Kathryn's Blog

“Hooking Up” Episode #4

Oy. How many more bumbled relationships can I stand to watch? I am now glad that there is only one more installment of “Hooking Up"left.

Amy. Amy, Amy, Amy. I knew it. She is too superficial to appreciate Matt, the only guy we have seen her with who wasn’t all flash. She dumps him, and it looks like by not returning his calls or messages. Rude. Then she gets bent out of shape when she drops playboy Dave and he absolutely follows her lead. In fact, he thinks he dropped her. Cool.

Sonja was on for the first time. I didn’t catch date #1’s name, but what a playboy he is! Starts out with a statement about living in New York, that if you want to be shallow and sleep with a lot of women, that’s the place to live. Though he allows that is getting old. He manages to get Sonja back to his apartment after dinner—bad move, Sonja! I have to assume that the only reason she agreed to go was because of the presence of the cameraman. Of course, he plasters the moves on, even though she clearly does not want it, and she later says the only thing that saved her was the safety pin holding her blouse together. Yea for safety pins. Ladies, do NOT go to a guy’s apartment, especially on a first date, without thoroughly expecting moves towards sex. Ironically, date #1 says afterwards something like he admired her for saying no, even though he pressed her for sex relentlessly.

But then Sonja does better. Date #2 Mitchell and date #3 Ken are serious contenders for first place. Mitchell does not make a good first impression, but really grows on Sonja. He is clearly quite taken by her and spurred on by knowing Ken is in the wings. Mitchell really scores big with Valentine’s Day, picking her up in a limo, with flowers, champagne and chocolates. AND he is dressed in a black velvet suit. In the flash forward to the next episode, he gives her pink pajamas and a pre-engagement ring. All right, Mitchell!

Reisha. Reisha keeps her “no sex” rule, and also wants to continue to see other guys, while keeping Acie on the string. Acie is being a very good sport, traveling to NYC from Atlanta to see her, and then hosting her back at his home in Atlanta. He sleeps on the couch at her place, in separate bedrooms at his. But understandably, he is getting antsy, and at least wants an agreement about exclusive dating. Nope from Reisha. The two of them go down the tubes.

Kristen also debuts. The camera takes Kristen rapidly through 6 first dates. Finally, Mike, #6 looks like a keeper. Hooray! Except… flash forward to the previews: It looks as if date #2 bombs.

If there is a lesson in this segment, it’s “Hang in there.” I can’t believe that if these dates were given more of a chance, more of them would work out. It’s unrealistic to expect perfection on a first date. Both parties are nervous and can easily become more so as they bounce off each other. Unless a first date is a clear"No way!” try a second or third in different settings to see if anything better develops. Like with Sonja and Mitchell.

From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord



Hi Kathryn:

I actually continue to see hope for Amy. IMO, she continues to grow and mature through the dating process. I actually understand exactly where she was coming from with Matt ... I think her language was “he’s a little off”. I kind of agree ... he is a little less interesting, less exciting, and has less charisma than her other dates. Should she have given him more of a chance ... another date or two? Maybe. Also, I don’t see anything wrong with not returning his calls at this stage. Would I prefer that women are always straightforward upfront and honest at that stage? Sure. But it’s not reality ... not based on my experience. After 2 or 3 dates and not much of a physical relationship, no one just tells you that they don’t want to take it any further. More important is Amy’s realization that she is looking for someone like Matt in terms of maturity and marriage-material ... but with a bit more personality. I also note that she was willing to dump both of them and be alone! I see this as breakthrough progress on her part. If only I was a little younger :-).

I also liked Sonja. Yes ... it wasn’t wise to go up to date #1’s apt on the 1st date. But she stuck to her guns and didn’t cave in. And she showed AMAZING signs to me of patience, of being non-judgemental, and willingness to get to know Mitchell and Ken better. Especially Mitchell who is not exactly the best-looking one on the show! Bravo! If only there were more NYC women like her. But alas ... she is a rare exception to the rule ... as you can see from the behavior of the other women on this show.

I think another thing you must keep in mind with internet dating is you do not know the person ahead of time as you do in “normal” dating situations. Therefore, you almost have to give it 2 or 3 dates if you see any possibilities on the 1st date. Chemistry is just not always going to be there on a blind date or coming straight off the internet. There is too much riding on that first date.


I’m beginning to think that the presence of the cameras is either encouraging the guys, or discouraging them. For example, Mitch seemed to relish the cameras’ attention, and rose to the occasion to really wine, dine and seduce Sonja. Acie had to put up with a lot of inspection & pressure while dating Reisha. If he hasn’t found a woman who appreciates him by now, then I’d be surprised.

I have similar reactions to the dating mistakes these women made.

Dr. Janice

I’m actually feeling less discouraged as I keep watching. Obviously, the producers put the nuttiest women in the earlier episodes, probably to generate interest in the show.

I guess that I am one of those people who believe in the concept of “chemistry”, and I understand Kristen not wanting to go on second dates with her six “bad” first dates.  (They were bad only in the sense that they weren’t especially good.  Really, they were just so-so dates with people she found uninteresting.)  I also empathized with Claire in the first episode.  I think that chemistry works if you are both self-aware and perceptive.  If you know who you are and what you are looking for, and if you have the ability to quickly and accurately figure out who people are, then using chemistry to determine whether you want a second date is valid.  Hopefully, you’ll also have the wisdom to know when you don’t know enough to make an informed decision.

Hmmm.  I don’t disagree with you, Ben, and I had to reread what I wrote to get what you meant about chemistry and first dates.  I did not mean that Kristen should have gone out on second dates with 1-5.  I do think she could have done a better job screening before going out at all, though we don’t see any of the preamble to the first dates. 

I do think that Amy made a big booboo with Matt and should have given him more time.  Instead, she was busy comparing him to flash like Dave has, all the while bemoaning Dave’s shortcomings in the husband and father potential. 

Amy seems to want the excitement, glamor, and edginess of these Clark Gable types, and then the down home dependability of ... (who was the guy that played Dad in “Father Knows Best”?  I know, I am showing may age.) It’s virtually impossible to have both in the same package: excitement and edginess come from fear.  These types of men and women keep you interested by being elusive.  You never know when they are going to go away for good. 

Yes, stability can seem boring, but that’s because it is safe.  Frankly, I’ve had all the edginess I want.  I’ll take steady and risk some boring any day. After all, it’s not my mate’s job to keep me from being bored.  It’s mine.  And I don’t need fear in my life to stay interested.

Robert Young. I haven’t lost it completely.

Your statements on “edginess” vs. stability are right on. And while I agree that edginess tends to be something that many people seek (and posess) moreso when they are younger, I constantly see internet dating ads specifying that women want a guy with an edge. Women don’t like to be bored ... and the whole idea of being “edgy” or bringing some kind of charisma or “spirit” to dating (especially up front in the early stages) seems to be very important to many ... in fact, I’d have to say MOST women. What I find so challenging about this is it is sometimes difficult to achieve this on a first or second blind/internet date (as I’ve said above). Sometimes, one or both parties are nervous, or they just plain don’t know what to expect and can’t act naturally because they’ve never met the person before. One has to make allowances for this. For me ... I am the kind of person where the true “fun” and humorous me just doesn’t tend to come out until I’m a little more comfortable with someone ... after all ... isn’t that what dating is all about ... getting to know someone better to see if you can build a friendship and fall in love with one another? But with all this emphasis and expectation on instant chemistry (and I have to tell you this is where “Hooking Up” is truly representative of what is really going on in the dating world), there are going to be a lot of nice guys (who just don’t have that edge or who just need time to feel more comfortable) being passed up. And it is precisely because of what I mentioned in one of my earlier posts. Maturity factor. As you can see from Amy ... she is beginning get a sense that the “playboys” aren’t good husband and father material. She is beginning to mature ... something that many single women even in their 30s/40s (I’m sorry to say) haven’t done yet ... based on my experiences and based on the internet dating ads that I have read. Problem is ... it hasn’t settled in down deep enough yet ... partly because it’s coming from her sister instead of from inside Amy’s heart.

What’s really funny is if you spend time with lots of couples and families? You find out very quickly that THESE are the people who have gotten past this stage. “Settling down” and raising a family is GRUELING. Priorities and life changes very quickly. I tell these dating stories and things like this desire for “edginess” to some of these people that I know and they just laugh. Because it is they who now know that this is so unimportant ... and what is truly important is having someone who is compatible, who is in it for the long run, and who is willing to share and compromise in the responsibilities of a husband and father.

In spite of my sentiment here and my agreement with you, I really do at least partly understand a woman’s desire to feel “excited” or somehow “interested” early-on in a dating relationship. It kinda almost takes away from the romance of things if she doesn’t feel this way and she will become disinterested very quickly. I am constantly striving to improve my dating techniques so that I can try to achieve this on the first or second date. I think an important part of this is finding out what the gal likes to do, and making dates early on that are just not dinner/movies ... but are “different” things that she will find fun ... be it rock-climbing, golfing, a sporting event, whatever.

What I am trying to say is while I agree with you, I also see the point in a woman wanting to find someone fun. Matt just didn’t seem to be fun to me, although I’m willing to admit maybe I didn’t know him well enough. The secret is that we men need to be focused more on providing the excitement and fun, but the women also need to demonstrate more maturity and patience ... if their objective truly is to find “marriage and husband” material.


It seems like the editors are leaving a lot of footage out.  I found that Reisha has a website http://www.ventureheart.com. She has a blog where she comments about the show.  It looks like Reisha’s reaction to Acie was caused by arguments and disagreements that were not aired. I felt like there was more to her story and I was right.

I wonder if we can really take any of what we see on this show at face value.  I think that they tried to cover too many women in too little time.  According to Reisha’s blog, they air less than 1% of the footage. We may be missing important information that would lead us to a very different conclusion about some of these women (not all).

Of course! This is TV, and the way a network makes money on TV is to get ratings. And ratings come from putting material on TV that people want to see. You think seeing every little spat between Acie and Reisha would get higher ratings than watching Amy go through her “kissability tests” with each date? Of course not!


A few more notes from re-watching episode #4:

Matthew and Amy had a discussion about a very interesting subject.  They said (italicized words are Amy’s):

“In any relationship, you can ask yourself a question.  And, the question is, ‘Is this the person I want to be with?’  And the answer to that is very simple.  The answer is yes, no, or maybe. The maybe’s are like the, we get along well. We have chemistry or this and that . It’s a no, but you can’t come up with a good reason why it’s a no.  Right, and you continue, So you continue it, and you pursue it. ...hoping that something is going to happen, ...that spark ...will change it and make it into a yes and it doesn’t happen.  You’re right and you have to listen to that inner voice.

That seemed pretty pessimistic, that all “maybe’s” are actually “no’s” that you haven’t yet realized.

Who used what: Sonja, Match.com; Kristin, Match.com for her profile and also Spring Street Networks (but through a partner that wasn’t Nerve.com) to look for people.

Mitchell really scores big with Valentine’s Day, picking her up in a limo, with flowers, champagne and chocolates. AND he is dressed in a black velvet suit. In the flash forward to the next episode, he gives her pink pajamas and a pre-engagement ring.

Uh, Mitchell is a pussy.  That is a VERY expensive deal, and sets an unrealistically high expectation for next time.

Any woman who is impressed with that is in for the gold, not the person, and if guys would just wise up to that, and spend money AFTER they snagged the babalicious woman, then they would be sure of a return on the time and money invested.

Speaking of investment, ugh, what, exactly did this bimbo invest in the relationship?  Time, effort, money?  How about NADA.

No wonder over 40% of the men 35 and under in the Peoples Republic of Seattle, in FU-WA (Feminist Utopia of Washington) are, and have never been, married.

The Geezer, who blogs at http://www.thespinmeister.blogspot.com, and at http://www.hatemalepost.blogspot.com.

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