If you are hooked on “Hooking Up” and want a recap, or heaven forbid, you missed the show, here’s a link to a summary of what happened on #2 (7/22/2005)
“Hooking Up, Episode 2: If These Shoes Could Talk” By Jill Jones
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Sometimes, it’s a pretty slow day in the newsroom, and the reporters have to huff and puff to get a headline. Here’s a good example of the old media adage “If it bleeds, it leads.” In this piece that looks as if it was written for TV, the reporter talks to one Internet dater who said “dishonest online daters forced her to go back to more old fashioned methods to meet men.” Cut to the local sheriff who says “...it’s a very dangerous thing to do and we advice people not to do it.” Then to a local cybercafe for a bit more positive message.
Gawd, what a superficial piece. But an excellent example of cranked up media hysteria meant to frighten.
Here in Mississippi, slow days in the press room are all too regular. I hear on the local TV stations one promo after the other about potholes, cockroaches, and the like, all with the tagline “Who’s accountable! Find out tonight on—- News!” They can make a Tootsie Roll sound like a lethal weapon. Internet dating is an easy target. It’s new, popular, and anxiety-provoking. Remember that lying, dating deception, date rape, and domestic violence were not born on the Internet. All of those have been around since men and women got up onto two feet. So don’t be taken in by the hype. The media is selling newspapers and Fix-o-dent. They need to get your attention, and fear is one of the best ways they’ve come up with yet.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Smooth Operators Have Refined Their Act
Do you get loads of spam in your email box like I do? At least half of the emails I get are appeals from a Nigerian princess or ads for Viagra. I’ve learned to recognize that kind of spam on sight. But these scammers learn fast. Here’s an article from MSNBC that highlights a much more subtle twist on the email spam, especially designed to dupe those looking for love online. It seems that scammers haunt dating sites and chat rooms, spend months building trust with unsuspecting singles, then start asking for help complicated financial dealings that the recipient doesn’t question. Then, because the would business is crooked, the duped get stuck with a bill. EVERY online dater should read this article.
This is all right in line with the posting I made a couple of days ago: Neither a Borrower or Lender Be Let’s add: Never get involved in any kind of financial dealings with someone you have never met.
The MSNBC article points to a great resource, a for those who have been scammed: Here’s the description for that group:
Are you wondering if the person that you are talking to is too good to be true? Are there things that you are being told that just don’t make sense? Did the person find you on a singles site and start professing their love for you in a short time? Did they tell you that they were currently working in a foreign country, mainly Nigeria? Are they telling you that they are having trouble cashing their paychecks? If you can answer yes to any of these questions, you need to be a part of this group.
I just scanned a few of the over 1000 postings, and this is a valuable source of information. Go visit, read what the contributors have to say, and bookmark this site for future reference. You may need it.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Kathryn’s Take on Hooking Up Episode #3
For the life of me, I can’t see why “Hooking Up” spends so much camera time on Amy. Watching her dating machinations makes me writhe with embarrassment for her. But I do suppose, in “Hooking Up”‘s defense, that she provided the best and most extensive material. That in itself is a depressing thought. However…
I read somewhere that Amy’s screen name on whatever dating site she used was something like “HedonistVenus.” If so, that explains a lot. This show’s Dave and the first episode’s Chris are so clearly players, yet Amy works like crazy with Dave to force his square peg into ... oh dear. That metaphor is too close to the truth. Sorry. “HedonistVenus” is a TERRIBLE screen name, unless you happen to be a hooker. Any kind of overtly sexual language in a woman’s profile stands out like a beacon to guys. That’s what she has gotten in Dave and Chris. They heard the “Come here and get sex” message loud and clear. And Amy delivered. At least, once with each of them.
But…there’s hope for Amy. Somehow she gets a date with Matt (or is it Scott?) who seems decidedly un-playerish. A little ginky and awkward, he sweetly sings “Oh Holy Night” at Amy’s demand and says that his mother said the best thing a man can do for his children is love their mother. Amy rightly is agog that this 28 year old has that kind of insight and says he is “Marriage material.” Maybe, just maybe, despite her best efforts, Amy may have found a keeper. Unless she kills it with her “HedonistVenus” number.
Maryam. This woman is a basket case. She gives out such mixed messages that it’s a wonder she doesn’t drive the men off screaming and tearing their hair out. She’s probably drunk again. Even though she keeps up a running negative commentary to the camera about Sam while she is out with him, she lets him come home and get in bed with her, all the while sending out graphically clear “Go away” messages, which to his credit, he pays attention to. Please, “Hooking Up” editors: No more Maryam. Watching this woman is too much.
Kelly. Her date Chris’s boat and car made a big hit with Kelly, and she essentially tells him so. She feels like Cinderella. She asides to the camera “I think we may get married.” Not so fast, Kelly. This guy too is a player, it seems, though better at it and with more toys than Amy’s Dave and Chris. Sure enough, when Kelly starts moving in closer, Chris gets antsy and backs off, saying he felt pushed. Well, when you dangle the bait that Chris did (ie money), women bite. It wasn’t clear if they had sex. but I wouldn’t be surprised.
Reisha. Now she’s a breath of fresh air. Screen name VentureHeart, and Reisha says she is saving herself for marriage. Her first date took he on an elaborate picnic in Central Park. What a deal! But Reisha says “no chemistry,” and goes on to meet Acie from Atlanta with whom she has been corresponding for a couple of months. Acie and Reisha look good together, and he seems to have the maturity to wait out the celibacy restrictions. I’ll be interested to see how this pairing goes. It’s long distance, so that’s an added factor.
Lessons from Episode Three: We are seeing decided mismatches between the women who say they want long term relationships and the guys they attract, particularly Amy and Kelly. I don’t know what Maryam used for her profile photo, but the one in the show’s publicity is far too sexual. I think that Kelly’s profile had pictures of her in a bikini, which of course is also a flagrantly sexual message, as is Amy’s “HedonistVenus.” The problems likely are in these women’s profiles and online presentations. Be careful to construct your profiles to give the message and get the attention you really want.
Note: We haven’t seen Lisa from the first episode again, and I suspect we won’t. There are still five women we haven’t met yet, so there’s a lot to cover in the last two episodes. Do you feel like I do that you’d like six month updates on these women? I’d love to know the ends of the stories. If there are ones.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
“Hooking Up” is on Tonight!
Thursday, July 28, at 9PM Eastern.
I’m watching—are you? Don’t forget to tune in, and check here tomorrow for my take on what happens.
And here’s a nice, chatty, and funny column about the show so far, from a West Coast perspective.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Neither a Borrower or Lender Be
Sometimes when I am home alone (I have a home office, and during the work week, sometimes I see only the cats and maybe the UPS driver), I turn on the TV just for the noise. The most consistent background noise are the court shows, and there are zillions. When I actually watch, I see case after case involved lent or borrowed money that hasn’t been paid back.
The worst Internet dating stories (apart from the rape and murder ones that the media splash all over everywhere) involve money. Here’s a story about Patrick Giblin who supposedly bilked money from 70 women he met online. He preyed on the lonely and vulnerable, and that sure describes a lot of Internet daters.
Be absolutely suspicious of ANY requests for money from your online dates. “Neither a borrower or lender be” will keep your name out of the newspaper and off the court TV shows. While I don’t mind a bit of fame, that’s not the way I want to get it, and I suspect, neither do you.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
What’s NOT on “Hooking Up”
I have to admit that I have been so excited that ABC’s “Hooking Up” was happening at all that I hadn’t noticed a few important details. Billed as going “inside the unpredictable world of online dating,” the Internet and dating sites play an almost invisible role in the show. Once in awhile we see a computer screen flash by, but the dating sites are never identified, nor is the online dating process described or explained. What we do see is the women—and men—who we are led to assume met over the Net—struggle through their first and sometimes more dates with hitherto strangers.
Of course, that’s more interesting television. Watching women yearn, go on dates, eat sushi, stumble, act like female versions of cads, and get too sexy too soon is a lot more fun than reading hundreds of profiles over their shoulders and writing endless emails in attempts to get to know their prospective dates. Supposedly, the show filmed more than 1100 hours of tape in preparation. Makes you wonder what’s on the cutting room floor.
Still, there’s plenty to be learned from this show, and that’s how I’m treating the experience. Seldom do we see real live men and women try—and fail, despite their best efforts—to find love. And seldom do we get to see ourselves in their trials. Whatever the shortcomings in “Hooking Up,” there are lessons to be learned.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
PS “Hooking Up” is on again this Thursday at 9pm Eastern. Watch it and see what I have to say right here the next day.
Top Complaints in Inches and Pounds
Here’s something I hear all the time from my women Romance clients: “All the men want SKINNY women!” And indeed, my male clients do want trim, slim, or “takes care of self” which means the same thing. Here’s another complaint: “All the men lie about their height.”
When you are specifying what you are looking for in your online dating profile, it’s good to be clear and ask for what you want. But keep in mind who and how many you are EXCLUDING with your parameters. As best as I can find out, the average American woman is 5’ 4” and 152 pounds. Though dress sizes fluctuate and are frankly expanding (size 8’s are not what they used to be), the average dress size is around a 14. That means half of these women are that height or taller and half are shorter, half are that weight or heavier and half are smaller. And a size 14 is not slim, though the woman may be trim and quite attractive.
And ladies, less than 15% of men are 6 feet tall or more. Do you really want to cut out 85% of your prospects right of the bat, even if you like feeling little next to a big guy? American men average between 5’ 8” - 5’ 9”. So 50% are about 5’ 8.5” tall or SHORTER. That’s a lot of guys, and a good percentage of them are NICE. Many of these vertically “challenged” know you are looking for taller than you, so they fudge a little. Just like women tend to do on their weight and age.
While we do have some control over weight, research is finding that we don’t have as much control of that as we would like to think. Relative body size has a lot to do with genetics. We have little if any control over how tall we are. So be aware that what we have been conditioned to want (tall, dark, and handsome, let’s say) may make us overlook some other very good mate candidates.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
We Love Fan Letters!
What a lovely letter dropped in my email box last week! Here’s an email from a reader named Sheila. We’ve never talked, I don’t think, but Sheila has obviously been reading my newsletter *eMAIL to eMATE* very carefully. Below is Sheila’s note, in its entirety, only slightly edited for readability. I underlined the last paragraph for good reason: Sheila makes a tremendously good point. And it’s good advice for men AND women.
I just want to seize this opportunity to support the sage advice in your newsletter.
Succinctly stated, I began dating (Mostly via online connections) in 2002, after 3 years of being “single again.” Being almost 50, I figured that life experience had given me some of those “weeding skills” which you mention. So, the conversations began.
Suffice it to say that I waded through a lot of nice (but not Him) guys as well as quite a few turkeys. By the time I discovered your newsletter in spring of 2004 I had pretty much decided that it would take a rare exception of a man for me to consider actually going out with a divorced fella. I hated coming to this conclusion, being divorced myself… it seemed rather unfair. But frankly, the only guys who seemed to possess any real relationship skills and maturity were the few widowers I had met along the way.
After a while, I began to despair of ever finding Mr. Right. A major ! move from a very rural area to an urban one kept me busy and totally uninterested in dating for a few months.
Then one day, voila, there in my Match.com mailbox appeared a letter from a nice, stable sounding widower who lived across town from me. At first, I didn’t respond to his mail… pondering if I even wanted to get back into dating. Then I asked myself “Why not?” After a year of dating, we are now a very happy and compatible couple.
My words of advice to women of all ages, were I asked, would be: “Stay away from the playboys, the desperately needy, the co-dependent.” No matter how charming they may be, no matter how strongly they appeal to your nurturing nature, do NOT get involved with them. They are NOT “happily ever after” material! They will never become what you want/need them to be. That old adage about people not changing for love definitely applies. If he is not already the kind of man you need and deserve!, then HE NEVER WILL BE!
And yes, take second (and third, fourth, etc…) looks at those guys who seem rather ordinary and nerdy. I have found that Mr Stability and Sanity is very often the most capable of thoughtfulness and tenderness as well.
Sincerely, Sheila
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Romancing WalMart’s
A number of times, singles have asked me “Isn’t Internet dating like shopping at WalMart’s?”
Heck no! It’s more like shopping at a huge mall, the Mall of America outside Minneapolis, maybe. I’ve never been there myself, but isn’t it the biggest shopping mall in the world?
That’s what online mate searching is more like: It’s the world’s biggest marketplace for singles. And it’s not just one store, like WalMart’s (with its implications of cheap, mediocre products), but a collection of all the varieties of potential mates that you can imagine, from the worst candidates to the very best. Just like a mall with a Dollar Store, WalMart’s, Filene’s, and Nordstrom’s, TJ Maxx, Tiffany’s, and Godiva Chocolates, all under one roof.
I read an article on July 16 that seemed to say WalMart’s was taking “Isn’t Internet dating like shopping at WalMart’s?” seriously.
In June, the WalMart’s in Roanoke, VA, started a weekly matchmaking event called “Singles Shopping.” Patterned after similar successful ventures in WalMart’s stores in Germany, WalMart’s even trademarked the label “Singles Shopping.” Held from 6-9pm Friday evenings, the Singles Shopping” doubled as both a “Meet and Greet” and a fund-raiser, asking for $1 donations to the Children’s’ Miracle Network. As many as 200-300 show up for the events, and reportedly, at least 30 German couples who met at WalMart singles events there have married.
Sounds like a winner all around, doesn’t it?
Just one week later, the Roanoke Times reports the sudden demise of WalMart “Singles Shopping.” A rather tight-lipped WalMart spokesperson said that no other singles events were planned in America, though the chain is holding similar events in Germany, South Korea, Puerto Rica, and the United Kingdom.
While we can only speculate, because WalMart’s is not saying, we wonder if the ending of such events came from the publicity generated and the resulting Jay Leno jokes?
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Addendum to Blog Editing Policy #1
At the request of the author, I removed two postings by Zenith that were in the comments section of “Hooking Up”‘s Lisa Gets Booted from the Army??? Since these are the kind of comments that I was referring to in my entry Blog Editing Policy #1, I would be more than happy to delete any other comments at the requests of the writers. However, I do not know how to identify “Anonymous” postings, so I guess those are there to stay. That’s why it’s a good idea to identify your writings in some way, with a screen name at least. The “Anonymous” postings are confusing, because the reader can’t tell if it is one or a hundred different authors, or tell who wrote what.
Best, Kathryn Lord
The New York Times ran an article recently about a study done by three economists on the experiences of Internet daters. What did they find? Surprise! The most important variable was looks. And posting a photo got women twice as many emails.
Following an all too human tendency to overrate ourselves, only 1% reported being “Less than average” in the looks department, which of course is impossible: Need I point out that 50% would be average and above, and 50% average and below? Women reported themselves substantially less that the national averages on weight.
Men who reported incomes of greater than $250,000 got 156% more emails than the relative poor who made under $50,000. And guys who stated they were interested in a “Long term relationship” got a lot more email than those who said they were “Just curious.” The worst thing a guy can say is that he is “Seeking a casual relationship.” Those guys got 42% less emails. Now, if a woman said the same, she got 17% MORE. I wonder why?
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Kathryn Says Her Piece On “Hooking Up” Episode #2
Okay, y’all, what did you think of “Hooking Up” episode #2? I am already worrying about what I am going to do on Thursday nights when this series is over in three weeks.
Here are my thoughts on the July 21 show:
Cynthia was less caustic on her sexy dancing date with new date Nathan. The date did not disintegrate into the bickering we had seen before, thank goodness, and I didn’t notice her labeling it “another bad date.” She did focus a bit too much, I thought, about his being younger than her. But then she hops in the taxi at the end of the date and proceeds to set up a “booty call” (ie go off to have sex with someone else). Does that seem odd to anyone but me?
Lesson: Dancing lessons are a great date idea! So sexy, and any guy willing to put himself in that position disserves lots of points. And a more positive attitude in Cynthia pays off. But what’s this “booty call” business, and what does that have to say about looking for a mate?
Maryam—now here’s a sad story. The episode shows her with two first dates. In the first, she complains that the guy does not look like his picture. The show puts his profile picture up next to his current look, and while he looks as if he put on a few pounds (his cheeks are not as chiseled as in the photo), he does appear to be the same guy. Maryam is a professional photographer, and the guy has to go on and explain to her about lighting. His photo was clearly professional, and Maryam should have known that reality might not match the digital. Then in an aside, the guy complains about her photo and reality, saying something about her looking sexier or more sensual in the photo.
In date #1 with guy #2, Maryam asks him if people think he is gay. Then says “I feel like the man in this relationship.” And more on this line. These are very strange statements on a first date. Then she takes him home and they SLEEP together, though it is unclear if they have sex. This is very strange date behavior.
And did anyone besides me think that Maryam might have been drunk on both dates? While the camera did not trace her drinking at all, her behavior looked definitely impaired by some kind of substance.
Lessons: 1. Reality and the photo often do not match. Be prepared for that possibility. And don’t post a photo that would make you out to be a liar on the first date. 2. Watch alcohol and drug consumption carefully. All your senses need to be fully engaged so that you can do your part in helping the date go well and absorb the details of what you date is presenting you with.
Amy—oh Amy! Hot to trot with gambler Chris—and she has sex with him the first time at her sister’s house??? Then Sis doesn’t like him, Chris starts to get on Amy’s nerves (though it is unclear how), and she dumps him. Then on to next date David. By the third date with Dave, she says he’s not going to “get lucky” that night, but after the date, she complains that she doesn’t know him and “Maybe if I sleep with him I’ll get to know the real him.”
Lesson: Stay with what you know. Amy seems way out of her league. Her small town origins are showing, both in her push to get married soon (she says she is old by her home town standards to still be single) and her ability to protect herself. She seems like a sitting duck.
Kelly’s dates with guy #2 Chris go pretty swimmingly, it appears. She does worry that she has heard he is older than his stated age (not clear what that was, but under 40), and indeed he does come clean, saying he is 40. She lets it go, but Chris has lots on his side, including a very big boat that they go out on the first date and a Hummer that Kelly gets sort of tricked by Chris into washing. In a bikini.
Lesson: Don’t lie, not ever, unless your boat and car will get you forgiven, and think twice about it even then. And watch that caddish behavior, no matter how many toys you have. Kelly, don’t let the glitz distract you from his character, which is showing.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Blog Editing Policy #1
I’ve been running this blog since February and have loved every minute of it. I particularly enjoy it when something I have written spurs readers to write back in “Comments” at the end of each posting. Keep it up, readers! The dialogue is great!
Since I wrote about ABC’s “Hooking Up” a week ago, the comment traffic has hit an all time high. However, my relatively few words about the Lisa character on “Hooking Up” has evolved into defenses and attacks of Lisa that are not in the tone that I would like to see perpetuated in this blog. See the comments attached to entries “Hooking Up”‘s Lisa Gets Booted from the Army??? and Kathryn Weighs in on “Hooking Up” .
I will leave up what is already posted in the comments sections so that you can get a flavor of what I am talking about, but if more postings come on that I judge are too vituperative, I will edit the comment out completely.
I don’t mind controversy. But I do want the tone of this blog and website to be informative, constructive, and of service to singles trying to find a mate. Attacks or defenses on either side that deteriorate to mud-slinging do not seem in line with my objectives.
As always, I welcome comments to this posting as well, keeping in mind what I wrote above.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
According to an article in ABC news by Buck Wolf, Jupiter Research reports that 12% of people registering with online dating sites are married. That’s a much lower percentage than I had heard rumored, so I am actually relieved.
Married folks thinking about trying online dating: Please do us all a favor and seek out the sites that are now springing up to cater to your needs: AshleyMadison.com’s slogan is “When Monogamy Meets Monotony.” And Philanderers.com will teach you how to hide what you are doing from your spouse.
Singles: It might pay for you to educate yourself on how such philanderers might hide what they are doing from YOU. Take a look at Philanderers.com’s collection of articles and see some of the techniques they suggest for keeping everyone in the figurative dark.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
SeniorFriendFinder Membership Jumps
SeniorFriendFinder.com reports that their membership has increased 476% since June 2001. Most dating sites had a big jump in membership after 9/11, when many singles suddenly realized their desire for family and permanence. SeniorFriendFinder does not restrict members by age, but most are in their 50’s, 60’s or 70’s. I’ve heard a variety of reports from clients and readers about SeniorFriendFinder, good and not so good. I’d love to hear from you if you have tried this site.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Did you know that Seniors comprise the fastest growing group of cyberdaters? About a million Americans 65 and older are now looking online for a date.
And dating sites love those folks who are over 55: A CBS News article quotes Ron Geraci of AARP—“Sites are quickly embracing the 55-plus category because A) There are so many of them, and B) They pay their bills.” Match.com says their senior membership has tripled in the last five years.
Match.com’s Shawn Henderson says: “In the seniors, they’re a lot more honest about their shape, their size, what they are interested in.”
Looks good to me!
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
“Hooking Up” Episode Summaries
If you are hooked on ABC’s “Hooking Up” or missed the first of five episodes that aired last Thursday, you’ll love the resource I just found: Jill Jones on RealityNewsOnline has written a character summary that will help you keep track of who is who, and then practically a frame by frame report of the first episode. Jill, like I did, gets frustrated with all the fast editing back and forth, so her show summary is all the more helpful for us all. And when you read the comments that my posting about the first show has generated, you’ll be glad that you have a reliable place to go to check what happened.
Jill makes a great point early in her first episode summary:
I had lunch recently at an Indian restaurant with a group of friends. While we were standing in line for the buffet, a woman who was eating Indian food for apparently the first time surveyed the buffet and then said to another diner, “I think I better look at the menu to see what else they serve.” Later on, I told my boyfriend that the same rules should apply to experiencing a new type of food and dating; don’t take one look at something (or someone) and dismiss it without trying it first. Immediately after making this comment, I thought of ABC’s new summer television program, Hooking Up. .... Just from their bios on the show’s web site, I get the feeling that many of these women have stood before the buffet, but left with an empty plate simply because of first impressions.
That reflects what I felt after the first show, too: These folks need to take a little TIME to get to know these perfectly nice other people. And unfortunately, Internet dating in its abundance encourages going on to the next person after the slightest error or insult. After all, Mr. or Ms. Next might be perfect, right? Wrong. No one is perfect. You included. Give your date a break and hope he/she gives you one, too. Unless you feel a clear-cut NO, try a second or third date before you say “Thanks, but no thanks.”
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Janice Bennett Adds Her Two Cents on “Hooking Up”
My Love Coach buddy Janice Bennett has been watching “Hooking Up,” too, and has some interesting opinions, not that different from mine. Take a look at her blog entry about the first episode. Then compare with what I had to say last Friday. And read the comments that have been posted to my entry, too.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Second Thoughts about Sugar Mama’s
I posted a short piece about Sugar Mama’s last month that has gotten a lot of visits (though no comments!), and the interest has gotten me thinking. What I didn’t address in that earlier piece was the cost of being taken care of by a Sugar Mama or Daddy. How many times have you learned that there is no free lunch? If you manage to con someone into taking care of what you should be taking care of yourself—basics like shelter, food and transportation—what will you have to give up in return? Self-respect? Control of your life? Remember, you’ll have to keep in good favor with your benefactor, because if you displease, likely there’s another Sugar Baby more than willing to take your place. Remember the adage: If you marry for money, you’ll earn every cent.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Love Stories
I love love stories, and I know my readers do, too. Here are some I have read lately:
These two thirty-something’s met on Match.com.
Here’s another story about more thirty-something’s. These two really took their time writing back and forth online, and didn’t even share pictures before they met.
eHarmony came through for Kenneth Jones. Kenneth got lucky when he widened his search beyond his home area of Austin and San Antonio. His Sweetie Bettie Harrell live in Florida. They are getting married August 13.
, two stories in the same article. And it contains a great idea: bribe your kids to help!
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Kathryn Weighs in on “Hooking Up”
Okay, what did you think about “Hooking Up”?
I think I am going to pass on critiquing the whole concept of the show, or the argument about whether or not this is really “news” and a documentary (the show is produced by Terry Wrong, a top ABC News documentary producer, under the aegis of ABC News). I’m just glad to see Internet dating getting major serious attention, even though there is a titillating edge aimed at gathering audience. And I wish there was more of a mix of the daters—like over age 40, let’s say. But maybe that’s a different series—Right, ABC News? I’m available to help—here’s my phone number: !
What I will comment on is the women and their dates, what they do and don’t do that furthers or undermines their efforts.
The biggie in episode #1: Lisa the gynecologist blows the best date of the lot—a handsome plastic surgeon who seems genuine and interested. How does she do it? She lies—about her profession, and even her name. She’d worried about being identified by her patients or sought out just because she is a doctor. When she fesses up, on the second date, it seems, her date backs way up. “That’s not what I learned in medical school,” he says. Whatever the reasoning, lying is NEVER a good idea. Don’t lie about anything!
Lesson: Even doctors can be dumb.
Next? The faulty reliance on chemistry. Claire gets hooked on steamy Josh and has some hot make-out scenes that distract her from a date with another pretty nice-seeming guy, who she rejects as too boring (after he orders vanilla ice cream) while fantasizing about Josh. Then Josh drops her with an abrupt email, citing “not enough chemistry.” A quick clip to Josh elicits some comments that sound like maybe there was actually too much chemistry for him—like, he backs off when things seem too attractive.
And sweet little Amy from North Dakota who is right out there about looking for a husband and kids, who does she fall for? A professional gambler! Yikes, Amy, RUN!
Lesson: glamorous, risky guys can generate chemistry, but not the kind that make good, long-relationships. More like a firecracker: Hot, sparklely, lots of noise, then… silence.
Then Cynthia: Yeowee! Get a grip, Cynthia! She is so edgy and critical and READY for a BAD date that she makes them bad. Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Lesson: Be positive, patient, non-critical, watch for depth, and don’t get distracted by the superficial details.
I can’t wait for the next episode.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
The New York Times Chimes In on “Hooking Up”
Here’s the latest:
“Real Women Seek Dates, Must Love Technology” by Virginia Heffernan
Link Up to “Hooking Up”
Articles are coming out thick and fast about “Hooking Up,“ABC’s documentary on Internet dating that starts tonight. Here are some links to what’s being written:
“Online and looking for love” in the Baltimore Sun.
“ABC’s ‘Hooking Up’ explores the world of online dating,” Wisconsin State Journal
“‘Hooking Up’ is worth a second date” The Boston Globe
“Hot for ‘Hooking Up’ “ and “Online gals seek guys who click” New York Daily News
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
I have tried and tried and tried to get an advance copy of this ABC documentary “Hooking Up” so that I could tell you more than a rehashed version of what others are writing, but I can’t.
Well, that is actually not so, because a very nice guy at ABC sent me a critic’s package with a CD to preview. But IT WOULDN’T LOAD ON MY DVD PLAYER! Ugh! So I am in the same position as you are: I have to watch it as shown, tonight at 9pm Eastern.
“Hooking Up” is a five part series, to be played over the next few weeks, and edited down from miles and miles of videotape. The filmmakers followed twelve Manhattan women over months through their online dating trials and tribulations. I am hoping for some successes here, too! So let’s all watch, and I want to hear what you have to say! Right here, in my comments section. Let’s review this, put in our $2 worth, okay?
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Online Dating Watch Interviews James Houran
If you have wondered about the personality profile testing done on some of the dating sites like eHarmony and PerfectMatch.com like I have, you’ll want to read Online Dating Watch’s interview of Dr. James Houran. Houran designed the testing used by True.com, and while I have my issues with True.com, I have always thought that True.com likely had the most valid testing.
BTW, I would never have thought that James Houran would be so cute! See his picture with the interview.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lore
I just came across this article, and it is so good that I am copying it in it’s entirety.
Millions of Seniors Use Online Dating Services
Dear Savvy Senior: Do you know much about senior dating services on the Internet? My two daughters have been urging me to try it, but I have some concerns. I am 59 years old, have been divorced for nine years and would like to meet some interesting new men, but the Internet seems a little strange. What can you tell me? - Single Senior
Dear Single: Online dating has become wildly popular among the Boomer and senior populations over the past few years. In fact, more than 16 percent of those active on the top-five dating sites are over age 55, and more than 5 percent are over age 65. Here’s what you should know:
Online dating: Not since high school or college will you find such a large number of potential dates and mates in one place. If you’re interested in dating again or, are just looking for a friend to spend time with, and have access to the Internet, online dating services can be a nice option. Here are some things to know.
* Convenience: You can meet hundreds of single people that tickle your fancy without ever leaving your home. Also, by exchanging e- mail you get to know each other slowly, without the awkwardness that comes with first dates. Most sites also offer instant messaging and chat rooms.
* Costs: Most online dating services allow you to create your own personal profile, post photos and search for compatible members for free. But, when you’re ready to start contacting people, you’ll have to become a member, which typically costs between $20 and $50 per month.
* Safety: When you sign up with a dating or matchmaking service, you remain anonymous. No one should ever get access to your full name, address, phone number or e-mail address until you decide to give it out at your own discretion. Be very prudent with giving out your personal information!
* Informative: Most sites offer personality profiles of their members that include things like photos, hobbies, interests, family history, political beliefs, dreams, goals and favorite activities so you can get to know members online before you decide whether or not you’d like to meet.
* Pictures Can Lie: Unfortunately, some people post photos that were taken many years ago, or that are extremely flattering and not very true-to-life. If you remember that they probably won’t look as good as their photo, you won’t be as disappointed.
* People Can Lie: In an effort to get more responses, or in some cases to deliberately mislead, some people lie in their profiles, so don’t believe everything you read. If they sound too good to be true, they probably are.
Senior dating sites
More and more online dating sites are recognizing the growing number of single Boomers and seniors who would love to find love and friendship with a suitable partner. Here are some top sites that specialize in senior matchmaking.
* SilverSingles.com: Owned by MatchNet, this is a great senior dating Web site with more than 8 million members worldwide.
* eHarmony.com: With more than 6 million users, eHarmony has been courting older singles by teaming up with ThirdAge (a Web site for Boomers) and attending last year’s AARP convention.
* SeniorFriendFinder.com: A senior dating site and part of the FriendFinder network. It draws upon a database of more than 2 million members.
* PrimeSingles.net: This site says it is for single men and women 40 and up, but the age group tends to be more in their late 50s and 60s.
* Match.com: While they don’t offer any special services just for seniors, Match.com is the world’s largest online dating service (for people of all ages), with more than 15 million members, many of whom are over age 55.
Send your senior questions to: Savvy Senior, P.O. Box 5443, Norman, OK 73070, or visit http://www.savvysenior.org. Jim Miller is a regular contributor to NBC’s “Today” show and author of “The Savvy Senior” book.
Source: Charleston Gazette, The
Helen Simon’s Ventures in Online Dating
I stumbled on these lovely columns (June 27, June 28, June 29) by Helen Simon in the Burlington Free Press. These kind of links to newspaper column tend to disappear with no notice or reason, so I can’t guarantee that the links will work. But give them a try if you’d like to read about a tentative as well as bold woman, a few pounds overweight, stepping into Internet dating. I thought that Helen’s experience was VERY typical, and good for new daters to understand. There are all kinds of people out there online, and some of them real pearls. You just have to keep looking.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Here’s an interesting perspective about singles’ satisfaction with Internet dating: Either they get frustrated or they get married. An article in the Mercury News Male Call described an informal survey: The columnist asked for responses from readers to a question about whether or not online dating was still worth the effort. The writers found that the responses fell roughly into two groups: 1. Disgruntled, or 2. Married.
Now isn’t that amazingly true? Either you have found what you are looking for—and are happy! Or you haven’t found your mate and are disappointed.
Think about it: Here you are, in the middle of probably THE most difficult process imagainable—finding the best person to spend your life with. All you need to find is one, THE one, but the numbers to wade through are huge! So unless you are brand new and still excited about the possibilities, or unless you have found your True Love and dropped out of the race, then likely you are pretty frustrated.
There are really only two possibilities: that you have accomplished your goal, or you haven’t YET. And “haven’t yet” can feel like a not-happy place. But it is not a doomed place.
Recognize that I wrote “haven’t yet.” Before you have met your mate, you “haven’t yet.” You have not failed, and Internet dating is not failing you. You just “haven’t yet” met your match.
That does not mean that you won’t, just that you haven’t yet. So you need to keep at it. The only other choice is to give up, and what will happen if you do that? Most likely, nothing.
“Haven’t yet” implies that you will at some point meet your Sweetheart. You haven’t failed. You simply “haven’t yet.”
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
I got this email over the weekend:
Hi Kat;
I met Sam in 2000 !
I met him via internet as well, and boy oh boy did I feel something very wrong about him….
I did have the “privilege” of meeting him. He tried to pursue me by buying me gifts, etc…However I was fortunate enough to read right through him…
I am glad you are coming forward and informing people about jerks like him…
Monica
Read more about Sam Martin in one of my earlier posts.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
|
