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Women dating younger men?
Most women would love to have Jane’s problem: she’s 73 and attracting younger men. But Jane has a problem with that. Would you?
Hi Kathryn—I am 73 and would like a relationship. Only very young (50’-60’s) men seem to respond to my profile online; the few my age who do, wander off after an initial wink or correspondence. What can a senior lady do to find love without seeming desparate? Jane
Gosh, Jane, I can just hear my older lady readers screaming “What’s wrong with THAT?” Most women – and men – that I hear from would WELCOME younger singles getting in touch with them.
Good for you for attracting the attention of younger men! Men your age and older are very marketable, and they quickly realize it, too, so will be looking at younger women themselves. Men in their 60’s do not seem too out of range for you. Plus, as you probably well know, as women get older, the numbers of available men shrink fast. So I’d suggest widening the age range of who you are looking at. Be sure too that you are finding and contacting men who interest you, not just waiting for them to move first. Showing interest does not look desperate, just interested. Kathryn
Quentin is vertically challenged as well, but it’s because he has to use a wheelchair. The closer you are to “normal,” whatever that is, the easier time you will have finding a partner online. If there is something about you that is NOT within the norm, or if you are looking for someone who is outside the norm, you will have a longer and harder search.
Kathryn: I send messages to women that I am intereted in them and I do not get replies. I think it is due to the fact that I am Paraplgic and confined to a wheelchair. I believe I have as much to offer a woman as any other man. How can I get a woman past the fact I can’t walk. They want me to be honest. It seems that when I am they pass me by. Quentin
Quentin, your dilemma is very similar to Tim’s and Veronica’s (see previous postings). Your situation is outside the normal and will automatically cut out 99% of single women right of the bat. You do not want to waste your time contacting women who know they won’t be interested in you. So for sure, be honest about your paraplegia and wheel chair. I would also emphasize the kind of life that you are able to live, regardless of it: Like, do you have a job? Are you active? Etc.
Then I’d look for dating sites where your disability would not be so out of the norm. Google disability+”dating site” and see what comes up. I have had other clients who have done well on such sites, including a paraplegic and another man who needed a walker. Best, Kathryn PS Here’s a great “lemons to lemonade” line for your profile: “Meet a guy who will never walk away!”
Veronica is “vertically challenged.” At 4’ 7”, tiny is an overstatement. What do you think I gave Veronica for advice?
kathryn, the guys can’t believe i’m only 4ft 7 and then feel like they will be dating their little sister. also i’m widowed and they say they don’t want to compete with a dead man. i’m sick of this and hate being single. help!!!!!!!! Veronica
Veronica, 4’ 7” is really on the short end of heights for women, and highly unusual. But I don’t need to tell YOU that. It is a truth for you, however, and can’t be hidden. “Normal” dating, online and off, works best for people in the “normal” range, whether it be height, weight, appearance, education, status, etc.
Your situation is going to cut out almost all men, right off the bat. But some men are going to be just fine with going out with a woman who is well under 5 feet. These men will either be very short themselves (and therefore ignored by women who want men who are taller than they are), or intrigued by the difference and thing your height is cute, or men who are sort of fetishistic (who like small women just because they are small). So your first filter (the sorting you do, getting rid of the most unlikely candidates, or those you really don’t want) is: get rid of all the guys who wouldn’t want a woman as short as you. Bye bye.
So make a point of your height: That will get rid of a lot. Then turn it to your advantage: market yourself to shorter men, those under 5’5” let’s say. Write to them something like: “How would you like to tower over your date, rather than peer up at them?” Or “Never lie about your height again, just to get a date.”
I’ll bet, with a little time, you’ll be able to find several guys who are as “vertically challenged” as you are and think you are just adorable. I’m also guessing that being widowed will not bother them much, and there are ways to play that positively, too. No ex’s around to cause problems, or “Already comfortable with being a wife, no break in period,” for instance.
You’ve heard of the expression “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade”? Start squeezing your lemons. Kathryn
Tim is looking for a “Holy Spirit filled woman” which probably cuts out 99% of potential candidates. See my advice below.
Happy Valentines Day, Kathryn. Thanks for the offer to help. Here’s what I’m dealing with.
I’ve been online dating for 5 years without many takers. Of these it’s half don’t like me and half I don’t like. I’ve got a list of scores of women who never reply. And with these results, I’m not going to pay much if any for a service.
My problem is I believe in Jesus and want a Holy Spirit filled woman. You know it’s a flashing stop sign when anything like that shows up in a profile. I can’t meet anyone at church, and I try going to different churches. And a lot of Christian Denominations are not really alive with the Spirit either; I’m not a follower of any denomination.
If you have any suggestions, that would be great! Otherwise, I’m just going to wait on the Lord, and try to make myself ready.
Thanks Again, Tim
Hi Tim – I am astounded that you have not been meeting the kind of women you are looking for in church. In my experience, churches have far more women attending than men, many of them single, and lots more than eager to meet a Christian man. I’d seek out the kind of churches that attracted people like you (Jesus believers and filled with the Holy Spirit) and attend regularly. Get to know the people there and let them know you are looking and welcoming of introductions.
Your issue here is that you are looking for a specific quality that probably cuts out 90% of eligible women, if not 99%. Therefore, you have to figure out where these women are in concentration, and go fishing there. Church would be first on my list. The other suggestion I would have is a Christian dating site like ChristianCafe.com (http://christiancafe.com/)
Additionally, your experience is typical: ”I’ve been online dating for 5 years without many takers. Of these it’s half don’t like me and half I don’t like. I’ve got a list of scores of women who never reply.” A very high percentage of non response is normal. Expect it. And “And with these results, I’m not going to pay much if any for a service.”? Sounds sort of cheap to me. Dating sites – the big ones, anyway – are a BARGAIN at less than a dollar a day. How are they going to get any better at serving singles unless we all pay our share? Kathryn
It’s so important to get clear when you are thinking about dating, clear about what you are looking for, clear about whether you really want to do the search at all. Here’s a note from a single who REALLY needs to do some clarifying:
Hi Kathryn— Well, of course I wish I had someone to celebrate Valentines Day, but I’m not trying to meet guys too much, but also, when I meet them, I’m excited to get to know them and hope we both like each other, but am afraid of dissapointment. So far I’ve been disappointed for different reasons, or that they’re not acting like I wish they would, or saying the right things to make me fall in love with them. I’m not picky, but I am looking for something and I guess when a man comes along that makes me feel that comfort and security and excitement, then I will just know, but so far, haven’t came across that, someone that goes out of their way to want to please me, impress me, love me, etc. etc. I guess I wish I knew the secret of what it takes to have a guy connect with you and actually fall in love with you.
That’s all for now they’re not really questions, just how I feel.. Hopefully you can give me some insight or advice on different things. Thank you, Kathryn
Phyllis
Phyllis, your note is all over the place. What I read is yesnoyesnoyesno. You sound very confused and probably are giving out very confusing messages to men, who in turn are confused by you and back off. I do not think you are at all ready to successfully date. Coaching would be very helpful for you at this time, to help you get clear and a sense of direction. At the very least, you should buy my book “Find a Sweetheart Soon!” which is all about the “getting ready” process. Then read it all from cover to cover. Twice. Do all the exercises, then email me and set up time for a consultation and we will see where you are. Kathryn
Single women with children have a lot to think about and balance in their search for a new partner. Here’s a letter from Ellen who voices those concerns:
Dear Kathryn,
I am a 34 year old Mom. I have been divorced for 10+ years and have had several relationships in that time. Most of them lasted about 2 years and ended in me growing weary of being a mother to the guys that were supposed to be there for me. I have since started dating on-line (since November) and this way I can feel a guy out, figure out what their quirks are and decide whether or not this is something that I can handle. So far, not a whole lot of luck. I have found a few guys that I have met, they were cute, established and funny. Once we exchange photos and email and text for a bit, they lose interest. I’m really beginning to feel depressed. Is there something that I can do to make myself more marketable? I think that my expectations may be too high and that I have this fantasy about how the love of my life will make me feel. I have watched the show Millionaire Matchmaker and know that even successful and beautiful women have the same trouble that I do. I’m just a Plain Jane that wants to be loved. I would love some advice. Ellen
Dear Ellen – You have a complicated picture here, and there are a lot of questions I would have that you don’t provide answers for in your note. For instance: The guys you dated before—did they have relationship experience and/or children of their own? Young guys WITHOUT those things would fairly naturally slide into letting an already-mother mother them.
If I were you, I’d be looking at divorced men with children. They know how to be married (though maybe it wasn’t the best experience) and they know how to be a parent. Are you doing the picking, or are you waiting for the men to approach you? Figure out what is most important to you at this time in your life, and look for that. Cure and funny might come far down the list from established, dependable, and experienced in relationships and parenthood. Those traits are less exciting, but much better risks in the long run.
The guys that lose interest quickly are not the guys for you, so let them go with gratitude and look instead to the ones who stay around and are good mate material, rather than good date material. Good luck! Kathryn
Rejection: Better than you could possibly imagine
Just about everybody worries about rejection, particularly in dating situations. None of us like hearing “no” when it comes to something we want. Yet, we hear “no” all the time in our everyday lives and manage to live through it. Why does hearing “no” from someone we are attracted to hurt so much? And can we change that?
The hurt we feel from “no’s” stems from our very beginnings. As infants, we felt perfect and powerful. Only with time and the civilizing attempts from our parents did we realize that we do not always get what we want. But our infant selves retain that feeling of total power, and understand (faultily) that if we don’t get what we want, there must be something wrong – with us. So when we hear a “no,” we get a double insult to our egos: we don’t get what we want, and it is our fault. It’s not true, but that’s the way our childlike selves understand the rejection.
What is true is that we are busy rejection people all the time. It’s all a matter of taste and preference. We reject 99.99% of possible mates without even thinking about it: they are too tall, too short, to fat or too skinny, the wrong color, religion, or political party, too poor or too rich, not well educated enough or too smart for their own good. And everyone else is busy rejecting 99.99% of others, too. Then we get overly focused on the .01% that do interest us, then devastated if the interest is not returned.
But when you think about it, it is pretty arrogant to think that the .01% of folks we do honor with our attention will, of course, be equally interested in us. Some probably will, maybe 10% of the .01%, but by no mean will all. The sweet spot is the overlap: those you like who also happen to like you.
Since so very few people fall into the “Sweet Spot” of mutual attraction, it is to your distinct advantage to know as soon as possible whether anyone you are interested in is also interested in you. You do not want to waste your time, nor do you want to waste theirs. Rejection needs to be WELCOMED, because it is information you need so that you will not waste time and energy – and money – on a lost cause. Better that you use your resources to find someone whose feelings of attraction are mutual.
Here’s what to do to minimize the pain:
1. Do not let yourself “fall in love” with anyone profile or person before you establish that they are equally interested in you.
2. Develop a long favorites list and send out first emails of introduction in bunches of 5 or so, again, to protect yourself from getting to focused on any one at this point.
3. When you get a “no” or a non answered email, welcome the quick answer and move on to the next person on your list.
4. Learn to essentially ignore those who are not interested in you, just as you ignore all whom you are not interested in either.
5. Remember, that as personal as this process feels, it is NOT PERSONAL.
I was invited by fellow coach Ronnie Ryan to be a part of a “Valentine’s Day Blogathon” on her website www.after40datingtips.com Ronnie’s gathered up five more writers (seven, including me and her) for a week’s worth of helpful articles. Here’s the schedule (I am on February 15th):
Thursday, 2/10 – Marla Martenson
Friday, 2/11– Bobbi Palmer
Saturday, 2/12 – Terry MacDonald
Sunday, 2/13 – Paige Parker
Monday, 2/14 – Ronnie
Tuesday, 2/15 – Kathryn Lord
Wednesday, 2/16 – April Braswell
So hop on over to Ronnie’s blog—the articles have already started. For sure, check out mine on Tuesday 2/15: it’s called “Rejection: Better than you could possibly imagine” PS “Rejection: Better than you could possibly imagine” will appear here on my blog on 2/25, too.
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