From Kathryn’s “What Will They Think of Next?” Department
I like a lot of Regina Lynn’s writing, and occasionally mention her columns here in my blog, but wowee! Does she go up to the edge and over sometimes, at least as far as I am concern. If there’s anything that makes me feel old and like I am thinking like my mother, it’s Regina.
Now, what Regina writes about in a couple of recent columns (“Online Dating Meets Cybersex” and “Ins and Outs of Teledildonics”) in some senses is good, old-fashioned reporting, this time of new trends with Internet relationships and cybersex, but goodness me, she also tries out the goods and tells us about it. Fan my temples.
(If you are wondering what “teledildonics” means, it’s a word that Regina made up, but is VERY descriptive. Break it down, third graders, to the parts to see what it means: tele-dildo-nics. Get it?)
In these two columns which I will let you read for yourself, Regina reports on the next level of computers and sexuality. Not only can you “do it yourself” with the aid of your PC, you can also do it to someone else. The possibilities boggle the mind.
I read the columns and clicked on the links with more than a little trepidation: What would appear once I pressed? Would I then get a flood of X-rated email? Not yet, but who knows?
Regina attempts to make a case, however weak, for the technology to help couples who are separated (like by the military) be intimate and stay connected. I do find it a bit hard to imagine how guys or gals in a war zone might work out the details and mechanics. The interiors of those tanks are pretty tight. But most likely, I’d guess this stuff will translate into more depersonalization and relationship destruction. Though I am open to what you might have to say. How about it?
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Egad! Even More About Richard Roe!
Okay, this gets better and better. I zipped over to Netflix and looked up “Pop and Me.” Here’s the description posted there:
Pop and Me (1999)
In this documentary, a father and son (Richard Roe and filmmaker Chris Roe) travel around the world using the father’s life savings to re-create a trip he took with his family years earlier, when he was happily married with three young sons. Chris sees the 190-day journey as a chance to interview fathers and sons from The Bronx to Italy, New Delhi and New Zealand, most of whom (with a few exceptions) describe mutually supportive relationships.
Starring: Chris Roe, Richard Roe, MoreDirector: Chris Roe
Parents strongly cautioned. Some material may be inappropriate for children under 13.
They spent Dad’s life savings? How can he be a millionaire again 6 years later? I gotta rent this film. I’ll get to see this SeniorBachelor up close and personal. Excuse me while I put it on the head of my Netflix queue.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Just a couple of days ago, I wrote a posting here about Richard Roe who was on Oprah that day talking about his search for a Sweetie to accompany him on a round the world trip (www.SeniorBachelor.com). Apparently, he’s getting lots of attention (Appearing on “Oprah!” alone will do that, and he is offering to pay for whole trip, so that tends to focus the audience for sure!), because my blog has gotten a flurry of visits because of that entry. And interesting comments—take a look.
So I did a little more searching around the Net, and here’s a tidbit I found out about Richard Roe: He’s been on Oprah! before! Seems like his son Chris is a film maker, and did a documentary of a trip he and his Dad did together. Here’s the description from Chris’s website:
“Pop & Me” is the highly acclaimed, award-winning feature-length documentary of a six month trip I took around the world with my father (Richard Roe) as we interviewed other fathers and sons. The film has won 6 international film festivals, was an Academy Award® semi-finalist, distributed by MGM Home Entertainment, was released theatrically in 6 cities and is now available on video and DVD. Publicity includes a featured double-segment on the Oprah Show, a 3 page article in People Magazine, The CBS Early Show with Bryant Gumble, ABC World News Tonight, BBC, CNN, NPR, and many national and local media outlets.
Sounds to me like Dad has gotten hooked on around-the-world travel. And I’m taking bets that son Chris will be filming this trip, too. Talk about buzz marketing! What an angle. This guy has gotten Oprah to hawk for him! And maybe son Chris will be piggybacking. Sounds like the trip might actually MAKE money, certainly 15 minutes of fame, and probably be a tax deduction. What do you think?
Ladies, if you apply, you’d better be photogenic.
Best, Katharine
Water Babies Haley and Rachel
Too long without a picture, which is very boring. These are two of my nieces, the youngest in the next generation, right on the edge of adolescence, and still able to tussle in the pool like dolphins and not worry about what they look like in a bathing suit. Yet. 
I’ve written about Googling prospective dates here before, and also about Zoominfo, where you can find out what others find when they Google you, and even change some of what comes up. Here’s a new resource if you want to do some deep digging: Netronline.com—“Welcome to the real estate public records and research information portal for property information, deeds & mortgage copies, tax records, parcel maps, assessment records, and public records nationwide. State and County government records may be accessed through our Public Records Online portal, and property information may be obtained through our online Property Data Store.”
Google is a terrific resource—just go to and search using your date’s name, in quotation marks: “John A. Smith” If your date has a common name, this may make for a lot of work, much or all of which is useless. I just did a search using “John A. Smith” and got 12,800 entries. However, Google has another neat tool: Go to the bottom of your search results and click “Search within results,” then put in another fact you know that might whittle down the results. I used “New York,” and got the number down to 591 entries. Be sure to try different spellings of the name.
Be sure to keep in mind that many if not most or all of the entries may not be your date. However, if you find out some questionable information, let’s say a murderer with the same name, you might want to do more investigation. I also see nothing wrong with saying to your date: “You know, I did a Google search on your name, and found that someone named John Smith is a convicted murderer.” Then watch his reaction.
Try searching email nicknames or screen names as well. Often folks will have a favorite screen name or two that they consistently use, and googling it will bring posts that they have made to blogs, message boards, or other Internet locations. You could find out a lot with that route.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
63 Year Old Guy Seeks Woman Traveling Companion
Okay, Ladies, this one is for you. I was just cooking dinner and watching Oprah at the same time. She had this guy on named Richard Roe, no kidding, who is 63, good looking, well off, and looking for a Sweetie. And he has a contest going to find one: He’ll finance a trip around the world for the lucky lady—only hitch? She has to go with him.
Here’s what he is looking for: You must be 40 or over, free to travel, female, fit, fit, and fun. No smokers, and social drinkers or less (no more than two or three drinks daily). To enter the fun, you need to submit a 3 minute video and bio for his review. You can find out more about this at his website: www.SeniorBachelor.com
I’m sending this to all my available ladies over 40…
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
featuring my home state of Maine: Webdate.com says that Maine has the most new and total numbers of their webdating members, per capita of Maine’s population. “Nearly 9 of every 1,000 Maine residents is a member of Webdate.com, and increase of 2.2 per thousand over the past 6 months.”
Webdate.com also says that it is doing well in other rural areas, with an average growth rate of over 34% in places like Wyoming, South Dakota, and Utah. Webdate says it just past the 3.5 million mark on membership. Well, even at .9%, that’s a healthy number (I happen to know that Maine’s population just passed a million in the last 10 or 20 years, so that would mean that .9% translates into around 10,000 people), so I went on over to Webdate.com to take a look.
One reason seems clear right off the bat: Webdate.com’s site just screams “Free, free, free!” Maine folks tend to be poor, and are always looking for a bargain. “What’s the catch?” I wondered. Dating sites need to make money somehow. So I looked a little deeper, and did a search of men between 40 and 60, using the zip code of Bangor, where I lived for a few years. Twenty-one PAGES plus of guys came up, twenty-five to a page! Of course, towards the end, they were pretty far away, in New Hampshire, Massachusetts, and Quebec, but hey, I’ve got a car and a license .... No, wait a minute, I’m a married lady. Back to business…
So I clicked on a picture so I could read something about these guys, and got a registration form , couldn’t go any further until I signed up. Still lots of reassurance that a credit card was not necessary, it was free. I didn’t sign up, but my guess is that at some point you have to pay, maybe to contact someone. That’s how the sites usually get their money, and hey, they deserved to make a buck from the service they are providing. Does anybody out there know for sure what the deal is with Webdate?
One negative: The pictures of guys on the site were dreadful. Part was the guys’ fault: Take some time with your photos, guys! Think about digging into your pocket and get a professional shot. (I like -->LookBetterOnline.com -->, and my client have had great results.) These guys make all the mistakes that I talk about all the time: hats, sunglasses, too far away to tell anything, distracting background. One guy even was holding up a fish! Fellas: Most women do not see a big fish as attractive.
The other problem was likely the site: Most of the photos looked heavily distorted. Maybe some were webcam shots (also not a good choice), but the pictures were so uniformly distorted that I figured it was probably the website.
So “Yea!” to Maine for getting out there and online! And the rest of you, let me know about your experience with Webdate.com. This site might be a good one if you live outside major urban areas.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
They’re Just Tools! The Internet, Dating Sites and Phones
People are always getting mixed up about what computers, the Internet, and dating sites really are. I touched on that in an earlier posting “Are Dating Sites Using False Advertising?”
Just keep in mind that the Internet and dating sites are TOOLS, like the telephone. The tool doesn’t do the work, you do—the tool just makes the job easier. Dating sites facilitate singles meeting each other, better than anything anyone has come up with yet. The better you become at using the tool, the better your results will be.
Regina Lynn and Rachel Metz, both writing in separate articles at Wired.com (practically on the same day) describe the both failings (Lynn) and strengths (Metz) of these electronic communication tools. Lynn tells of her own seven year relationship that ended abruptly when the guy at the other end of the electronic line simply did not answer her email. While the reasons for the break off seem understandable (drifting apart and only about 60 days of face to face time in the seven years, plus Lynn canceling plans to be together - major blow to trust), what Lynn bemoans is how easy it is to break up online. Simply don’t return an email. Silence. Just like “Why doesn’t he/she call?” or “What happened? He/she just disappeared.” People have been withdrawing and disappearing forever. When you are connected by just the thin email wire, though, and are thousands of miles apart, why bother to be polite, consider the other’s feelings, and give an explanation? You’ll probably never see this person again, ever.
On the flip side, Metz tells the story of Julia Steinmetz and Michael Mandiberg who are using their cell phones creatively to stay connected—literally—while Julia stays in Los Angeles while Michael lives in New York. When Michael moved from LA last fall, he switched his cell phone plan to the one that Julia has—so both have free in-network calling. Presto! A wireless umbilical cord! They estimate that they spend 2-4 hours daily on the phone, with some 5 or 6 hour marathons. Sometimes they aren’t even talking, just being there together. As well, they send text messages, photos, and emails via their phones. Julia reports having about as much contact with Michael as when they are in the same place, except for sleeping together.
When Drew and I were courting long distance ( we were 482 miles apart for the first year), we talked on the phone once in awhile, sent lots of emails, and talked “live” every night via the Internet on ICQ, which was 1998’s version of Instant Messaging. ICQ is still operating, if you have the need.
The Internet, dating sites, telephones? They are all tools, folks, that can make our lives easier or hell on wheels. Rude people will be rude on the Net, and kind and considerate people will show their consideration. Just wait and watch.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Two more articles came out this morning about True.com’s efforts in state legislatures to mandate criminal records checks by Internet dating sites. The best of the two articles was in the Sun-Sentinel, a light version on CNN. Beyond the push being a thinly veiled attempt by True.com to get lots of publicity, there’s lots of concern from defenders of privacy (our right NOT to be investigated). Other dating sites are alarmed, because passage in any state would essentially mandate changes for all states.
At least one of the legislators quoted seem downright wrong in his assessment: Ohio state Rep. Tom Patton says that women face more dangers online “Because they are more trusting.” Than who? Men? Men online are usually Right Out There, giving out their real names, addresses, and phone numbers right off the bat. Ladies, if a guy does NOT do that, you should wonder, because it is such a common practice. If a guy is hiding contact info, likely he has something to hide.
The best number is from Match.com’s Kristin Kelly: In a decade of operation, Match.com has had fewer than 10 reported cases of violent crime in connection to people who met on Match.com. That’s less than one a year, with a million subscribers and eight million members. You are probably safer on Match. com than in your own home. With the doors locked.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
P. S. Tucked in the Sun-Sentinel article was the interesting stats that Match.com has about 1 million paid subscribers. What very seldom is paired with those numbers are the members (paid and unpaid) vs. subscribers (paid). Match.com has around 8 million members, maintaining what I think is probably an industry average of 8 to 1, unpaid to paid members. Keep in mind that unpaid members are coasting along on what the subscribers fund, and cannot communicate without paying. So on average, only one in eight people you contact can email you back without ponying up $25 or so beforehand. I hammer at this industry secret all the time. But you need to know it!
God Helps Those Who Help Themselves
In my last posting, I talked about your chances of winning at Internet dating being more likely than winning the lottery. Which reminds me of a good joke that I tell my clients all the time:
John wanted desperately to win the lottery, and being a good Christian man, he decided to start praying for help from God. John prayed and prayed, promising all kinds of good behavior if only God would help him win the lottery. Day after day went by, and still John did not win. John was a patient man, but eventually the wait got too much for him, and he got mad at God.
John shook his fist at the sky and shouted “God, I have prayed and prayed. I have made promises and I have lived a good Christian life. Why haven’t you let me win the lottery?”
Whereupon the clouds parted and God’s voice boomed out: “John, would you please help me out and buy a ticket?”
The moral: You can hope and pray all you want, but unless you DO something, you probably won’t win at love.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Are Dating Sites Using False Advertising?
I’ve seen talk lately on the Net about whether dating sites are falsely leading clients to believe that by signing up and paying the site’s fee, then they will find a mate and/or get married. There’s even been a lengthy report saying the same.
The problem for dating sites is that it is difficult if not impossible for the site to know what the success rate (pairings or marriages made) of any site might be. How could they? The only way the site is going to know if two people met on their site is if the couple tells them intentionally.
Some people who manage to couple up through a dating site might be happy and proud and unselfconscious enough to tell the site and allow the site to use their names and/or photos for promotion. But I suspect that for many couples, their budding romance is a private thing, and they may just quietly drop offline and continue their lives together. Maybe even not telling anyone at all how they met.
I don’t think that it is unfair of dating sites to show happy couples in the promotion of their sites. In fact, I think it is great how some sites seem to be actually using real live couples who met on that site in the ads (I’m thinking of eHarmony here—eHarmony, I hope those folks are real couples and not models!). I do think a consumer would have to be incredibly naive to think that signing up guarantees the results of marriage.
It’s like the lottery: Ads for lotteries show happy winners, not dejected losers. And your chances with online dating are much better than winning the lottery.
Just keep in mind that the Internet and dating sites are TOOLS, like the telephone. The tool doesn’t do the work, you do—the tool just makes the job easier. Dating sites facilitate singles meeting each other, better than anything anyone has come up with yet. The better you become at using the tool, the better your results will be.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make Me a Match!
Now that Internet dating has hit the mainstream and so many singles have given it a try, suddenly the old-fashioned profession of matchmaking is re-emerging from the dark ages. (Read my discussion of matchmaker Samantha Daniel’s book. And this is my longer treatment on the subject.)
Here’s why, I think: People are lazy and scared.
Once you get out of high school and college, never again will you be in a situation of such similar others, almost all of whom are single and not wanting to be so. Getting hitched up after that takes effort, usually more and more as you get older. For those of us over college age, online dating sites have been such a welcome respite from the old complaints of “Where can I find a date?” or “There are no good men left!” Dates, plenty of them and all ages of them, are on the Net, looking just like you are.
But finding a good date that may lead to a great mate takes time and work. And we just love our labor-saving devices. So here comes professional matchmakers again.
If you want to pay lots of money, passively let someone else decide who you will meet, and rely on this someone to have a large enough pool of potential candidates to make a match likely, then by all means: Hire a matchmaker.
Not me. I wanted the best. I wanted to see what the choices were. And despite the effort involved, I was willing to do the work.
You know, I had not thought about it before, but my total mate search (not including actual expenses of meeting the guys) was probably less than $100. I already had a computer.
Not a bad deal.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Wow! I’ve been hearing great stories lately about love! Is it spring? Or is love catching? I think love is quite infectious, and I like to think that I am the carrier. What do you think? Here’s another story (slightly disguised for privacy) of budding love—I adore it!
Just a quick note to say hi—- all is going well in my romance…...Since you have lots of folks I will remind you of my story…I used Match.com - and dated a few, 3-4 guys, and then got introduced to a man at my church by a woman there…..and it was instant chemistry. We met at a pot luck in January and have dated ever since. The romance heated up when he was on a 6 week work assignment overseas…..now on Sunday he goes off to the Middle East!!!! But only for 10 days…..we are now using the “l” word…so it is getting serious!!! YIKES!
I thought you would be happy to hear of a success…..even though I did not meet him on line, and even though I only spoke to you once, I do believe that there is some kind of support that comes from knowing there are resources like you out there - and I do believe I was strengthened by setting an intention to go on line-even before my friend told me of you. Somehow I told myself and the universe I WAS ready…....and then this sweet man emerged.
Just to let you know I am truly smitten…..I have enclosed a poem I wrote to him…..I figure all romantics like love poems…...life is good -new job new beau! And spring too!
Have a great weekend….
Karen
Karen writes here about something I am convinced about: That once you start getting the “yes/no” switches inside you firmly into the “yes” position, finding a Sweetheart becomes more and more likely. Not only do you start looking for “yes’s,” you start telegraphing yes’s too.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Do You Really Have Time To Put Off Your Mate Search?
Do you know how much longer you have to live? Do you think about it every day? How does it effect the decisions you make, particularly those that have to do with finding a life partner?
I’ve been surprised since I became a Romance Coach to find a good percentage of my clients to be over 55. Not only are they over 55 and single, often they’ve never married and are now feeling such a strong desire to do so that they are hiring me to help them. Of course, I am over 55 (well, barely…), so that’s part of the equation, but I was a mere 48 when Drew and I met. And I had been looking seriously for a couple of years. I had been coupled before and knew that I liked it well enough to take the risks to do it again.
I really started thinking about “How many years do I/we have left?” when I was at my mother’s wedding. If you are a regular reader, you know that Mom is 81 and her new husband George is 86. Mom told me that at the retirement facility they live at (a Continuing Care Retirement Community where those who are able to live independently have their own houses), no male member has reached the age of 100, though several women have. Mom’s in great shape, and could easily make that age. But she has made it her goal for George to be the first man there to get to century mark.
I realized that Mom and George can be fairly certain that they have LESS THAN 14 years to be together. How many of us think that way? Or know the future limits of our relationships so certainly?
I often tell my older clients that time is NOT on their side. The longer they wait, the harder it is going to be to find a partner, particularly for the women. Now I am going to add that we never know when we are going to die, and every day that we get older, we get closer to that date, no matter when it is. And the older we are, the faster that date is coming. If having a relationship is important to you, don’t put it off. Every day you do not proceed is a day you WON’T have to spend with your Sweetheart.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
“Who Pays These Days?” and a Compliment from the Geezer
If you subscribe to my enewsletter *eMAIL to eMATE*, you will have seen the articles in the last issue titled “Who Pays These Days?” Money Coach Lynne Hornyak and I take on the delicate topic of who pays for dates, one of The Geezer’s** favorite topics. Click here to go to my enewsletter to read our two takes on the subject.
Mark (The Geezer) sent me the highest of accolades in response. Read it here below:
Brilliant, absolutely brilliant. Unfortunately, most wimmin’ do not have your class and style, and still believe in “equality” as long as they can keep their female entitlements.
Grouch mode off….........
Class and Style??? I’ll take that, Mark. Maybe I should add it to my business card. Whaddaya think?
** The Geezer is Mark Mahnkey, a loyal fan, and not nearly the Grouch he makes himself out to be. Plus, he’s kinda cute. Click here to see for yourself. And read about when I took him to dinner…
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
110 Years of Marriage, Plus 2 Weeks!
I just got a phone call from my new Step Dad George. Once I figured out it was him calling, I said “Is this my Daddy?” and he laughed and laughed.
George and Mom are on their way home from their honeymoon. After I talked to Mom a bit, George got back on the phone expressly to tell me how happy they were and how much in love. I am very proud of them both for having the courage to go forward at every step of the way: Letting themselves be interested in finding a new partner, communicating that interest, building a relationship together, tacking the difficult decisions about whether to get married, and then actually doing it. Not that dissimilar from what all people go through around coupling up, but made a lot more complicated by their ages.
On the phone, Mom told me that they had had breakfast with a couple that morning and told them that they had been married for over a hundred years, plus two weeks! I can just imagine the expressions on the other couple’s face, can’t you? I pinned her down on the details: Mom and Dad had been married over 52 years when Dad died, and George and his wife were married 58 years. That’s more than 110 years of marital experience between the two of them!
I’ve always thought that the best testimony to a happy marriage that ends in the death of one spouse is the interest in the surviving spouse to remarry. Even after a less than happy separation, the courage and desire to try again says something powerful about love and the human spirit.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
First Date Disasters and Other Misfortunes
I burn up lots of paper and black ink jet cartridges printing off the articles that come to me over the web, all in an effort to keep me and you up to date on the dating world. When I read, I underline and highlight points I find interesting. The article on the top of my pile is a review of a book about first date disasters. What did I underline? “...excessive farting is not good, even if you really, really have to.” Ain’t that the truth?
First date horror stories provide plenty of fodder to scare the bravest single into a lifetime of unwedded bliss. And of course they make great reading. Breanna Hubbard writes about two first dates in an article dated April 14, 2005, one of which went well. The second did not. Hubbard shows her youth and lack of experience with Internet dating: She didn’t screen the candidates well at all, and couldn’t figure out how to end quickly what clearly was going to be a terrible experience. (Romance Coach to Internet daters: Make the first meeting brief, and have an exit plan!)
If you really want to indulge your first date voyeurism, read . Cox sets up a marathon of first encounters all over the world, zipping through guys at a dizzying pace. I’m halfway through the book, and enjoying it. Cox writes pretty well, and seems to be learning how to do the dates better as she goes along. She does dismiss seemingly good candidates for very superficial reasons. But we know from the start that she meets a True Love along the way, and that makes the mistakes and agony worth slogging through. For her and for the reader.
We humans (some of us, anyway) have an odd liking for being scared to death or repulsed to the point of nausea. And there’s no harm in wallowing in others’ misery from the distance of your living room. But just keep in mind that no one gets a second date without going through the first one. And a date’s bad behavior is about THEM, not you. So detach a bit, don’t take it personally, and dare!
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
I got the following email yesterday from a reader named Nicole who wrote about her own Internet dating adventure. We all love good love stories, and here’s Nicole and Drew’s:
Back in 2003 I had posted a profile on Yahoo! Personals. There is where I ultimately met MY Drew..
We exchanged emails for weeks because of personal things I had going on. I had also been very used to the newest ‘dates techniques’ and was going to take things slowly this time.
We met in October of 2003 and we have been dating ever since. I still have all the initial email conversations we had and presented them to him on our 3 month anniversary. Things progressed between us rather quickly, as did falling in love.
Having the actual conversations had allowed him to pinpoint exactly what I said that had intrigued him so much. We are moving in together soon and do plan on spending our future together soon!
Nicole and her Drew have a record of their early courtship, thanks to their emails back and forth. I’ve written about printing and saving your emails before: “Internet Daters: Save those emails!” and “Reddi Whip and Strawberries” Not only will those saved emails be a precious memento if indeed the relationship works out, but also, keeping track of what a possible mate writes will help you determine whether he/she is being consistent and truthful. Yes, it’s a lot of ink and paper, but worth it. Develop the discipline (like Nicole did) and print every exchange.
Though I’m a firm believer that 95% plus of people listing on Internet dating sites are basically sincere and honest, for the most part, clearly some of those posting are downright deceptive. A chilling story came across the wires today about just that sort of manipulative cad. Kathryn Martin met Sam Martin III from Martin, KY, on ChristianMatch.com a year ago. They married in less than two months, but didn’t live together full time. Come to find out, he was having affairs with at least fifteen other women since they married. That was one busy guy. You’ve got to read the article to get the full story with all it’s twists and turns. (Just to be completely clear: Not all cads are men. Cads come in female versions, too, and I’ll not shy from telling you about them.)
Honesty and how to tell if someone is lying are big concerns of Internet daters, and should be equally big concerns of anyone dating these days. In earlier times, people tended to meet and marry in the same circles and could get character references from friends and family. I’d guess that marrying within one’s own community and social group is getting more the exception than the rule these days. People move around a lot more now, and the Internet has only aided in helping to connect up with people you’d never have met any other way. So whether someone is being completely truthful becomes a major issue.
Kathryn Martin’s story is a good example of not trusting the perceived safety of Christian sites. Just because someone has posted a profile on such a site, says he’s a “Man of God,” and builds churches, is not automatically a good character reference. I wrote about just this issue in an earlier blog posting.
Interestingly, even Sam Martin’s parents and grandparents seemed in on the deception, But other family members tipped her and another of Sam’s women, Misty Schoff. Thank goodness for that. And Kathryn Martin is getting back: She’s started a web site devoted to spreading the word about Sam. Take a look. And if you’ve been taken in by Sam, email Kathryn Martin. She’ll be good to talk to.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
From two more articles about True.com and attempts to legislate background checks on Internet daters:
“In his more than six years with the Florida Department of Law Enforcement’s Computer Crimes Center, Special Agent Supervisor Bob Breeden has not seen a single online dating-related case, he said.
“By comparison, he’s seen many crimes resulting from Internet chat room meetings. Those sites would not be regulated by the bill, which would only apply to matchmaking services that charge a fee to members.
“The center reviews many of the state’s computer-related crimes, but there is no definitive tally of dating site-related incidents in the state, Breeden said.” From
“A spokeswoman from Match.com, which doesn’t offer background checks, dubbed True.com’s campaign ‘a thinly veiled PR ploy.’
“She told a news wire that True.com was trying to make its mark by implying that there’s a problem that doesn’t exist. ‘... We’ve only had a handful of cases in our 10 years of operation.’
“The Florida police’s Computer Crimes Center agreed saying that in the last six years they had not seen a single online dating-related case. Most of the crimes across its desk were from internet chat rooms which would not be regulated by the bill.” “Florida wants to regulate online dating” by Nick Farrell
Sounds to me like plain old dating sites with no criminal records checks are far safer than chat rooms.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Mom and George Cut the Wedding Cake, Part 2
And of course, this is the traditional cake cutting ceremony. George did ask Mom when we were driving them to the church if she was going to push the cake into his face. Luckily, I have only seen the youngest folks turn what is so pretty into a hostile act.
We’ve not had any wedding pictures in the past few days. How boring. Here’s a nice picture of the cake and couple before the cake got demolished in about 5 minutes flat.
50+ and Looking for Love
The graying baby boomers are the big growth market for Internet dating sites, and don’t you know that the dating sites know it, too? In an article in the Cincinnati Enquirer, reporter John Johnston writes that Date.com saw an increase of 78.5% of members 65 and over between January 2004 and January 2005. Match.com reports increases of almost 100,000 singles over 55 in the same period.
Donna Wilkinson has an equally great article on the same subject in the Business Section of the New York Times this morning (April 12). Wilkinson reports that SeniorFriendFinder.com is now at 400,000 members after a slow start in 1999. (I’ve heard mixed reports about SeniorFriendFinder—be careful about cruising married men!) Wilkinson quotes a 62 year old man, who notes one of my favorites about Internet dating: “You don’t have to ask ‘Are you single?’ ‘Do you date?’ People are ready for coffee or lunch. They know the process.”
As singles who did not grow up with computers (like the current 30’s and under have) become more comfortable with the machines, they are finding Internet dating a wonderful opportunity. Single by divorce or death, or even never married, older folks are hitting the wires, and doing it with gusto. Here’s a great quote from Johnston’s article: “‘It’s almost like a treasure hunt. You search the files, find somebody who’s attractive. It’s exciting.’”
Yeah, Baby! Go for it.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
From the “How Optimisitic is That?” Department
Emails between me and brother Bill—see him in the wedding cake photo below:
Hey, bro, you’re on my blog—take a look at the wedding cake pics. Got another message from Mom and George yesterday. They have had a great week on Santa Maria Island, heading for the Naples area today.
Kathryn
I spoke with her last night…she sounded very happy. She said George had already booked the place for next year….and added “how optimistic is that!”. She also mentioned they might try to get to the Everglades.
Bill
p.s. your website photos are very cool…..
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
More on Women Making the First Move Online
Here’s a note from one of my Romance Clients:
I think I’m finally getting the hang of this internet dating. Tell all women it is definitely ok to make the first email contact. Two of the men I saw this week, I emailed a month or 2 ago and they are just now getting back to me but they’re both very nice.
This is another answer to a question I get often and addressed in an earlier blog posting. While it can be a treat if you are a woman to have the guys contact you (and if they do, enjoy it!), don’t sit around and wait! New fellas (and women) are signing up and dropping off dating sites every day, and your perfect match may find somebody else while you are waiting around. Would you go to the supermarket and then sit in the car, hoping someone would bring you the groceries you like? Well, I sure wouldn’t, and you shouldn’t either. Go shopping for what YOU want, and to heck with what your mother told you.
P. S. My mother told me that girls NEVER should call boys. When the first guy I had a serious online correspondence with sent me his phone number and asked me to call, I could not do it. Here I was, a grown-up woman, still governed by those old rules. And as you know, my mother has broken a few of those rules herself lately.
P. P. S. Why did my client’s guys wait around for a month or two to answer HER emails? Time is a real factor in Internet dating. Answer your emails, and do it promptly.
From Your Romance Coach, Kathryn Lord
Mom’s Wedding - Cake Demolished!
135 slices later—cake demolished! This was the first wedding I had been to where all the guests except the family were over 70 years old. They wanted their cake! And fast!
Mom’s Wedding - Drew Takes the Cake
Here’s the cake cutting crew. Drew couldn’t stop himself from stepping in. His life motto is “Lead, follow, or get out of the way.” So he did. From the left: My sister-in-law Carol, cousin Betty, brother Bill, Drew, and niece Rachel.
Even though Drew and I had no shared history when we met via Match.com in 1998, we had lots of parallel experiences. One is that both of us had watched “Sunday Morning” on CBS for years. We still try to catch it every week. If you aren’t a watcher,“Sunday Morning” is a hour and a half show that gives a mixture of topics extended coverage. The tone is slow and leisurely, perfect for Sunday mornings. Like having coffee and reading the New York Times.
This morning, we had a special treat: one of the segments was on Malcolm Gladwell’s new book “Blink” which I wrote extensively about in an earlier blog posting. It seems that “Blink” is now #1 on the New York Times Bestseller’s List, and ought to be #1 on your reading list, if you haven’t read it already. Singles, whether they are Internet dating, speed dating, or old-fashioned dating, need to know and understand the quick decision-making processes they use, and how this tendency can work tremendously or disastrously.
Well, the Pope’s funeral was just another obstacle for poor Prince Charles and his long-time Sweetie Camilla. If any couple gets the perseverance award, it’s got to be those two. Can you imagine going through what they have endured to be together? Yikes.
Yesterday’s New York Times had an article about the nuptials and the growing boom of marriage amongst older folks (Charles is 56 and Camilla 57). Here’s what I have noticed about the weddings of the over 50 crowd that I have attended: The events are happier, more relaxed, and in general, more optimistic and celebratory than those of the under 30’s. Folks are absolutely CHARMED that people with gray hair have found love and each other. It makes them feel more positively about the future, and remember old romances of their own. If they are single themselves, the couples’ story is pure inspiration.
The minister at Mom and George’s wedding echoed these thoughts in the service. She talked about how older couples tend to know what’s really important, and have more life skills to handle what comes at them. She noted that both Mom and George had been married before and widowed. If there is any stronger statement about the quality of the first marriages than a desire to get married again, I don’t know what it would be.
Older couples usually have fewer money problems. Education and career building has already been accomplished, and deciding to have kids is probably not in the equation. Since people who have lived awhile have suffered losses, they tend to value and respect the presence of a partner more.
Good luck to Charles and Camilla. But I think they have been through the worst already.
Here’s a relief from all my blathering about True.com. I saw this site (TrueDater.com) written about in Regina Lynn’s interesting column “Keeping Online Daters Honest.”
TrueDaters.com works to keep online daters honest in the best way I can think of: by allowing those who have dated them to write reviews. Right now, the site allows reviews of profiles listed on American Singles, JDate, and Match.com. Add more, add more!
This is such a good idea whose time has definitely come. It’s like writing book reviews on Amazon, or transaciton reviews on ebay. What better way to know what’s beyond a book’s advertizing puffery that to have comments from readers?
You write a review by picking the dating site where the person posted and then entering their screen name. Here are a few typical reviews I grabbed from the site:
February 4, 2005, pactigers… Great catch
He looks much better in person. Has a dry sense of humor. Very witty, nice and a complete gentleman. Isn’t into playing games. Appreciates independence so if you’re a needy person don’t bother.
January 18, 2005, sweetiepie5656… not honest man
i think he was not honest,he put in his profile how tall he is and he was way shorter,and he just wanted sex.only did not communicate well,weird i thought and very aggressive.
January 20, 2005, Malas Citas… Nice guy, ready for relationship
This is a TrueDater… he looks just like his picture, he is really sweet and nice. He doesn’t speak english that well so it would be a plus if u spoke hebrew. He is totally loooking for a relationship… Are u going to be the lucky one?
March 25, 2005, blondybug… what he will do to get laid
Ladies steer far away! At first he seems genuine and sweet but its all a lie to get u in bed. He will make your heart melt with sweet things but they are all to get in your pants and once he does u can bet ur pants hes back on jdate to find a new victom. STAY AWAY! dont waste ur time
I wonder how easy it would be to fake a review of yourself. The first one looks a bit too good to be true—why didn’t the lady follow up with such a gem?
FAQ says you can post for yourself, if you want to correct somenthing that was posted, but very rarely will they remove an entry. You also can have friends post for you, if the postings are accurate. The site does allow you to browse a bit, but like the dating sites, wants you to register before really digging into what they have to offer.
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