Kathryn's Blog

When to Take Down Your Profile?

New technologies shape new behaviors.  Did you know that “Hello” as a greeting was sort of invented because telephone users needed some sort of greeting that signaled one had answered the ring?

Internet daters have had to develop whole codes and shadings of behaviors not in existance before online dating.  Men and women are now on equal footing as to who makes the first contact. 

How long do you email before moving to the phone?  I’d say within two weeks, not longer than a month or two, because that leaves too much room for fantasy.

When and how do you meet for the first time? How long do you allow for that meeting?  What about safety rules?

An altogether new wrinkle is when to take down your Internet dating profile.  Do you leave it up until the both of you decide to be exclusive?  It kind of has the feeling like the old-fashioned being “pinned.”  Do young folks still do that?  Not like getting engaged, but a sign of seriousness. 

The underside of leaving your profile up is that your date can go online and check if you are still there and looking.  Of course, you can do the same for her.  Here’s what Shirly Malove had to say in the Miami Herald:

Q: I’ve been dating a great guy for three months, BUT he still has an active profile on http://www.match.com. I took my profile down after we started dating. I casually asked if he was still seeking dates online and he said, ‘No. I have you.’ Why is he still checking his profile every night? And why am I checking to see if he is checking his profile? Am I insecure?

A: You have some specific questions about your boyfriend and yourself that are difficult to answer without being able to see inside of you. However, what I do notice is that you seem to have sensed something was amiss between the two of you, which led you to check up on his online activity.

For some reason, both of you are reluctant to candidly express your feelings or concerns about where your relationship stands and where it is going. Because you are both engaged in activities that are kept secret from the other, establishing a trusting relationship becomes difficult. Trust and communication are the building blocks of a solid relationship. Feeling uncertain about his commitment to you is both uncomfortable and puzzling and probably explains your tendency to secretly monitor his online involvement.

However, if you each continue on this path, your relationship will be mired in deception and doubt. You must find a way to openly express your concerns and needs in this relationship, along with your hopes and dreams for the future while encouraging him to do the same. By doing so, you discover things about each other which will likely give you better insight and enable you to decide whether investing in a long-term relationship with this person is right for you.

No matter how awkward it may feel to raise the topic, it would be more harmful in the long run for these issues to be ignored. Unless you can openly talk about the unspoken feelings between the two of you, a barrier will continue to grow and interfere with the establishment of a caring and fulfilling relationship, which is most likely what you were both searching for when you began dating. Perhaps this is the source of the insecurity you are experiencing.

What do you think?

From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord




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