Ten Best Ways to Blow Your First Date
Want to find out how you can blow it before you get started? Believe me, none of these are new under the sun…
Ten Best Ways to Blow Your First Date By Kathryn Lord
1. Don’t look like your picture.
It’s fairly common that people use old pictures when they were
thinner or had more hair.
You could post a photo of someone else: your daughter (folks
always say you could be twins, right?), a model you plucked from
an online site (Hey, didn’t you say always wanted to be a
model?), or your “sort of” twin brother. Non-identical.
2. Don’t make any special effort to present yourself well.
Sometimes folks dress for a first meeting the way they would for
a Saturday night at home, rationalizing it that they want to
appear “real” and be liked for the way that they are.
Maybe it is a kindness to show, right up front, what your date’s
Saturday nights would be like if they were to marry you.
3. Be late.
Nothing says you care less than not to be prompt. While being
early might give you the advantage of being able to see you date
before he/she sees you, being late implies you are too important
to be polite.
4. Forget your wallet.
Male or female, the “I forgot my wallet” schtick is the fastest
route to being labeled cheap.
If you are a guy and this is a coffee date, springing for both
cups is a bargain rate way to look good.
And ladies, men notice if you offer to pay, even if they insist
on opening their wallet for your latte.
5. Plunk your cell phone down on the table between the two of
you, leave it on, and answer every call, taking as long as you
want with each while ignoring your date.
Cell phones are the best excuse for blanket rudeness that has
been invented. They have no place on a date, except as a safety
mechanism.
6. Brag.
My old grandma used to say “Don’t brag,” and when you are on a
date, she was—and is—so right.
However, if you can’t resist, talk about the price you paid for
your car, flash your Rolex, and prop your implants on the table.
Tell how important you are at work and how many men or women are
dropping at your feet. And see how your date reacts. If they
are still at the table.
7. Complain.
Whine. Grouse. Say how no one listens you and you are looking
for someone who will.
Go on and on about your health problems or better yet, your
dietary wierdnesses. Then notice that your date is in such a
rotten mood, whine about that, and chalk this date to yet another
one of those horrid experiences.
8. Be rude. To your date, and to everyone around you.
Talk down to the wait person and don’t leave a tip. Complain to
the management about the poor service. Ask your date what the
last STD they had was or whether they are still fertile.
If you must, really pull out the stops and get all your orifices
going: burp, pass gas, scratch scabs, pick your nose or blow it
on your hand.
9. Try to get sexy.
Tell your date that she is turning you on and you want to see her
naked. Move in too close too fast, hugging, touching or kissing,
despite what your date is signaling.
Grab his butt when you meet. Wear clothes that are too short,
too tight, and in general too slutty. Talk sexy and do it loud.
10. Tell dirty, racist, or just plain poor taste stories.
You know that you are funny, especially after you have a couple
of drinks. If it is a coffee date, then stop off for a couple of
quick ones before you get there.
You know that men (or women) like a good sexy joke, so fire away.
And most people think that racist or bathroom stories are
hilarious, so your date should too. After all, you want a
partner who can take a joke, don’t you?
