Kathryn's Blog

Cyber Lotharios

I wrote the article below about Cyber Lotharios several years ago.  If it sounds like I know what I am talking about, I do: I ran into one when I was Internet dating myself.  Unfortunately, these guys are showing up more and more on online dating sites.  Just like crooks figured out how to use the telephone for nefarious purposes after it was invented (or any new technology, for that matter), so shysters are learning how to leverage the Net.  Probably you, like me, get scads of emails from Nigerians who need you to help them claim their “inheritance.”

The Cyber Lothario though is much more sophisticated.  He looks and sounds just like you and me: He speaks and writes excellent English, at least the seductive sort.  And he is super smooth. 

It’s pretty easy to detect a Nigerian scam.  But quite a bit harder with these guys. 

Unfortunately, I was inspired to dig out this article because one of my clients is currently being scammed.  She and I worked together briefly last spring, but because of her tight finances, we hadn’t talked in quite awhile.  She did email me and let me know that she had met a “wonderful guy” and was deeply in love.

However, she started getting suspicious, and we have talked several times as she has struggled to sort out the real truth.  I emailed her this article a couple of days ago, and she says it describes him perfectly.

So in the interest of the safety of us all, here’s how to tell if a Syber Lothario is out to hook you:

The Cyber Lothario

Are you writing to someone who is romancing you off your feet?  Does this guy seem to know just what to say or write that gets you a step or two further down the garden path? 

Perhaps more dangerous than the notorious Internet rapists and murderers are the Cyber Lotharios.  Maybe you know one. Smooth as silk.  Seduction is his native language.

More dangerous, because these guys (well, maybe there are girls too, but I am more familiar with the guys) are GOOD. 

These guys are the Internet equivalent of a Bill Clinton, if Bill Clinton hadn’t gotten caught.  They are the cyber version of handsome—they write beautifully, know just what you want to hear and tell you.  They POUR it on, and for a thirsty woman, it is nectar from the Gods.

These fellows post on dating sites indefinitely, waiting for the unsuspecting newbie to the dating site.  You might contact him, he might contact you, but like a used car salesman, he knows a pigeon when he sees one.

Then slowly, softly, but determinablely, he has his way with you.

How do you tell if you have one of these guys on the wire?  What if he is a really nice guy, really meaning every word he says?

Well, one thing would be if you find yourself agreeing to things that you never would if you were in your right mind.  Particularly if that has to do with sex.  Or maybe money.

These guys make manipulation feel like a warm bath.  You just slide right in and it feels delicious.

But there is a certain vagueness, particularly about past relationships, and perhaps about future plans.  They may also be vague about grounding their identity in reality: Perhaps you can only reach them on their cell phone.  They avoid introducing you to real family and friends.  Their relationship with you is kept away from their real life, in motels, your home territory and not theirs.  These guys may reassure, they always have a good story, but they also will leave themselves a way out.

How can you tell?

Well, one thing you can do is ask for a relationship history.  Then pay attention to how he responds, as well as what he actually says. 

Does he groan and moan about doing the job?  Is he grudging in what he tells you?  Or is he open and serious, understanding what you are asking and why? 

Does he seem to have trouble remembering his own history, what her name was, what order the different relationships came in?  Is he reluctant to divulge, or does he sound like he is fudging? 

Does he seem to be moving you fast towards a romantic getaway?  Maybe he makes plans for the two of you to meet, and reserves only one room.  Is he heavily sexually suggestive and titillating?  Does he ask questions like “What kind of lingerie are you wearing?”

Even though a new and legitimate relationship can be highly sexually charged, a guy who is seriously interested in you and a possible future with you will be protective and understanding of you and your feelings. 

Look for information that ties him to a real place and a real life.  Where does he work?  Call him at his workplace.  Ask to meet his family and friends.

If you feel antsy, pay attention.  If your hormones may be doing your thinking, put on the brakes and engage your critical brain. Better to let this dangerous Clark Gable type swim away than to be left flat and busted.

From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord



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