Kathryn's Blog

More Thoughts on Tom Blake’s Articles

Here are a few more thoughts that got stirred up by Tom Blake’s articles (#1, #2) about the disappearing guys:

When you have an email relationship with a potential mate, you can make some educated guesses about you email pal by watching both how they handle your questions and what they actually say. If you were to ask about when this man or woman got divorced, do they answer back clearly and directly, with dates or even offers of proof? Or do they dodge and dance around the question, or maybe never answer it at all? How they actually treat the matter at hand has as much or even more importance as what they actually say.

When I was Internet dating, I asked all my potential mates for relationship histories. I wrote one, too, and we arranged to exchange them via email at the same time so that neither of us had the advantage of seeing the other’s history before revealing their own. Most guys answered thoroughly and thoughtfully, understanding the value of the exercise. One did not—he wavered, moaned, and eventually said that there were too many to count. Guess who got an enormous red flag?

Another factor to monitor in email exchanges is the frequency of the exchanges and length of the notes. If you are getting roughly one email a week, you might want to ask yourself about the level of the other person’s interest. If the emails stay at the superficial level—what’s the weather, what you did that day, maybe some clever banter—but the two of you never venture into “meaty” questions like “What are you looking for in a partner?”, I’d question both the motivation of the my correspondent, as well as my own investment. Why am I not more interested, or not asking and answering important questions?

The first guy I met online wrote about once every two weeks or so. I wasn’t experienced enough at the time to realize how tepid the exchange was. And indeed, he just stopped writing. As I became more experienced, I only kept up correspondences with guys who had energy and time for the exchanges. Two or more emails a day were not unusual, and as time went on, the emails became more personal and revealing. How can you get to know someone on an email a week, or develop real trust if neither of you put in the time or reveal anything of importance?

The email relationship that Drew and I had before we met in real time and space (ten days after our first contact online—the fastest of any of the other meetings I had) was so intense and thorough that the stack of printouts of those emails (we have them all!) is an inch thick.

From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord



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