Another Tipping Point Coming
A little over a year ago, I wrote about 9/11 being a tipping point (a la Malcolm Gladwell) for Internet dating, when going online for love and romance suddenly came out of the closet and into our living rooms.
I think we are at another Internet dating tipping point: Going online to find a romantic partner is about to be the #1 option for singles. Right now, “friends and family” is the only method of meeting a Sweetheart that beats out going online. And the attitude that I have been hearing and feeling coming around to is “Why WOULDN’T you be listing online? You are crazy if you AREN’T!”
Just as telegraphs and telephone and then email trumped each other as preferred methods of rapid communication, so too online dating. The access that a good sized site like Yahoo! Personals and Match.com gives an individual to large numbers of interested others, in privacy, is too good not to take first place.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
http://www.blognewbie.com/contentzsystem/index.php?S=0&C=edit&M=new_entry
Take Care of Your Love
I get letters from visitors to my website and readers of my enewsletter all the time. When I think that the questions posed are of interest to more than the writer, I often alter the writer’s note to conceal identifying details, then publish the relevant content here or in my free *eMAIL to eMATE* enewsletter. (Not a subscriber? Sign up here!)
How does one keep the relationship fun, and interesting?
Now that’s a difficult question. Here are my best thoughts:
Don’t get lazy. Maintain a sense of responsibility to contribute to the fun and stimulation. Think of the relationship like a baby that needs to be fed and taken care of. What would you do to keep a baby happy and content? I don’t mean treating your partner like a baby, but I do mean that the relationship needs constant attention. Keep feeding it, and it will feed you back.
Best, Kathryn
Dependable?
I can’t believe a commercial I just saw on TV. It was one of those mushy ones of women looking for wedding dresses, then a shot of the bride and groom in front of their guests, when come to find out, it was the older woman getting married, rather than the young ones who were her daughters. “How nice, what a terrific twist on the wedding theme,” I thought, until the product being plugged came up: Depends. Adult diapers. Can you imagine? Using a wedding of an older couple to advertise diapers. Really. That’s a stretch. I wonder if she told him before the ceremony?
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Men on Women Making the First Move
In my June 1 *eMAIL to eMATE* newsletter I asked my guy readers how
they felt about being contacted first by women. I did get one
reply, see below. I know I’ve got lots of male readers, so hit
the keyboards, fellas, and add your voice to the solo. Or comment here!
From Mark:
I am pleased, because it shows me that she is not one of those
“guess how I am feeling, or what I am thinking” wimmin.
She has the (female equivalent of) cajones to move toward what
she wants, and will in the future tell you what “is”, rather than
holding back, stewing, or waiting for you to “get it”.
Now, that said, maybe I am not the stud-muffin I imagine, but I
find that I am contacted by women I would never contact myself,
women too far away, even though I am clear about that in my
profile, and women who do not have pictures. Get a clue,
wimmin’, men are VISUAL!!!!!!!
The only downside I find is that I am offended by the “wink”. I
know what it means when men wink—they are lazy, and working on
volume rather than quality, or looking for low hanging fruit. I
fear the same from women, so I ask them, and see if they can
compose a thought, or write intelligently, and spell correctly.
Mark
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Dating Boot Camp
One of my clients who asks to be called Richard X kindly wrote up
his experience at a super intense dating training that he
attended over a weekend. The workshop was presented by “Real Social
Dynamics (RSD)”
I’ve taken a look at their site and even listened to a very long
audio session of one of their presentations. While I cringe at
the whole premise (the total emphasis is getting laid, as many
time as possible by as many women as the guy can land) and the
crude language and attitudes (written and verbal), it’s both
interesting to know that this sort of training exists, that men
buy it, and that it can be helpful
Richard X seems to have gotten out of it what he wanted, which
was to break down his social anxiety about approaching women. I
found Richard’s description of his experience so interesting that
I asked him to write it up for me and my readers. You can get
your copy by emailing .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)
Women
especially should read what Richard went through, and at the same
time, get some understanding of how some men refine their
extremely smooth bar act.
If you want to read and hear more, scroll down to the bottom of
the “Real Social Dynamics” home page and sign up for their
newsletter. You’ll get some freebies, including the audio
session, for your listening pleasure. But remember, I warned
you…
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Newsweek Eats Its Words
Do you remember where you were around the first of June 20 years
ago? While not etched in my memory as firmly as when JFK was
shot (I was in ninth grade gym class) or when the Twin Towers got
hit (I was watching “Good Morning America” and husband Drew was
in a plane heading for Washington, D. C.), I know that I was
single, trying yet again to figure out the dating scene, and
living on an island in Maine where the pickings were pretty slim.
Twenty years ago from this past June 5, Newsweek published it’s
famous/infamous cover story called “The Marriage Crunch: If
You’re a Single Woman, Here Are Your Chances of Getting Married,”
illustrated in a glaring red, white, and blue graph that look
like the ski jump the unfortunate guy crashed off in the old
“Wide World of Sports” intro. The story’s most memorable line,
branded into every woman’s memory to this day, was that a 40 year
old single woman was “more likely to get killed by a terrorist”
than to ever marry.
I had been reading Newsweek faithfully since high school, and
figured “If Newsweek says so, it must be true.” But GHADS! What
a horribly depressing message. While I wasn’t quite 40 yet and
had already been married once, this news felt like the marital
kiss of death.
Well, it has taken 20 years, but Newsweek has finally eaten it’s
words. The June 5, 2006 issue’s cover story re-looks at the
original article, and admits “Why we were wrong.” Seems like in
general, Newsweek was reporting on a study that used past models
to predict the future, and they were wrong. Read the whole Newsweek article here.
Here are three pieces of info I found most interesting:
1. At least 90% of Baby Boomers have married or will marry.
2. Fourteen single women were profiled in the first article 20
years ago. Newsweek went back and found 11 of the 14. Eight of
those 11 women had subsequently married, AND (drum roll please)
have had no divorces.
3. The infamous line about a 40 year old single woman “more
likely to get killed by a terrorist” than to marry was a throw-
away line that the editors thought was so clearly over the top
that everyone would get it was a joke. Well, we didn’t.
So if you are over 40 and still single, rejoice! Newsweek was
wrong, your odds of getting married if you want to are getting
better all the time, and the chances are you won’t get killed by
anyone, let alone a terrorist.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
*eMAIL to eMATE* Women Readers Talk to Balding Men
My coaching buddy Nelda Choate asked me to poll my female readers about how they really felt abuot bald or balding men. Nelda kindly sent me the replies she got from my *eMAIL to eMATE* subscribers (Want to subscribe? Here’s how!), and here are a selection below:
When I was dating, I would date someone based on their
personality much more than their looks, including amount of hair.
I would have had no problems dating a bald man if he was
confident and treated me well. The best thing a bald man can do
is work on building up his confidence. If he likes himself,
women will too. The way he treats a woman is also much more
important than the amount of hair on their head. When a worthy
woman is being treated well, she can’t help but have good
feelings toward the man. Open doors for her, call her, buy
flowers occasionally, be romantic, and most importantly just be
polite and respectful.
My attitude toward dating has not changed at any point in my
life. I was raised to see the person inside and to never judge a
book by its cover. I understand that not all women are like that
and that is okay. If they are judgemental based soley on looks,
are they really someone you want to be dating anyway?
I feel that hair, or lack of it, does not define a man. What I
find sexiest is a man who is confident in himself regardless of
the amount of hair on his head. Be proud of your distinctive
features, they are what make you stand out in the crowd. Some of
the sexiest men I can think of are bald, think Vin Diesel or
Montel Williams. It is their confidence and the fact they stand
out from the rest that is attractive.
Danielle G, West Palm Beach, FL
I have dated several bald men and I view baldness as I do “hair
color.” You either wear it well or you don’t. As is the case
with most physical qualities the actual attribute is less
important than how the person feels about this attribute.
Confidence is the key.
I think bald heads are incredibly sexy - and I would prefer a
bald head over extremely thinning hair. The thinning hair feels
like an inability to accept the fact that your hair is thinning.
I really believe what is “inside” a man is more important than
any quality on the outside. This includes hairstyle and
baldness. This goes back to the confidence piece as well. Know
who you are, know what you like and dislike, and be confident in
it all. Draw out what is good in others and you will feel good
too.
I think I have always found bald men sexy - I don’t think that
has changed with my age.
If I were speaking to someone directly who is balding or bald I
might say, “I think you are so sexy. I have a hard time keeping
my hands to myself when I look at you, I want to run my hands
over your smooth head and now I can focus on your sexy eyes.
Think about it… if you’re bald - you can never have another bad
hair day!
Signed,
A Human Services professional, Meg M., Saint Paul, MN
Here is my insight on being married to a balding man:
1) When I first started dating my husband, I did
notice his hair. He was more self conscious about it than me.
After a few dates, we discussed his receding hairline, and I
suggested getting a new haircut. The haircut that I suggested
made a world of difference in his appearance and looked great on
him (it was a closer shaven hair cut- think of Bruce Willis’ hair
cut- and he has a great looking head and face that made him look
even better than the thicker look that accentuated his balding).
As long as my husband feels good about himself, which he does now
more than when I first met him, that attitude keeps him handsome.
2) Once he got a better hair cut, he felt 100%
better about his balding and receding hair line!
Shreveport, LA
Calling All males who think that baldness is a problem
- you may think it is for you, but it really isn’t for
the ladies. Listen up guys cause I have yet to meet a
woman that wasn’t turned on by a man who was losing
his hair, or by virtue of advancing age or heredity,
was completely bald. Heed this tip: women prefer that
you simply keep it cut super short or completely shave
your head. It’s just that simple to achieve a sexy
look. Believe me, I speak from personal experience.
And, this female view applies to all age groups. My
daugher’s special guy is only in his late 20’s and is
approaching complete baldness and she does not see
this as a problem. Her previous boyfriend also was
bald and very sexy looking. Your appeal all starts in
the mind of another, so focus on all your great
attributes. The best advice I can offer is that you
need to be a good listener and communicator. That
quality is number one with almost all women.
Anne N.
Lake of the Oarks, MO
Charity Fund Raiser
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Have you happen to have watched the three part “Secrets of the
Sexes” on Public Broadcasting. Catch them if you can—a
tremendous amount of helpful information about love, dating, and
sexual attraction.
Here’s one tidbit: Researchers set up a speed dating event with
40 men and women. They tested various strategies and elements,
trying to predict who would be attracted to whom. Almost all
their theories were blown out of the water. The only factor they
could find that determined who was the most attractive to the
other sex was height in men (the three tallest men got by far the
most date offers), and the ratio of waist to hip size in women
(the smaller the waist in comparison to hips is correlated to
fertility, which men seem to unconsciouly know).
Before the speed dating, the researchers tried to improve the
luck of a couple of the participants. One guy, who by his own
description was short, skinny, and not good looking, was put in a
store front window and women passing by were asked to guess his
profession, how much money he made, and whether they would date
him.
Not only was he short, skinny, and not good looking, he was made
more unattractive by his clothing: layered and badly colored T
shirts, jeans, and very odd shoes. The women guessed he worked
in a shop, made less than 30,000 pounds (the study was in
London), and sometimes rated him below 0 in attractiveness. Most
said they would not date him.
Then the researchers set him up with a stylist who dressed him in
a dark jacket and slacks, white dress shirt (open collar, no
tie), nice shoes and designer sunglasses. Then they put him back
in the store window.
This time, the women guessed that he was a professional or
business owner (in fact, he was a university lecturer), upped his
income to 40,000+, his attractiveness level by several points,
and were much more likely to agree to a date.
BTW, this same guy in the speed dating event (where he wore his
new outfit) did quite well. He indicated interest in ALL the
women, and two indicated enough interest back that he got dates.
He was very pleased and visably excited.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Now fellas, I talk to a lot of women who are reading your
profile, and do you know what they almost always say, right off
the bat? Some variation of “All these guys look terrible!” And
you know, they are largely right.
Not only do I talk to lots of women, I look at lots of profiles,
men and women’s, and while women have some pretty poor photos,
too, guys, yours tend to be pathetic. I think that the
women are a little more vain and careful about posting pictures
that are more becoming.
The common wisdom is that men are more visual, and in fact, that
seems to be so. But that doesn’t mean that the ladies aren’t
looking too, and that they don’t have taste and descrimination.
If you were trying to sell your car or house, you’d clean it up,
maybe slap on a coat of paint, maybe even plant a flower or two,
right? You wouldn’t post a photo of your motorcycle on ebay that
was too dark to see the details, or with it covered with an old
horse blanket.
Most of us have some idea what helps a car or house sell for the
best price. Why not use what you know to sell yourself? Get
your hair cut—and your beard trimmed if you have one. Take of
the hats and sunglasses. Avoid the skimpy muscle shirts and put
on a dress shirt at least.
I always recommend LookBetterOnline.com for profile photos. If
they do not have a photographer near you, then ask around your
area. Invest a few dollars to improve your bargaining position
with the ladies. It’ll pay off. EVERYONE who has followed my
advice and gotten professional photos have had vastly improved
results.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
The one religious group I hear from regularly looking for spouses of the same faith are Jewish. Actually, who I hear from are Jewish women, usually 40 and over. The slice of this subgroup having the most difficult time seem to be never married women in their 40’s. Women in their 50’s and 60’s, even those never married, have an easier time.
Several demographics problematically come together for these age 40’s women: The national trend of both men and women to put of first marriages well into their 30’s; The proverbial ticking clock (approaching menopause) which combines with the seeming heavier-than-average stress on marriage, family and children for Jewish adults; Men’s awareness (and avoidance) of women’s growing pressure to get on with marriage and child-bearing; The fact that both men and women in this group have successfully avoided getting married yet; And the low proportion of Jews in the general population (2%). If you add in that the individual in question may live outside the geographical concentrations of Jewish population (rural, sparsely populated areas are the worse), these women have a big problem.
Jared Shelly in “The Jewish Exponent” describes the demographics and problems succinctly in his article “Search for a mate gets complicated.” Shelly writes: “But while age can present a barrier to Jewish daters, it is not the only obstacle to finding one’s match. In a growing trend, as college graduates find jobs or seek graduate degrees outside their native regions, the Jewish community’s net has both expanded across the country and thinned out. There are now a smaller number of Jews in the places where they once traditionally lived.” Take a look at Shelly’s article for an extensive treatment of this subject.
Internet dating seems made for this spread-out group, and Jdate.com, with its more than 70,000 members, fills a big gap. Speed dating was INVENTED by a rabbi, for goodness sake, and speed dating events for Jewish singles are very popular. Speed dating, in fact, seems to have taken a place right beside Internet dating in popularity for all singles. Seems like the rabbi was onto something.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Romance Lost? Says Who?
Reporter Melissa Rayworth article “Romance lost in love found on dating sites” is interesting, if rather odd. While Rayworth is married, and to a man she met “in real life” and not through the Net, she is alternately curious, respectful, and appalled by Internet dating.
Probably, the basic weakness of the article is that Rayworth has not experienced Internet dating herself. How else could she title the article “Romance lost in love found on dating sites”? Who lost the romance? Online meetings and courtships can be VERY romantic. Just ask me. I had one. Actually three, if you count the two that went nowhere.
Rayworth quotes an expert: “The technology has increased the ability of people to meet others who are similar and meet a much greater number of people who are potential mates for them than has ever been true in human history,” says Robert E. Rosenwein, professor of social psychology at Lehigh University, who researches the connection between technology and human interaction.
Sounds right to me.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Well, you know when online dating and matchmaking has hit the mainstream when tv shows come out using them as themes. Last year, ABC did “Hooking Up” which was great fun (and painful) to watch and quite an education. I wrote about it many times on my blog when it was on—you’ll find the entries here.
This summer brings two offerings: “Lovespring International” on Lifetime and “How to Get the Guy” on ABC. We had such bad weather here last night (Alberto) that “How to” did not record, but I saw “Lovespring International” last week and this, and my goodness, it is a hoot.
“Lovespring International” is a comedy and meant to be so, in the same vein as HBO’s “Curb Your Enthusiasm.” It is so tongue-in-cheek and sharp, I love it already. It’s hard to say who I like best, but when Tiffany the receptionist is on the screen, I am straining for her every whispered word. The psychologist character is too much. If you are in the mood to laugh at dating and matchmaking foibles, you’ve got to check this out.
I’ve already got a negative edge about “how to Get the Guy.” This purports to be a reality show, but the two folks that they call love coaches J D Roberto and Theresa Strasser seem to have much more media experience than coaching know-how.
Here’s what my reader Ben wrote me this morning:
I saw How to Get the Guy last night, and I thought
that it was pretty funny. As a reality show, it
seemed more fake and contrived than others (for
example, the cheesy voiceovers that the women give).
Also, I have my doubts about the “love coaches”.
However, the women and their situations appeared to be
real.
Anybody else want to chime in on these two offerings?
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
9news in Denver reported on May 17th about a woman in the area who had been scammed by a man she met on MySpace.com. Within months, he had moved in with her and even got her to pay for her own engagement ring. The gig was up when other women online got in touch and told her they had also dated the man. A simmple Google search (using “Colorado Court Cases” and “Colorado marriage” brought up evidence of criminal offenses pages long, including domestic violence.
In an unusual case of media reticence, 9News did not reveal the man’s name, though it did print two of the women’s. So what’s the big deal about HIS name, for heaven’s sake?
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Rules to Ditch
In an article from the Home News Tribune, reporter Susan Reinhardt interviewed the women at econfident.com, who gave their insights on dating myths and new approaches. They are great, so here are econfidant.com’s thoughts on the matters:
Here are the rules to ditch:
# Wait three days before you call: In an era of cell phones and text messaging, you aren’t being cool or fooling anyone by playing the waiting game. Do that, and you could lose out. Make contact when it feels right.
# Guys should do the asking: Not always. Thanks to e-mail and instant messaging, it’s never been easier for women to make that first move. Men are flattered when women ask them out. And nothing’s worse than willing a silent phone to ring.
# Give every date a second chance: Nope, don’t have to. Banish the negative, intolerable, perverted and such. Don’t waste precious time on bores and drones. Dating should be enjoyable.
# The right one will come along: Fate does intervene for a few, but don’t leave it to chance if you’re hunting for someone great. Be proactive and tell friends and family you are looking for someone new.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Feng Shui to Find Sweeties?
I’ve been married to a scientist for too long. I could not about feng shui and finding your mate without a huge dose of skepticism. I could just hear Drew snickering.
how the proper use of feng shui principals can result in singles finding love. While I can believe that feng shui principals can be visually attractive and improve the looks of your surroundings and therefore your mood, I screach to a halt when this gets extended to somehow magically making your prince/princess appear.
Luck can be enhanced, and an imporved attitude can go a long way, but don’t resign your membership to Match.com in favor of feng shui.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Married and Wanting to Fool Around?
KOLR in the Ozarks is doing an investigation of online adultery and the AshleyMadison.com dating site. AshleyMadison.com, for those who don’t know, bills itself as the site for folks “When monogamy becomes Monotony.” The site helps married men and women connect to have affairs.
KOLR had a man and a woman list themselves on the site. Within two days, the woman got 40 messages from interested men. The KOLR man got none. I’ve heard that the men far outnumber the women on these sites, and the KOLR findings support that.
I’ve written about ol’ Ashley before. While I cringe at the whole premise, let’s get those married cruisers off the mainline sites like Match.com and Yahoo! Personals.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Steve Friedman writing for Match.com’s online newsletter tackles “Why must men always pay for dates?” If you’re interested in the man’s point of view on this controversial issue, take a look at what Steve has to say.
Basically, Steve understands the meaning behind payment, particularly for women. And he does pay, for up to three dates. But then he introduces money into the conversations they are having about hopes and dreams, and if all goes well, the two start sharing the expenses of getting together.
What’s really informative is that it is clear, through Steve, that men are watching the women, too, and how they handle (or don’t handle) who pays for what. These days, when women easily can be making as much or more than their date, sharing not only seems fair, it seems expected.
So guys, expect to handle the costs in the beginning, but ladies, step up to the plate early on and plan to pony up some dollars.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
PS And see what I have written before on this topic here and here.
on May 10 describing a classic scam that I’m seeing lots of reports of out of Nigeria. See the Nigerian connection pieces I have written.
Ben Coleman contacted Aileen Califano through a dating site. After spending some time to gain Califano’s trust, Coleman asked for money, which Califano rightly refused. Then Coleman sent her $3,800 in money orders, which he asked her to deposit in her bank account, then wire the money to Colorado.
Califano was not fooled. She was sure they were a fraud, and checked. They were.
Sending phony money orders and asking the receiver to deposit the fake checks and then forward the money to another address is a common scam technique. In the May 15, 2006, issue of the New Yorker, author Mitchell Zuckoff wrote about how John W. Worley, a Christian psychotherapist, was suckered into a classic Nigerian scam. If you want to see how a perfectly normal, bright man gets suckered, take a look.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
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