contact with first—We had two dates and I thought we really hit it off well.  The second date he mentioned a restaurant he wanted to take me to the next week.  I never heard another word.  Even though I e-mailed him first, at that point I was waiting for him to make the moves—right?  Now I’m wondering if I should have continued to e-mail him to keep it going, and not wait for him.  Is there any possibility that by not e-mailing him, that he thinks I wasn’t interested?  Or is this just what it looks like, that he changed his mind and is not “that into me”?  I guess since I made the first move, it’s hard to justify reverting to the old-fashioned “let him chase me” rules.  What is the rule these days? 

Second problem:  Went for a first meet.  I’m not interested.  But he went so overboard about how successful this date was and on and on that I felt put on the spot.  And you know how bad I am about saying my true thoughts!!  So I guess I’ve got a second date.  Should I just e-mail him and end it?  How do you gracefully say you’re not compatible? 

Thanks so much for any advice you can give.  Roberta

Hey Robin Roberta – oh, those {“who chases who” rules, and how to say “No.”  Here’s what I say:

Guy #1:  You were on the right track in that you made the first move.  You are much more likely to get what you want when you do the picking.  Yea.  I do not think it is a good idea for women to hang back at any point, with the idea that guys want to chase, if indeed the lady is interested.  I say, “If something is important for you, do not give the control away to someone else.” 

Of course, you can’t MAKE him like you, but you can make sure that he knows you are interested and would like to see him again.  At the very least, you should follow up a successful date with an email saying how much you enjoyed yourself and how you are looking forward to seeing him again.  That is a MINIMAL response.  I strongly suggest going beyond that.  Go on a date with an idea about what to do next, if you like the guy.  I call it “Building a bridge.”  If you know that you want to see him again, start the ball rolling with “There’s a great movie opening in town next week that I want to see.  Would you like to go?”  Or something like that.

He will either say yes or no, or will act that out (saying yes but canceling) so that then you know rather than having to guess.  Guys get scared too, and back off for the slightest reasons.  Make sure it is not because he does not know if you are interested.

Guy #2:  Opposite side of the same problem.  Nobody wants to be the recipient of a pity date.  If you don’t want to indicate a “no” during a first date, say you want to think about it, then email a clearly worded “I don’t see a match here” statement, and then don’t back off. 

I have yet to hear ONE guy say they do not like it if women take the lead.  They LOVE it.  Resist the game playing that “The Rules” and “He’s Just Not That Into You” have spawned.”

Keep me posted!  K



This girl has to be careful about the intentions of this guy. he may be pretending to feel happy with this 2 dates, but Do you know really if what he is lookinf for is just sex? try to find out and be careful dear.

Always ask a more experience woman (a friend if you like) and find out what is the best way to conduct yourself in a new relationship.

Just follow what your heart tells you to do and you’ll do fine.

It is always easy to say but the reality is always different.

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