A few weeks ago, there was a short article in the New York Times’ Style section called “I’m not real, but neither are you.” It was about a new dating site (sort of) called cloudgirlfriend.com The site helps you build a fantasy profile, complete with photos they provide (which were rather spooky— the women’s ones were all gorgeous, young, and with huge unworldly photo shopped eyes), then matches you with other fantasy profiles. I joined (not without trepidation) and was immediately sent matches to scroll through. In the first ten, three of the photos were exactly the same, though the written material was different, which was pretty eerie.
Anyway, the premise is to allow someone to build a fantasy self, similar to people joining Second Life, then meet others in cyberspace doing the exact same thing. It’s a fabulous idea, melding dating sites with fantasy, having the fantasy be open and above board . Interestingly, quite a number of folks who have met on Second Life have met up in real life and gone on to form real relationships and even marriages. In the documentary I was a consultant for “When Strangers Click,” the last story was about such a couple. Click here to see a film clip.
This kind of site has a blatant acknowledgement that the individual presentations are not “real.” There is an up-front agreement between members that nothing in the profiles should be taken as “true.” The fantasy characters (as in Second Life) do have some aspects of “truth” to them, though: fantasy allows members to express parts of themselves that otherwise are hidden or negated by “true circumstances” like physical appearances.
I’d like to see this idea taken a step beyond. I regularly work with singles who really worry about being recognized on dating sites. Usually these folks are not married, not worrying about being found out. They tend to be prominent people in their communities who would be easily recognized. They feel both exposed in a private matter, and are concerned that it would seem rather unseemly for someone in their position to be on a dating site.
A dating site built on the premise of fantasy profiles, that everyone going in KNOWS that the picture is not “real,” but that there would be a blend of reality from the written words, could be of real service to these folks. As well, a fantasy photo that is “me, though better,” would cut through the 90% of us who are not the 10’s getting all the attention.
Of course, you should always be honest. In every form that I get this question (Is it okay to lie about my age? I can’t imagine telling him/her about xyz. I’m really just interested in an affair, but women don’t respond unless I say I am interested in a long term relationship.), I always recommend telling the truth.
For one thing, it is easier. There is not so much to remember if you are telling the truth. And truth builds trust, no matter how uncomfortable the truth is. In relationships, trust is of utmost importance.
People don’t like being tricked. Lying or evading the truth is always self-serving. It’s about preserving your own pride, or getting something you want when you don’t deserve it. It’s about manipulating another person for your own gratification.
Rep. Anthony Weiner is the latest example of how telling the truth works much better than evading. His Twitter transgressions would have drawn far less fire if he had just told the truth, rather than squirming in the limelight. Folks are angrier and more dismayed by the lies than his actual transgressions.
Now, it is true that lying could get you more and “better” responses. Putting up a super model’s picture (also a form of lying) would, too. But the question is: how long would you be able to keep up the pretense? A first meeting or a Skype call would prove you out a liar with the super model’s picture. If it is a secret that isn’t apparent at first meeting, like if you are married and pretending to be single, it’s probably just a matter of time before you are found out. Being seen as a liar as well as what you are trying to hide is pretty bad. The “better responses” will head for the hills, if they truly are better.
Telling the truth will probably win you points. Let’s say you are HIV positive. Stating that up front, with the willingness to take appropriate precautions, shows maturity and strength. Chapter 13 in my book “Find a Sweetheart Soon!” takes the reader step by step through a process for truth telling.
If you ARE looking for something you feel you have to lie about (like wanting an extra-marital affair), there are even sites where you can be completely honest about that, like AshleyMadison.com. Of course, you’ll be lying to your spouse (unless you have a so-called “open relationship”). There are also sites for people with sexually transmitted diseases, disabilities, out-of-the-mainstream sexual practices, and many more. Why not search those out and tell the truth?
Now, it occurs to me that this question “How honest should I be about what I am looking for?” could also be “How realistic should I be about what I am looking for?” which is another great – and entirely different – question. I’ll add that to my SAQ list and answer it next time.
Who is marrying whom?
I’ve had a clipping from the New York Times sitting on my desk for months now, yellowing. It is too good to throw away, but too complicated for me to summarize in any meaningful way. So I am going to put a link here and hope it stays active so that you can see it too.
The graph presents census data on interracial and interethnic marriages, spelling out graphically who is doing what to whom, or at least marrying. Regardless of what individuals say (indicating openness to matches with other racial or ethnic groups), more than 91% marry the same as they are. That almost 9% who cross racial and ethnic lines is more than double that of 30 years ago. And the accompanying artcle suggests that we are heading for more and more loosening.
According to the graph, white men (5.3%) and women (4.4%) “marry out” at the lowest rate, while American Indians “marry out” at the highest rates, around 55% for both genders.
But take a look at the graph. You’ll find it very interesting, I’ll bet.
Fear of rejection is right at the top of the list for most singles contemplating a search for love. It’s easy to understand, because looking for love feels very personal and a “No, thanks,” whether spoken, written, or inferred seems like a rejection of one’s vulnerable essence.
However, in modern Internet-aided dating, “no’s” can actually be good news. One of the biggest problems on dating sites is sorting through the multitudes of potential candidates. While lots of profiles increase your chances of getting just what you are looking for, it takes a tremendous amount of time studying what is being offered, writing that critical first email, then, if accepted, building an email relationship, then to the phone or Skype, and onto that first coffee date…which could easily be a big disappointment. And time is something singles do not want to waste. All you get is older, which is not a good thing in the dating market.
So this is where the advantage of rejection comes in: if who you could be interested in is not interested in you (for whatever reason, you likely never will know), you want to know, and you want to know soon. You do not want to waste time. Anyone who does not have the guts to say no to you when they are really not interested and knows it are wasting your precious time. The sooner you know, the sooner you can go on to the next most likely candidate.
As well, rejections help you refine your search. You’ll be presented with so many profiles, all of which will look equally likely to say “yes” to you. But that is not true. Most will NOT say yes to you. Most will say “No.” Either they will not want what you have to offer, they are already occupied, or they are taking a break and are asleep at their computer. You’ll never know. You may be overestimating what you have to offer and contacting people out of your league. Those “no’s,” if you pay attention, will help you refine and adjust your searching until you start getting “yes’s.”
But you do have to pay attention. One guy I was working with kept contacting women 20 years younger than he was, all gorgeous. And he got no replies, at all. But he kept up the same kind of search, with the same results. Plus he had me telling him of the need to change, to go older with the ages and start looking at women in the mid ranges of looks. His results (nothing) indicated that he would rather keep his fantasy of a young, beautiful woman rather than to adjust to the reality of what was actually possible for him to attract (he did have some very attractive qualities) and have some real women to date.
Here’s a graphic that Illustrates what I am saying:
All the white area inside the blue box represents all the singles on your dating site. It really should be bigger, because those who you will be interested in are only a small percentage of the total number. Anyway: the white area represents those who you are not interested in and who are not interested in you. You’ll never have to deal with them, because you won’t contact them, and they won’t contact you.
The blue circle is everyone you are interested in enough to contact. The pink circle is everyone who is interested enough in you to get in touch or respond to your emails. The overlapping part is the treasure chest, the part that is really important. You like them, they like you. Notice the largest part of each of the big circles do not match up: those are rejections waiting to happen. You need to know if the people you are interested in are interested in you or not. And you need to tell those who contact you if you are not interested. Then both of you can invest your time where you will have the most chance of success: those who interest you who are interested back.
Learn to welcome those rejections. Each one means that you did something, took a risk and made a contact. Yea! Several or more rejections of a similar type (like my guy who kept after those young babes) are valuable information that will help you refine your search. If you pay attention, learn the lessons, and make changes in your search, you’ll get better results. And at some point, the win of your life!
Fear of rejection is right at the top of the list for most singles contemplating a search for love. It’s easy to understand, because looking for love feels very personal and a “No, thanks,” whether spoken, written, or inferred seems like a rejection of one’s vulnerable essence.
However, in modern Internet-aided dating, “no’s” can actually be good news. One of the biggest problems on dating sites is sorting through the multitudes of potential candidates. While lots of profiles increase your chances of getting just what you are looking for, it takes a tremendous amount of time studying what is being offered, writing that critical first email, then, if accepted, building an email relationship, then to the phone or Skype, and onto that first coffee date…which could easily be a big disappointment. And time is something singles do not want to waste. All you get is older, which is not a good thing in the dating market.
So this is where the advantage of rejection comes in: if who you could be interested in is not interested in you (for whatever reason, you likely never will know), you want to know, and you want to know soon. You do not want to waste time. Anyone who does not have the guts to say no to you when they are really not interested and knows it are wasting your precious time. The sooner you know, the sooner you can go on to the next most likely candidate.
As well, rejections help you refine your search. You’ll be presented with so many profiles, all of which will look equally likely to say “yes” to you. But that is not true. Most will NOT say yes to you. Most will say “No.” Either they will not want what you have to offer, they are already occupied, or they are taking a break and are asleep at their computer. You’ll never know. You may be overestimating what you have to offer and contacting people out of your league. Those “no’s,” if you pay attention, will help you refine and adjust your searching until you start getting “yes’s.”
But you do have to pay attention. One guy I was working with kept contacting women 20 years younger than he was, all gorgeous. And he got no replies, at all. But he kept up the same kind of search, with the same results. Plus he had me telling him of the need to change, to go older with the ages and start looking at women in the mid ranges of looks. His results (nothing) indicated that he would rather keep his fantasy of a young, beautiful woman rather than to adjust to the reality of what was actually possible for him to attract (he did have some very attractive qualities) and have some real women to date.
Here’s a graphic that Illustrates what I am saying:
All the white area inside the blue box represents all the singles on your dating site. It really should be bigger, because those who you will be interested in are only a small percentage of the total number. Anyway: the white area represents those who you are not interested in and who are not interested in you. You’ll never have to deal with them, because you won’t contact them, and they won’t contact you.
The blue circle is everyone you are interested in enough to contact. The pink circle is everyone who is interested enough in you to get in touch or respond to your emails. The overlapping part is the treasure chest, the part that is really important. You like them, they like you. Notice the largest part of each of the big circles do not match up: those are rejections waiting to happen. You need to know if the people you are interested in are interested in you or not. And you need to tell those who contact you if you are not interested. Then both of you can invest your time where you will have the most chance of success: those who interest you who are interested back.
Learn to welcome those rejections. Each one means that you did something, took a risk and made a contact. Yea! Several or more rejections of a similar type (like my guy who kept after those young babes) are valuable information that will help you refine your search. If you pay attention, learn the lessons, and make changes in your search, you’ll get better results. And at some point, the win of your life!
Why would it be okay to lie to someone you haven’t met but might like to marry? What kind of a start is that?
The Internet in general and dating sites in particular seem made for reinventing yourself in whatever colorful way you would like. It’s possible to be pretty much anonymous and hide behind your computer screen, though law enforcement as well as individuals has gotten better and better at breaking through that anonymity and finding the persons behind the screens. So don’t count on not being found out if you engage in bad or dishonest behavior.
Beyond getting found out, your Internet dating profile and all your communications with potential sweethearts form the foundation of what might be a life-long relationship. These kind of relationships thrive on trust and can be destroyed by lies. If you want a relationship that is strong and a partner that is honest, then do you part and behave in an honest and trustworthy fashion.
Of course, the converse would be also true: acting dishonestly would imply that you don’t care about a solid, trusting relationship, and your behavior shows that.
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