Married Men and Potential Cheaters
Here’s a great resource for women who want help identifying married men who are cruising around online, and also, how to predict whether your potential mate may cheat on you. Ruth Houston’s Infidelityadvice.com has scads of free articles that you can download. Certainly more than anyone ever wants to have to know about the subject. I got “Are You Dating a Potential Cheater?” and “20 Signs You Are Dating a Married Man.”
Unfortunately, married men posing as single on dating sites have posed quite a problem. Some estimate up to 30% of men posted have been married. When I was first on Match.com in 1998, Match openly allowed married people to join and self-identify as such. That choice is not offered anymore, as the big sites like Yahoo! Personals and Match.com try to solicit only single folks.
Interestingly, I have heard practically nothing about married women listing as single on dating sites. Any other experience out there to report?
I do suspect that sites like AdultFriendFinder, which are blatantly sexual and don’t care what your marital status is, is siphoning off the married guys from the regular sites. What do you think?
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Undateable? Intense competition online
Ellen Gammerman writes for the Wall Street Journal and seems to be their onsite expert on online dating. She wrote a lengthy piece called “An online nightmare: Becoming ‘Undateable’” that is worth a look. It’s so dense with stories that I won’t summarize it here. other to say it describes a good idea gone bad.
I know that when I was doing online dating, I wished there was some kind of reporting system so that others could be at least warned about caddish behavior. And some sites have developed systems to do so. But like any good idea, people are always around who are ready to misuse it (like the scammers who are now such a part of everyday Internet life). And people have figured out ways to abuse and manipulate rating systems.
I guess the only route is the middle one: Behave yourself and use good manners, do the best you can with your online profile, making sure it also accurately presents you as you are now, and keep you antennae up and in the “receiving” position. Don’t be a cad yourself, and learn how to spot them.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
PS Read my blog postings on “Mind Your Manners” for help with etiquette.
PPS I do profile reviews and workups. My clients LOVE the results. .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)
if you would like me to do yours.
Fly Alone Alot?
When I fly, I look at the experience as a time to zone out and read, practically uninterrupted. But if you are single and fly regularly by yourself, you may be missing a great opportunity to have a congenial seatmate that might turn into something more. AirTroductions.com would seem made for you.
Here’s what you do (taken right off the home page of AirTroductions.com):
1. Enter a profile! Who would you like to sit next to you? Enter as much or as little information as you’d like—remember, your personal details are always kept private.
2. Enter your itinerary! The next time you book your ticket, come over to AirTroductions and enter your flight information. Flight number, airports, date and time.
3. The system will automatically show you a list of everyone else on your flight who has a profile. And if more people join your flight after you, we’ll send you an email.
In an article about AirTroductions.com on The Daily Free Press, the site’s owner Peter Shankman. you list for free, but if you decide that you would like to connect with another passenger, you pay $5. Interestingly, 70% of users say they want to meet someone, and 30% say they want to be seated with someone who will leave them alone. Can do.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
I along with lots of others grew up with Consumer Reports being regarded as close to the bible as a reference book. So I was interested to see that Consumer Reports has taken on the Internet dating industry to review. I even mail ordered a copy to see it. “Should be good,” I thought.
Well, I could have written a much better analysis. Take a look at what they wrote for yourself. What’s really creepy is that they infer that True.com is safest and nicest: If Internet dating gives you pause, try True, whose screening of members and customer-friendly privacy policy make it especially reassuring. Not what I have heard, about the niceness anyway. I’ve written about True.com a number of times here on this blog. Take a look at some of my entries.
I don’t want to sound too snotty, but you’ll do a lot better reading my blog entries about the biggest of the dating sites. Consumer Reports? Shallow.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Fascinating Facts
Quotes from the most recent Pew Internet and American Project survey: Among young, single Americans, 74% have used the Internet “In one way or another to further their romantic interests>” 61% of Americians think Internet dating is okay. 29% think online daters are “desperate.”
From an article in the Edmonton Sun by Sun Media:
In a survey conducted by FastLife and Lavalife with more than 400 singles aged 18 to 55—
44% of men hoped to have sex on the first date (only 23% of women were interested). Both sexes thought that kissing on the first date was okay.
66% of women thought men should pay on the first date.
Women valued humor over intelligence, physical attributes, confidence, and social skills.
Men were most impressed by intelligence, with attractiveness next.
A eHarmony survey of 628 singles showed more than 60% believe that the Internet is the least stressful way to get to know someone that you may want to date.
PARSHIP, a European dating site, surveyed over 5000 singles accross Europe.
30% of men say they fell in love on the first date. 47% fall in love by date 2 or 3.
Only one in ten women fell in love quickly, 72% falling in love between date five and ten.
More than 63% of British men had side effects from falling in love: 12% suffer dizziness as a result, blotches, and stomach ache. 22% had heart palpitations.
24% of men took time off work as a result of falling in love.
30% said their thinking was impaired.
Only 42% of French men were phycially effected by falling in love.
The Tom Cruise Syndrome—a need to go on and on about their new love to anyone who will listen:
6% of French men and 15% of French women talked like Tom. JUst 1% of British men and women chattered obsessively about their new love.
The Millionaire’s Club - Canada
Watch out, Canada! The Millionaire’s Club is coming to you!
Watch a video clip from CityNews of an interview of Millionaire’s Club owner Patty Stanger as she talks about matching women with rich men. All the time with a huge bed in the background.
And read the article with the standard fodder about rich men looking for “the perfect 10” women.
But then start putting things together: Stanger boasts 10,000 women members worldwide—but takes “only 5 new millionaires a month in each city, to up the odds.” Then she says that four out of five members get into a relationship as a result—but does not clarify that those members are probably men.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Matchmaker Janis Spindel may be looking for you!
Reportedly the Manhattan matchmaker has been paid $50,000 up front by a “prominent Carolinas bachelor” to find him a mate.
You need to be “27 to 37 years old, well-educated, sophisticated yet understated, a traveler who want to settle down and raise children.” And oh yes, very attractive. “Men are very visual,” says Spindel.
Uh oh. Interviews are scheduled for December 1 to 3. You may be too late. Even if you qualify.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
If you’ve ever thought about finding a millionaire to marry, you ought to read Valerie Gibson’s article in the Toronto Sun: “A Million Reasons to Marry” While the middle of the article is all about Patty Stanger’s site The Millionaire’s Club, Gibson throws in some interesting tidbits at the beginning and end.
(You might also want to take a look at The Millionaire’s Club site: I can’t believe anyone with ten cents would join such a tacky looking site, frankly. But the deal is obvious, I guess.)
(And I have written here about the Millionaire’s Club before: take a look.)
Here’s what Gibson identifies as the risk of marrying rich:
He may not stay a millionaire. He could lose his money and/or end up in jail.
You may be treated as an acquisition that he bought and paid for—which in a sense he did. And he may feel that money is all he needs to contribute to the relationship.
Here’s my piece:
You could become as disposable as last year’s Lexis. Especially as you age and lose your looks. Rich men want the goods they are paying for, and looks and youth are usually part of the deal.
Your rich guy may not be rich. The fancy car could be leased, the debt could be sky high.
And if you have money, don’t bother signing up with The Millionaire’s Club. Owner Patty Stanger says “Most successful men don’t want successful women.” Stanger also lists advice for women who want to marry a millionaire:
Always be a lady.
Always be nice to him and make him happy (being a good cook is essential).
Make his life easier.
Stay positive.
Be willing to relocate.
Don’t be a gold digger.
Be energetic and enthusiastic.
Have long hair and wear minimal makeup.
Cultivate what you shine at.
Be intelligent and educated.
Ugh.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Tallahassee Democrat Tackles Dating Fraud
From an article in the Tallahassee Democrat about fraud, the part about Internet dating:
Overseas, and especially in Nigeria, thieves and scammers are joining Internet-based dating services that cater to American customers. The scammer will hook up and woo the suitor, then ask for money for an emergency, like a medical emergency or a financial emergency. Or they’ll ask to send a check for the American to cash at their bank, then ask the American to wire the money in cash back to them, Bierbaum said.
“We’ve had two incidents of this in Tallahassee where women sent money overseas to these people,” Bierbaum said. “I can’t tell you their names because they’re just so embarrassed that they fell for this, but they had to report it to police.”
The checks sent from overseas are counterfeit. The scammer will put some sort of time-sensitive urgency on the transaction so the victim will take it to their bank and get it cleared before the bank has had a chance to fully investigate the check, Bierbaum said.
“Let your bank protect you,” he said. “Don’t fall for this stuff.”
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
I wrote the article below about Cyber Lotharios several years ago. If it sounds like I know what I am talking about, I do: I ran into one when I was Internet dating myself. Unfortunately, these guys are showing up more and more on online dating sites. Just like crooks figured out how to use the telephone for nefarious purposes after it was invented (or any new technology, for that matter), so shysters are learning how to leverage the Net. Probably you, like me, get scads of emails from Nigerians who need you to help them claim their “inheritance.”
The Cyber Lothario though is much more sophisticated. He looks and sounds just like you and me: He speaks and writes excellent English, at least the seductive sort. And he is super smooth.
It’s pretty easy to detect a Nigerian scam. But quite a bit harder with these guys.
Unfortunately, I was inspired to dig out this article because one of my clients is currently being scammed. She and I worked together briefly last spring, but because of her tight finances, we hadn’t talked in quite awhile. She did email me and let me know that she had met a “wonderful guy” and was deeply in love.
However, she started getting suspicious, and we have talked several times as she has struggled to sort out the real truth. I emailed her this article a couple of days ago, and she says it describes him perfectly.
So in the interest of the safety of us all, here’s how to tell if a Syber Lothario is out to hook you:
The Cyber Lothario
Are you writing to someone who is romancing you off your feet? Does this guy seem to know just what to say or write that gets you a step or two further down the garden path?
Perhaps more dangerous than the notorious Internet rapists and murderers are the Cyber Lotharios. Maybe you know one. Smooth as silk. Seduction is his native language.
More dangerous, because these guys (well, maybe there are girls too, but I am more familiar with the guys) are GOOD.
These guys are the Internet equivalent of a Bill Clinton, if Bill Clinton hadn’t gotten caught. They are the cyber version of handsome—they write beautifully, know just what you want to hear and tell you. They POUR it on, and for a thirsty woman, it is nectar from the Gods.
These fellows post on dating sites indefinitely, waiting for the unsuspecting newbie to the dating site. You might contact him, he might contact you, but like a used car salesman, he knows a pigeon when he sees one.
Then slowly, softly, but determinablely, he has his way with you.
How do you tell if you have one of these guys on the wire? What if he is a really nice guy, really meaning every word he says?
Well, one thing would be if you find yourself agreeing to things that you never would if you were in your right mind. Particularly if that has to do with sex. Or maybe money.
These guys make manipulation feel like a warm bath. You just slide right in and it feels delicious.
But there is a certain vagueness, particularly about past relationships, and perhaps about future plans. They may also be vague about grounding their identity in reality: Perhaps you can only reach them on their cell phone. They avoid introducing you to real family and friends. Their relationship with you is kept away from their real life, in motels, your home territory and not theirs. These guys may reassure, they always have a good story, but they also will leave themselves a way out.
How can you tell?
Well, one thing you can do is ask for a relationship history. Then pay attention to how he responds, as well as what he actually says.
Does he groan and moan about doing the job? Is he grudging in what he tells you? Or is he open and serious, understanding what you are asking and why?
Does he seem to have trouble remembering his own history, what her name was, what order the different relationships came in? Is he reluctant to divulge, or does he sound like he is fudging?
Does he seem to be moving you fast towards a romantic getaway? Maybe he makes plans for the two of you to meet, and reserves only one room. Is he heavily sexually suggestive and titillating? Does he ask questions like “What kind of lingerie are you wearing?”
Even though a new and legitimate relationship can be highly sexually charged, a guy who is seriously interested in you and a possible future with you will be protective and understanding of you and your feelings.
Look for information that ties him to a real place and a real life. Where does he work? Call him at his workplace. Ask to meet his family and friends.
If you feel antsy, pay attention. If your hormones may be doing your thinking, put on the brakes and engage your critical brain. Better to let this dangerous Clark Gable type swim away than to be left flat and busted.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
What to Buy for Your Single Friends Who Wish they Weren’t
Single (And Maybe for Yourself)
Holidays can be tough times for singles. You included. How
about thinking of your single friends (and you!) for some special
treatment this year? P. S. New Year’s is coming too, and what a
perfect time to resolve never to go through this time of year
alone again! Here are my best suggestions to help singles change
their status to coupled:
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Books
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When I was doing online dating back in 1998, I couldn’t find ANY
books that helped. I was on my own. Now, thank goodness, lots
of writing has come out. My “Top Ten” list is posted on my
website.
Here are three more books that I discovered this year and than I
have been recommending over and over:
“A Fine Romance” by Judith Sills. This is a fine, fine book.
The full title is ” A Fine Romance: The Passage from Meeting to
Marriage,” and Sills beautifully describes just that, the step-
by-step process from singlehood to being paired. Best of all,
Sills identifies “stuck points” along the way, common and
expected hitches in the process that can derail the best of couples.
And she tells you how to manage and move through the morass. A
“must read” for anyone contemplating looking for love.
“The Sociopath Next Door” by Martha Stout. Now, here’s a book
for the other, less optimistic side of love. We’ve all heard the
scary stories about cyberlove gone wrong. I’m skeptical about
the real frequency of fraud and deception, but the stories do
sell papers, so we get them. And I also believe it is just as
easy (if not easier) to meet a fraud, rapist or murderer in
church as it is on the Internet. If we read all the news, we
know that. But some folks are out to get us (Stout says 1 in 25
Americans feel no guilt), and it is in our own best interest to
be able to spot them before they do us in. Martha Stout
describes with chilling clarity the sociopathic personality and
how to recognize it. Be prepared to recognize folks that you
know, particularly politicians. Maybe even family members.
“Did You Spot the Gorilla?” By Richard Wiseman. I’ve been
enjoying Richard Wiseman’s books for a few years now. Wiseman
is a British psychologist and former magician who researches all
kinds of interesting phenomenon like ghosts, the paranormal and
luck. He’s got a new book out that’s a short, easy read, and
that should be mandatory for online daters: “Did You Spot the
Gorilla? How to Recognize Hidden Opportunities.” It’s
essentially a training manual for learning to see what’s under
your nose—and often missed. Unfortunately, “Gorilla” doesn’t
seem to be available in the U. S. A. yet, but you can buy it
through the U. K. division of Amazon.
I didn’t know that it was possible to order books from Britain,
but Wiseman told me how to do so, and it works.
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Dating Sites
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If you have done any nosing around online, you know that there
are jillions of dating sites, and most come and go. Really,
unless you are part of a small minority and want to go where
others like you go too, then stick with the big sites that
everyone knows and lists on.
I ALWAYS suggest either Match.com or or both. I
met my Sweetie Drew on Match.com, so I hold a special fondness
for Match. But I have come to appreciate Yahoo! Personals
equally. And Yahoo! Personals appreciates me, too: I write for
Yahoo! Personals online magazine.
Yahoo! Personals offers a gift certificate. Go to
and scroll down to the bottom of the
page, third line from the bottom, second hyperlink from the right
will take you to the page to set up the gift. It’s $24.95 for a
month.
Now, if this is a GOOD friend—or yourself—I’d suggest the
real deal of 6 months on Yahoo! Personals for $74.95—that’s a
dirt cheap $12.49 per month. Or what I consider the First Class
Option, Yahoo! Personals Premier at $124.95 for six months (which
works out to $20.85 a month). If you would like to know why I
particularly recommend Yahoo! Premier, check out my blog entry
I’m not sure if you can give those longer subs to another person,
but you could offer to pay for your chum!
Match.com is slightly more expensive than Yahoo!—$24.99 for
one month, $14.99 if you sign up for six months. But I
discovered a deal that Match.com has running: If you sign up
for six months and follow their guidelines (very important that
you understand the rules and follow them), and have not met
someone special in that amount of time, Match.com will GIVE you
another six months. Who can pass on a deal like that? If you
find you need the next six months, then your costs are a measly
$7.49 per month. Find more info here.
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Profile Resources
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If you have looked around on dating sites, you know what a
profile is: Just about all the sites base their listings around a
personal essay of sorts, photos, and list of likes and dislikes.
Virtually every one of my clients has needed work to shape up
their online presentation. After all, it’s you 24 hour a day
billboard, and you hope that it finds you the very best partner
for life. It should be the best you can make.
I do profile reviews (looking over and critiquing what you
already have posted), rewrites (new essays), and complete work-
ups (starting from scratch). It’s a deal at $99 total. An even
better deal? Sign up for a basic coaching package (Four 1/2 hour
sessions) and get the $99 Profile Work up for free! Email me to
set up a profile review gift: .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)
The most important part by far? A great photo. Just about
everyone needs a better one, and I ALWAYS suggest using
LookBetterOnline.com My clients have had very good results and
just those new photos would get them much more attention. The
cost is a very reasonable $129 for twelve Internet ready colored
photos. A deal. If you use LookBetterOnline.com, let them know
I sent you. They know me and treat my folks well.
Here’s what a Romance Client wrote me recently about her
LookBetterOnline.com photos:
“Here are my new photos taken last Friday. I look spectacular!!.
The photographer took 96 shots and I had to only pick 12 OH MY
GOD!” The difference between the photo this woman had been
using and the new ones was astounding.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
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