Kathryn's Blog

Where to find a Sugar Mama?

From a reader: I have long wondered why a good looking woman could find a man and never work, shop and live the good life. The only thing she can provide him with is sex. Where would a good looking man look to do the same thing?

My answer: Well, that’s an interesting question. Lots of women would like to know the answer to finding such a man. What you describe does not work very often now. But if you are serious, try a search on “sugar mama” and “dating site.” Looks like the guys need to be young and cute. Sort of like the women who get sugar daddies, right?

Let me know about your search…

From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord


More about ABC’s “Hooking Up”

I don’t know about you, but I’ve got my plans made for five Thursday nights, starting on July 14. Here’s more about it below:

Once stigmatized as the last resort of desperate souls and lonely hearts, today internet dating services are a billion-dollar industry used by an estimated 40 million Americans. “Hooking Up,” a new five-part documentary series from the producers of the award-winning ABC News series “Hopkins 24/7,” “Boston 24/7” and “NYPD 24/7,“takes an intimate look at the sometimes bewildering, often hilarious, and occasionally frightening world of online dating. Like the “4/7” ries, “Hooking Up” puts a particular aspect of our culture under a microscope, focusing in this case on the yearnings, trials and tribulations of 12 Manhattan women. Their experiences - the connections, the rejections, the dating disasters -  are a reminder that, for better or worse, every date is an adventure into uncharted territory. “Hooking Up” premieres THURSDAY, JULY 14 (9:00-10:00 p.m., ET) and AIRS FIVE CONSECUTIVE THURSDAY NIGHTS ON THE ABC Television Network

Here’s also an article that goes in to a bit more depth.

I’m trying to get access to the programs before they air—anyone with any contacts at ABC?

From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord


“Must Love Dogs” Opening July 29

In another signal about how Internet dating has entered the mainstream, “Must Love Dogs” is a movie centered around cyberlove. Here’s the description from the movie’s webiste below:

Dating is never easy. Early in the search for love, people find the golden formula for meeting a soul mate is one part humiliation, two parts aggravation, and a little blind luck thrown in for the fortunate.

Today’s dating game is a blur of websites, speed lunches and hordes of friends and relatives who know just the wrong person for you.

Thirty-something pre-school teacher Sarah Nolan (DIANE LANE) has been divorced for eight months, which is much too long for her co-workers and family to bear. With the best of intentions and only her happiness in mind, Sarah’s sisters, Carol (ELIZABETH PERKINS) and Christine (ALI HILLIS), begin lining up less-than-savory potential suitors. Meanwhile, their widowed father, Bill (CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER), is way ahead of the curve, having already cornered the market on internet dates, including his new web squeeze, the free-spirited Dolly (STOCKARD CHANNING).

Eager to launch her sister’s cyber-dating debut, Carol pretends to be Sarah, goes online and puts her profile on perfectmatch.com, with the last line being “Must love dogs.”

Sarah soon endures a torrent of eager wannabes and one very possible maybe, the handsome and accomplished but surprisingly awkward web date Jake (JOHN CUSACK) as well as Bob (DERMOT MULRONEY), the newly-divorced dad of one of her students, a hot prospect who may prove too good to be true.

As she braves a series of hilariously disastrous mismatches and first dates, Sarah begins to trust her own instincts again and learns that, no matter what, it’s never a good idea to give up on love.

ABC has a reality series about Internet dating called “Hooking Up” starting July 14. We are everywhere. I do not think that I will wait for it to come out on CD. You’ll get a review.

From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord


Do You Love It?

I read an article the other day about de-cluttering your life. De-cluttering and organization are hot new topics nowadays. All a result of having too much of everything. Seems a little obscene, doesn’t it, that we have to worry about too much when so many don’t have enough?

Anyway, the author gave three rules to ask yourslef for de-cluttering that I thought were gems:

  1. Do you love it?
  2. Do you need it?
  3. Is it useful?

Since Drew and I will be moving sometime in this next year, those rules are going to be put to good use!

But it occurred to me that those de-cluttering rules are also good ones for deciding about relationships. For whether to pursue a relationship or not:

  1. Do you love being in a relationship? Do you feel best and more yourself when partnered? Do you enjoy the every give-and-take of having an intimate partner?
  2. Do you want that kind of closeness? I changed “need” to “want” because “need” is too heavy a word. I prefer want, because need implies “have to, ” and want implies “choice.”
  3. Is a relationship useful for your life and growth?

I’d look for a strong “Yes” in answer to each of those quesitons.

As to a particular person:

  1. Do you love him or her? Do you feel warm and generous around your Sweetheart? Are you concerned for their growth and well-being as much as for your own?
  2. Do you want him or her? Are you drawn towards this person and desire his or her company? Do you want their presence and desire their intimacy?
  3. Do you find this person useful—for company, challenge, stimulations, caretaking, planning or sharing?

Again, I’d look for a strong “Yes” to each of those questions. Any “maybe’s” or “no’s” should be looked at carefully and questioned.

From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord


The Single Life—The Emotional Ups and Downs

I remember from when I have been single in the past that one of the most difficult things for me to manage was my day to day emotions.

When I am in a relationship, I have someone who cares to talk over things with. When I am upset, I can vent. My partner reassures me, give me ideas, or tells me I am full of bologna, we have a good laugh, and I get over it.

When I am alone, if I get into a funk, there’s no one around to help me out of it. I can wallow in it for days, churn and fuss, and only with a great deal of effort do I get out of the trenches and back to some kind of normal

I am having a spate of that now. I wrote earlier about some financial difficulties that I am having to straighten out for my mother. I am continuing to deal with it, explaining the situation to my brother and sister, working on a letter to send the offending party, and every dealing gets me massively stirred up. Drew and I have talked on the phone every night since he has been in Bulgaria, but that time is precious, and I don’t want to go on and on with him about the distress, long distance. So I stew by myself.

I know that I am happier and more content when in a relationship. It’s very nice to have company through life’s up’s and down’s. That’s why I worked so hard to find a good one, and why I work so hard to help you have one, too, if you want that.

From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord


Dear Gringo, Brazil and Germany Connect

I stumbled on this great column and writer this morning—Dear Gringo by Dr. G. Looks like Dr. G writes on various relationship issues for gringoes (Americans?) living in Brazil. This article deals just beautifully with a brief history of matchmaking and where Internet dating fits in, and also men’s superficiality (not all men, I know, but some—the 35 year old guy looking for 18-25 year old nice bodied females).

Dr. G hyperlinks to another article by a German man who met a lovely Brazilian lady on the Internet (sort of by accident, it seems. thinking she lived in Germany too), and without ever planning to, now lives in Brazil. Talk about backing into a long-distance relationship!

From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord


Drew Tells About Bulgarian Food ...

Drew and I both love to cook and eat, and get nervous when traveling wondering what the food situation will be. So I asked him what he has been eating in Bulgaria:

For lunch I had yogurt with wheat seeds mixed in. It was great.

Free breakfast at the motel would have given Holland American [on our cruise last summer]pause….

Yogurt with fresh blackberries, also fresh fruits, tomatoes, cucumbers, dried fruits, pastries, juices, two types of salmon—pink and white—various cheeses,
plus all the Shoney’s stuff—eggs, bacon, sausages and the like.


He must be in heaven. Or at least his digestive system is.

From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord


Friday is…Dog Day???

Yeah, I know, Friday is cat day, but these guys are so CUTE! Little prairie dogs, one of which makes a very good sofa. Posted by Hello


The Single Life—I am so RIPPED!

I know that something I really like about being in a relationship is having someone to talk over things with. Not only does it allow me to vent when I need it, two heads are usually better than one, and when I am upset, I don’t always think too clearly.

Drew is great in that role, and he’s too far away—in Bulgaria!!!—to consult. We’ve talked on the phone a couple of times, but he is very busy and not really able to tune in to what’s going on here. So I’m on my own.

I help my mother with her finances. Most things she handles fine on her own, but big sums of money buffalo her, and she is easily manipulated and intimidated. I’ve stepped in a couple of times when thousands of dollars were involved, and am having to again, and I am pissed. Each of these incidents have involved her being taken advantage of, and take concerted effort and cleverness to untangle, massive letter writing and judicious arm-twisting. I haven’t been able to get my bother on the phone, either, though he has sent supportive emails. So I have been ANGRY for two days, and have no one to talk myself down with.

Having someone who cares, who is willing to talk through daily minutiae, helps with problem solving, and just generally gives verbal and real hugs—what a gift in the otherwise lonely journey of life. When Mom and George found each other (they got married in April, he 86 and she 81), I was so pleased that they would have that kind of companionship again.

I wish Drew would call.

From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord


Calls from Bulgaria—via Omaha

Finally heard from Drew in the middle of the afternoon yesterday. The caller ID said “Omaha” so I didn’t answer the phone. Telemarketing calls tend to come in with those locations. But it was Drew, and he left a phone number. So then I had to figure out how to call Bulgaria. Thank goodness for the good old Internet—I searched “International Phone Codes” plus Bulgaria, and was able to figure the mess out. But then the clerk at the hotel answered in a long string of words that I assume was Bulgarian. All I could do was blurt “Room 127,” and it worked. Drew was on the other end of the line.

He got there fine after the very long flight, and I could tell that he is really enjoying experiencing the foreignness of Bulgaria. As much as he has traveled, he has never been over the Atlantic, and this is all new.

We both remarked that this feels like old times: right after we met for the first time or two, he was gone for a long stint of field work, and we both spent time waiting for phone calls and emails. The yearning, waiting for the phone to ring. I remember that very well.

From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord


Looking for Love from the Wrong Time and Place

I got a note this morning from a woman who asked if I had any advice for someone wanting some intimacy, but is waiting for a divorce while still living with her spouse and the miserable marriage.  I don’t think I’ve ever gotten that question before.  But here’s what I wrote:

My quick advice would be to get out of the house and get divorced before you start anything with anyone else.  You put both yourself and the other in jeopardy while you are still married.  On the other hand, you certainly can be doing some “getting ready for love” in the meantime.

And then I offered to talk to her on the phone (first session free, as always!) to get a better sense of her situation and maybe offer more helpful suggestions.

I don’t know exactly what she is looking for, but looking while in her current situation puts whatever she might find in enormous risk as far as the future is concerned.  And if she is not looking for something lasting and good, then she can likely can find that pretty easily. I just did a search using “affair” and “Dating site” and came up with over 36,000 citings.  AdultFriendFinder.com was right at the top of the list.

The best gift you can give to a future partner is to start as baggage-free as possible.  Now, that’s a pretty trite expression nowadays, and I tend not to like it, because we all have baggage just from living, and lots of the baggage is pretty darned good.  But we ought to clean up the things we can before stepping out.  Going looking when you are still married—and living with the guy!—is a terrible idea.  Get your own home, get legally free, get through that trauma, and go ahead fresh and excited.

My book “Find a Sweetheart Soon! Your Love Trip Planner for Women” walks the reader through the getting ready process.  If you want to see more about my book, go to www.YourLoveTripPlanner.com

From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord


I’m Single Again!

Well, not really. But sort of. Drew’s away for the next 10 days, and I mean REALLY away—he’s in Bulgaria. I haven’t heard a peep out of him yet. Either he’s dropped from exhaustion (he left here yesterday at 8am, should have arrived there about 24 hours later), or he hasn’t figured out an Internet connection yet. Or maybe he’s lost.

So anyway, I am on my own.

Drew travels a lot for his work, but this is the farthest he’s ever been and it’s a little disconcerting. I could get in touch if I absolutely had to, I supposed, but meanwhile, I wait.

Now, usually I rather look forward to his being away, and I did this time too. I like the difference, the time I suddenly have, the lack of distraction. As much as I love Drew and being married to him, I like being by myself too.

What I always notice when Drew is gone is how much time I suddenly have. Relationships take a lot of time! And that’s not just the time that he is actually here, we are talking or having dinner together. It’s also the mental space of being aware of where he is in the house or at work, thinking about what needs to be done to maintain us physically, like buying groceries, or doing laundry, or keeping things picked up and organized.

Of course, I still eat, whether he is here or not. But I usually don’t plan and cook in the same way. Last night for dinner, I had a big bowl of popcorn and a small bowl of strawberries. And the housework isn’t so demanding—things don’t get so disordered or dirty, and I don’t care so much, since no one is seeing it but me.

I can focus more single-mindedly and for longer periods of time. I get a LOT done.

Except when I am doing what he usually does, like water the garden, take out the garbage, get the mail, feed the kitties. Don’t forget to feed the hummingbirds, and watch the mail for bills that might need paying. Where is he when I need him? I’m going to have to fix the broken doorbell, too. Rats. It’s much easier to ask Drew to do it.

So you’ll be hearing about it over the next few days, what my temporary single status is like and how that might relate to you…

From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord


Summer Special for New Romance Clients!

Some of my Romance Clients are taking time off over the summer, so I have room for new folks. I’m having a SALE, new clients only! From now through July 7th, take advantage of this great offer! Four sessions for the price of three! Email me now and reserve your time—!

From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord


ABC Series on Internet Dating Coming Up in July

ABC has a five part documentary called “Hooking Up” in the works about Internet dating. It starts on July 14th, 9pm Eastern. While they didn’t contact me to be a resource (I can’t imagine why!), it should be interesting, if sensationalistic. Looks like they are going to follow 12 Manhattan women who try Internet dating. Let’s all tune it… I’ll remind you about it as the time gets closer….

From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord


Friday is Cat Day at Find-a-Sweetheart - Peri sniffs the roses!

Peri, forever the romantic. And always formally attired in black and white. Posted by Hello
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord


I lost my memory in Tunica!

Whooo! I am finally back and home for the foreseeable future! This last trip did me in—probably because I was so tired and zoned out, I lost my computer memory stick! Argh! I had been doing some great writing, blog entries, enewsletters, and work on my upcoming book on profile writing. Oh well, it could have been worse. I had a back up that was only three weeks old, so I am back in business. Stay tuned for bits and pieces as I pull my mind together.

From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord


Interesting Online Dating Stats and Info, March 2005

From an article in the Chicago Tribune:

Top dating sites

Number of unique visitors to top Internet dating sites in March (in millions)
Yahoo Personals: 5.93
Match.com sites: 3.96
Spark Networks: 3.37
EHarmony.com: 2.73
True.com: 2.54
IMatchup sites: 2.54
: 1.72
Tickle personals: 1.37
HotMatchup.com: 1.13
DateCam.com: 0.94
Source: ComScore Media Metrix

Last year IAC’s online dating sites generated $198 million in revenue for the company, according to a Securities and Exchange Commission filing. That was up $12.7 million, or 7 percent, from 2003. About 8.4 million people were paid subscribers of dating sites in 2004, according to Jupiter Research. Match.com has about 1 million paid subscribers, said spokeswoman Kristin Kelly.

My comments: Yahoo! Personals (which includes Yahoo! Premier, my current favorite) clearly is outstripping Match.com. Yahoo! is the biggie. And Match.com is owning up to having about 1 million paid members. I haven’t seen the total members numbers lately, but they have been 8 -10 million. That means that only 1 in 8 are paid members.

I’ve written about this phenomenon a number of times (see my comments to this post), but the bottom line is that a very high percentage of people posting profiles on dating sites have not paid. Therefore, they cannot do at least some of what the site offers, and usually that means they cannot email you until they pay up. That is the biggest reason behind non-responses to your emails, the most frequent complaint that I hear from Internet daters.

From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord


Friday is Cat Day—June 10

This handsome devil is obviously some kind of leopard, though I don’t remember the exact name. It is a native of the Southwest U. S., currently living in the Museum of the Desert in Tucson. We didn’t realize how erotic the shot was until later. Even though I keep this blog “clean,” this almost X-rated picture is worth the risk. Posted by Hello


More Thoughts on Tom Blake’s Articles

Here are a few more thoughts that got stirred up by Tom Blake’s articles (#1, #2) about the disappearing guys:

When you have an email relationship with a potential mate, you can make some educated guesses about you email pal by watching both how they handle your questions and what they actually say. If you were to ask about when this man or woman got divorced, do they answer back clearly and directly, with dates or even offers of proof? Or do they dodge and dance around the question, or maybe never answer it at all? How they actually treat the matter at hand has as much or even more importance as what they actually say.

When I was Internet dating, I asked all my potential mates for relationship histories. I wrote one, too, and we arranged to exchange them via email at the same time so that neither of us had the advantage of seeing the other’s history before revealing their own. Most guys answered thoroughly and thoughtfully, understanding the value of the exercise. One did not—he wavered, moaned, and eventually said that there were too many to count. Guess who got an enormous red flag?

Another factor to monitor in email exchanges is the frequency of the exchanges and length of the notes. If you are getting roughly one email a week, you might want to ask yourself about the level of the other person’s interest. If the emails stay at the superficial level—what’s the weather, what you did that day, maybe some clever banter—but the two of you never venture into “meaty” questions like “What are you looking for in a partner?”, I’d question both the motivation of the my correspondent, as well as my own investment. Why am I not more interested, or not asking and answering important questions?

The first guy I met online wrote about once every two weeks or so. I wasn’t experienced enough at the time to realize how tepid the exchange was. And indeed, he just stopped writing. As I became more experienced, I only kept up correspondences with guys who had energy and time for the exchanges. Two or more emails a day were not unusual, and as time went on, the emails became more personal and revealing. How can you get to know someone on an email a week, or develop real trust if neither of you put in the time or reveal anything of importance?

The email relationship that Drew and I had before we met in real time and space (ten days after our first contact online—the fastest of any of the other meetings I had) was so intense and thorough that the stack of printouts of those emails (we have them all!) is an inch thick.

From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord


Beware Requests for Money From Online (or Offline) Sweethearts

Tom Blake (I’ve quoted him before—and reviewed his books) recently wrote about trouble seniors had gotten themselves in to when lending or financial support to new Sweeties they met online and off. Having a relationship sour after money gets passed over is not restricted to those over 50 or 65—just watch a few episodes of Judge Judy or the like to see case after case of ex’s who soaked the other before hitting the road. Needless to say, any dater should be looking closely into the financial solvency of a potential partner. I write about that in my book “Find a Sweetheart Soon! Your Love Trip Planner for Women”—Chapter 12 Traveler’s Checks.

Elena Petrova warns of financial scamers offering up Russian women. Check out Petrova’s website http://www.womenrussia.com/ for insight by someone who sounds like she knows what she is talking about.

From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord


From the “It’s Never Too Late” Department

Here’s a great article about two lovely folks (picture included!), 81 and 82, who met online a year ago. Not only did they meet online, but also, one lives in Florida and the other in Indiana! They’ve visited back and forth (in real time and space, flying to the other’s location) four times. Yippee!

Here’s the lessons: You are never too old to find love. Even folks in their 80’s can master computers and the Internet and use the technology. And don’t limit yourself geographically—cars cover miles, and so do airplanes. Are you willing to go without love rather than put yourself out to travel a bit? That’s the risk you take with every limit you place on your search.

From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord


Older Singles Hitting the Net

Wherever the magical number lies for becoming senior (AARP says 50, the casinos here in town say it’s 55, and social security’s line—currently 64—keeps rising), singles over a Certain Age are flocking online to look for Sweethearts. In an article in the Seattle Times by Marsha King, PerfectMatch’s president Duane Dahl says: “Two years ago, the percentage of age 50-plus online daters was very, very small. Now on a daily basis that percentage is growing by leaps and bounds. (Read Mark Brooks’ fascinating interview of Dahl on Brooks’ blog OnlinePersonalsWatch.com, dated June 1.)

The article goes on to state that older singles are the fastest growing group of it’s members. And according to Nielsen/NetRatings, more than 1.6 million over 65’s visited online dating sites.

From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord


Internet Dating’s Dirty Little Secret

All the chatter that has been going on here on my blog the last couple of days (see postings and comments on “Who DOES eHarmony Work For Anyway?” and “Your 1% Towards Making the Internet Safe”) the last couple of days has really had me thinking again about the issue of paid/not paid memberships on dating sites. And my correspondents bdb777 and Jennifer have spurred me on to clarify my thoughts. Here they are:

Background for the uninformed—Most Internet dating sites allow people to post a profile without paying. This is to the dating site’s advantage, because they want to get lots of profiles up for people to look at. Big membership numbers are a big incentive to for singles to join a site.

The sites get non-paying members to convert to paying members, which the sites needs to stay in business, by restricting certain privileges. The most common restriction is that those people who do not pay cannot email anyone. On some sites, you can send out a “wink” or icebreaker, but nothing more.

Most sites give no indication on the profile of who has paid and who hasn’t. How this plays out is that if a non-paying member is emailed by a paying member (who doesn’t know if the other is paying or not), then the non-paying member has to decide if the contact looks good enough for them to pay a fee to make the first contact.

Having to pay a fee (around $20) to email is a powerful incentive not to do so, whether or not the person contacting is a possible match. Even though it seems rude, it’s all too easy online to simply not answer emails at all, especially on dating sites, because of the anonymity. So non-paying members account for a good percentage of the very high non-response rate to first email contacts. For instance, Match.com claims around 1 million paying members. While you never see the numbers paired, they also claim 8 - 10 million members. Only 1 in 8 or 1 in 10 members then (those registered and posting profiles) are paid members. So when a hopeful single sends an email to an attractive other, the odds of an email response may only be 10%.

As my correspondents have pointed out, this policy of free memberships with restrictions also works out well for lots of singles, who can post their profiles, wait to be contacted, and look at who is posting, all without paying. It’s like trolling for fish and throwing back all but the biggest guys. (I’ve always thought that “catch and release” made no sense and was cruel. Who says the fish don’t feel the huge hook in their mouth anyway? It could kill the darned fish, probably hurt like the dickens, and all for the fun of the fisherman.)

Additionally, if the poster is clever or the site allows or misses the action, the poster may also imbed an off-site email address, by-passing the need to join all together.

Who this does not work well for are the folks who are new or who haven’t figured out the system. Here’s why:

  • First, their fees are supporting the site for everyone who has posted and not paid up. Conceivably, those fees could be cheaper for all if more members paid their fair share
  • Second, newbies (or even seasoned daters) may not understand the difference in privileges between paid and unpaid, and most assume that because everyone is presented equally, that they are members at equal levels.
  • Third, new Internet daters are new—they are inexperienced, at least with online dating, and maybe to dating in general. They don’t know “the rules,” they are scared, and they are vulnerable.
  • Fourth, fear of rejection looms big with these folks, and even an unanswered “wink” can pack a wallop.
  • Fifth, they are jumping right on an already fast-moving speed boat with a “sink or swim” mentality. Who knows how many folks can quickly figure out a dog-paddle, or how many just sink and drop out?

I call this paid, full privileges and unpaid/restricted privileges memberships that dating sites routinely offer as “Internet dating’s dirty little secret.” Dating sites really don’t want you to know the differences. That’s why they never pair the paid and unpaid membership figures. Unless you are an experienced, savvy cyber dater and have figured this out on your own, or unless you have read my many writings on the subject or had me explain the phenomenon, you don’t know why you have such a high non-response rate to your emails. Every single time I have explained this phenomenon to singles, new daters or not, they are surprised. Usually, they assumed that everyone listing was a full member and able to email back. And all had no idea of the disproportionate numbers of paid versus unpaid members (80 or 90% unpaid on Match.com, for example).

Also, I don’t know what the figures are for first-time Internet daters versus the old timers, but I know that new folks are coming online all the time. And as Internet dating has moved into the mainstream, the users who have been on for awhile become more sophisticated and more able to manipulate the systems to their advantage. There is no T-Ball or Little League that I know of for new online daters. Every newbie jumps right into the major leagues, right along with veteran World Series players.

These new players are most often recently out of a long-term relationship and/or have not dated for a long time. They are tender, vulnerable, naive, and easily frightened or discouraged. They have not developed the thick skins that experienced daters, online or off, may have. However, they are excellent mate material, maybe even better than the experienced daters, who maybe jaded, calloused, or just plain not good mate material in the first place.

When my clients ask me why their emails or overtures are not being answered, I tell them about non-paying members, how many of them there are on sites, and how they would have to pay a membership fee to answer back. Then I suggest that they think about what they can infer from this. Here are my theories:

  • Most likely, either the non-responding poster is too cheap to join the site and play fair, or he/she is rude, because whether paid or unpaid, not to respond to an overture from another is rude. Or both - cheap AND rude.
  • Or the poster may be lazy and not attending to his/her profile as he/she should: If the poster has met someone and is dating, so not available, or perhaps taking a break, planned or unplanned, the poster should hide their profile or resign from the site. Continuing to post when not really available is false advertising.
  • The other, more excusable but least likely, reasons for non-response might be broken computer at the other end, sick or dead, or possibly the site has kept up the profile even though the poster has dropped his/her membership (some dating sites reportedly do this routinely to keep the numbers of profiles up).

Spelling out these possible reasons for non-answered emails softens the sting somewhat. Over and over, I tell clients: “People tell you who they are from the very first contact. Are you really interested in someone who doesn’t care enough to be polite? Or is cheap and trying to manipulate the system?” Be aware, those of you who do not answer polite indications of interest: That’s how you may be being seen. Is that the image you want to convey?

It is to everyone’s advantage to take good care of these new daters. Dating sites ought to make clear the differences between paid and unpaid members with some kind of designation, like Yahoo! Premier is now doing. That designation could be seen as a premium and thereby encourage members to pay up. (Yahoo! Premier members have to pay and get a purple P seal on their profiles. While these profiles are mixed right in with all the other Yahoo! Personals, it’s easy to tell who is a Premier member. Yahoo! is also marketing the Premier designation as a membership level for singles who are serious about finding a committed relationship.)

Experienced daters should pay their fair share and kindly and politely email everyone who contacts them. Just because you can do something does not necessarily mean that you should. It’s all too easy on the Internet to be rude and callous in ways that you might never be in face-to-face dealings. Dating sites and experienced daters should take on the obligation of welcoming new folks and helping them get up to speed. Wouldn’t that add to the general ambiance? Isn’t finding a life partner hard enough as it is?

Just think: Your perfect match could be nervously writing their first profile right now, getting ready to post. Don’t you hope that other singles treat Mr. or Ms. Right well until you find him/her, or your Sweetheart finds you? Wouldn’t it be awful if your heart’s desire got treated rudely, got discouraged, and dropped offline? Before you ever met?

From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord


Cat Day on Find-a-Sweetheart

Friday is Cat Day, and here’s the puddy that Drew and I found last week on the top of Mount Lemmon in Tucson. We didn’t see any other cats there except really big ones (more later). It was probably too hot (100 degrees and more) and the smart cats were staying hidden and cool. On top of Mount Lemmon, it WAS cooler, and that’s why this kitty is rolling around. Posted by Hello

From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord


Father’s Day Bonus - Single Dad’s Have an Edge

I’m embarrassed to admit that I hadn’t thought of this angle:

You see, “single fathers surprisingly have an edge over single men without children when it comes to characteristics that promote deep relationship bonding and overall relationship stability.” Of course, only 32% of women include single parents in their date-searching criteria. I guess these are the women who understand the complex yet subtle advantages of a single dad.
So I want to know - do YOU have a date for Father’s Day yet?

While all single fathers would not edge out all non-fathers in their relationship skills, fatherhood may indeed enhance a man’s ability to forge relationships. So consider dads, particularly if you want to be a mom, and be sure to ask about and observe them fathering.  I became a first-time Mom at 51, because I married a fella with children (grown-up ones).

Interestingly, being a father may increase a man’s marketability, while being a mom can negative effect men’s interest in a woman.

Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord


From the “It’s Never Too Late” Department, June 2

A reader just email me that he had heard that his 87 year old aunt just got married! All right, Auntie! That beats my Mom (81 years old on her wedding day) and her groom (86). Let’s hear it for love!

From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord


Who DOES eHarmony Work For Anyway?

A simply fascinating comment got posted this morning on one of my blog entries about eHarmony. Scroll down and see the comment from bdb777athotmail. This guy is ticked off at eHarmony for sure! It’s not clear from the posting that the writer is a guy, but I emailed him and got an answer back that clarified that the writer is a man.

Even more interesting, as an evangelical Christian (his words) he fits the demographics that I think describe who eHarmony might actually work for that I wrote about in the piece he comments on: “So if you are male, heterosexual, with fairly traditional, conservative values, looking for the same in a woman, and you don’t mind someone else doing the picking for you or not seeing what the lady looks like until you have communicated for awhile, eHarmony would be a good place to sign up. If that doesn’t describe you, go somewhere else.”

If this kind of guy can feel so poorly serviced by eHarmony, then who does eHarmony actually work FOR? Despite the happy couples pictured in the ads (Oh, I do hope that the couples are real, eHarmony!), I have yet to hear of a good experience with eHarmony from one of my clients or readers.

P. S. bdb777: You might want to take a look at one of my most recent postings about scamming dating sites. Even eHarmony deserves to be paid for what they deliver. What does it say about you if you try to get around paying, even if you are mad?

From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord



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